Chances are I’m in a situation that is not ever going to be in a state of recovery. It’s the nature of my situation or mental state that even most people I meet in an institutional setting or on this forum don’t really relate to me. People are pushing me to see a therapist when by all accounts, talking about my problems just makes it worse. To be pushed to that point really means I’ve hit rock bottom. As you can probably tell by my much earlier, previous posts, I’ve done had similar songs and dances for years. Let me tell you that this is the break down that I can’t ignore or look away from. If I get an answer where my fears are confirmed, I’m done for. I think it’s very likely. I always told myself I wouldn’t survive this.
However, it’s not completely true. The maximum I would live up to might be 50. I’m in my 20s now. Some relative of mine called me today, one I am close with. I didn’t pick up the phone. It’s complicated but I don’t want to talk to anyone when I’m like this, which is probably forever. Not only can anyone not really relate to my problems; the root of it is my temperament. No one going into treatment really has problems like these in the first place. You wouldn’t call a person like me merely “mentally ill” or suffering, you could attribute it to my poor personality that I seem determined to “drag everyone down to my level.” That would further differentiate myself from others on this site who seem to be undergoing shit life syndrome, not shit adjustment and personality issues. Point being, if my temperament wasn’t so weak and brittle by nature, I’d really have nothing to complain about by now. The only real chance I have is narrowly escaping what seems to be a likely fate.
There are two other things. One is I talk about suicide but I don’t know if I can do it. I know there’s a MAID option for psychiatric reasons happening in Canada in March of next year. Though I really do want to live for superficial reasons. The poor part of my personality is entitlement. I always thought of myself as somewhat of a special person to myself. I always pushed myself to live at any cost, and even at this major loss, it’s still really hard to not see my own value. That’s another thing I’m not sure I have in common with some people on the brink of despair. I feel like if I ended my life it would not only be one of the more confusing suicides, but also what one might consider stupid if they truly understood what my motives chalked up to. In the end, I’m a weirdly messed up person, doing their best to hide it, and I think I just lost the battle. Where the hell do I go from here? I don’t wish myself any pain. Will I truly be able to die by my own hand? I said in my last post that it was almost crucial that I see it through personally, because otherwise I won’t be putting much effort into my life with how I feel about current events. I really thought I would have been more fortunate than this. It wasn’t going to be too long before I escaped a lot of my situation for good, but I wasn’t hypervigilant enough and got myself into this situation which, if it is really the situation I’m in (very scared to confirm), I have no more hope and resigning myself to either death or nothingness.