So lets start from the beginning back to the pandemic. Honestly I consider the pandemic the best time of my life! Despite it being terrible for everyone else, it was truly the best. I had lots of friends I spoke to everyday, school was incredibly easy, and my parents were proud of me. Fast forward to the July 2021 and I realize I am fucking trans. It was the worst! I knew I was bisexual for most of my life (despite me constantly hating myself for it AMAB btw), but now I was trans? Fuck. So I came out the month later and mom didn’t know that was a real thing and was in genuine shock. It was fucking horrible and I felt like once I texted her that was it for my good and happy life. Which is true. I was happier as a dude who didn’t know/realize they were trans. Now its too late, I know this shit in and I WILL ALWAYS KNOW THIS SHIT OUT. It fucking sucks. So essentially family becomes extremely disappointed in me. I lost some friends and got bullied in HS for it. Junior year was the worst , full of the worst students and worst teachers. Fucking hate em all. So I wound up getting lucky, and transferring to a really really really LGBT friendly school. Great! Though the damage was too late. I still didn’t care much about school and on top of that I was severely mentally ill. Did some dumb shit I regret around October which ruined me even more. Nearly jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge the week after. Fuck man.
So I converted to Islam as a way of coping. Yup. as a fucking trans woman mind you!!! I was really mentally ill at this point and wanted anything nice sounding to soothe my woes so I figured ok, maybe Islam. Obviously that didn’t much good for me and that opened an old wound called OCD(Scrupulosity). So eventually I left the faith for obvious reasons if ya know a thing or two about Qur’an or Hadith in regards to Queer people. So things more or less just get worse. I start kinda using my friends as therapists because I just loose my mind just fucking around without any help. So I eventually I graduate, BH! It was great moment for me! I have been through discrimination, bullying, and mistreatment from an awful school but in the end I actually graduated and was heading off the college! I thought things were getting better. I started having confidence and thinking I passed (spoiler I really fucking didn’t and humiliated myself lol). But yk my religious OCD was still really fucking bad and had a shit and depressing Summer. So here we are in the present. I start college. First day of college the class erupted into laughter when I tried to speak. And this was a common thing first two weeks at uni. Anytime I spoke I was laughed at. Lots of kids there really really didn’t like how a trans person was there and it fucking sucked. It felt like high school all over again. I felt unloved, unwanted and fucking useless. Then I am told by my dad that I am a failure. Did I mention my parents weren’t that proud of my for finishing HS? I forgot to mention that lol my parents didn’t care as much because I was trans and my diploma had my chosen name on it. That fucking sucked too. But back to UNI. So I am now somehow a failure, get mocked constantly at UNI, have classes I fucking hate, I realise I fucking despise COMPSCI and now I am so fucking lost. Everyday gets worse and worse and worse. So then I am like ok should I de transition and become a Lubavitcher? If I just conformed to all of society and was really faithful to G-d I would be sooooo much happier. So I enter in a civil war period in my brain where I heavily debated with myself about de transitioning and no matter what I couldn’t reach a good conclusion. I fucking hated being trans but I also hated being a dude so much more. I hate being mocked, I miss my easy life, I miss my happiness, I miss the days where I was loved, supported and thought of as something positive by family. I miss conforming! Seriously it was the best! I also fucking hate being a dude, I hate people thinking I am a dude, I hate that because I was conventionally attractive women really liked me, I hate people treating me like a man, I hate being labeled as man, I hate man clothes, hate my man body, hate my man life. I just don’t fucking win and I get to a breaking point where I nearly commit suicide because it would be easier to die than to either live an inauthentic life or a hated life, one of mockery, alienation and depression. Both lives suck but I chose just to be trans. So here we are to today! So I realise today that I got an exam. Which really pisses me off! I didn’t know anything I already cried that morning and was seriously depressed and suicidal about my life. So I thought to myself “why not just drop the class”. That class being precalc so on impulse I dropped the class. This fucked my over BIG TIME!!!! Yk what happnend? I realize I lost my financial aid and didn’t realize how bad this was. So I sat in the tub for 3 hours trying to figure out what to do and more or less I have no idea still now. I think genuinely there is a good chance that I am gonna kill myself. And or drop out of uni. I hate my life. Hopefully things will get better, G-d willing.