It’s a rainy day over here, good time for reflection, and what I’m currently reflecting on are the parts of my life that work. Specifically my social relationships, they don’t just work, they endure even the chaos I’ve created in my life. But the question is “why?”
I don’t have an innate talent, to refute that initial possibility. I was bad at social relationships as a kid. Jesus, my first marriage ended in divorce, the first “friendship” after that saw my bedrooms gutted, and I set myself on fire in one ill advised incident.
but it was that reckoning that made me change my approach, and that change in approach appears to have worked. I’m remarried now, and that relationship in particular is quite good and resiliant. Text being what it is, you’re missing my tone that I didn’t plan this, I didn’t set any of this up on purpose.
I spent years and years wanting a relationship, and getting into a series of progressively less bad ones. But those last two, before this one, it was a one two punch that I didn’t plan on getting back up from. Regular readers may already see where this is going. I decided to be alone, I gave up what I thought was for good on the whole idea of long term romance. A few months later, I met my wife, and this has been the thing through the whole relationship; I’m pleased she’s in my life, I’m not posessive. She can go whenever she wants. Not that I want her to, I’m dispassionate about the idea.
and this brings us around to the speculative portion. Humans, especially me, are good at finding patterns, even when there is no pattern to find. So my comparison to my manic search for romance and my manic attempts at career may be unfounded. Both involve trying to fill a role within society. Both have driven me to the point of madness. That may be where the similarities end.
But I can’t help but wonder; is a healthy work relationship attainable, for me? Could it be that in a decade I could be as content with my work as I am with my marriage? Seems a pretty big leap to me.
Sincerity is also something I wonder about quite a bit, in particular how much sincerity there is in any of my actions. Yes, I can provide motivations for anything I do, but are they the real reason I do it? Is even this a negotiation tactic with the market? I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.
I know I can’t go back, again a similarity. The part of me seeking the approval of an employer is quite dead. The part of me working a job I hate to satisfy others, was never that strong to begin with, and I can’t find it anymore.
Maybe there is a pattern. Maybe not. I don’t know, I can’t really see much outside of my limited view of the world.