*I know this post is really long, but I hope some of you read it all the way through*
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This was back in 2009. Yes, a long ass time ago, but I still have not gotten over him. It’s very rare I even like someone enough to go out with them, let alone fall in love with. That was the problem- I didn’t even know at the time I had fallen in love with him.
My whole childhood was full of abuse, so I naturally shut myself off from my emotions and stuffed them into a box I called the “Pandora’s Box.” That was the only way to survive all the abuse I did. And I knew that the moment the box opened, that I would fall apart emotionally and may not survive it. And I was right.
He created cracks in that impenetrable wall I had created- NO ONE had EVER breached it for 20 years. From age 9 to 29. Until he came along. I knew he was creating cracks and I had 2 decisions to make- I could break up with him and try to patch up the cracks and hope I go back to being stoic and unemotional, or I could stay with him and let the wall crack, and hope that he will still be there while I fall completely apart, and also hope that I can make it through alive and whole.
I knew that if the wall came down, that there was a great likelihood that I wouldn’t survive it. By survive, I mean make it out mentally fine and whole.
I did not think I would make it through emotionally. I knew it was dangerous to let the emotions out of Pandora’s Box.
So I decided to break up with him, have no contact with him, in the hopes that I could repair the cracks. Well, I got the worst of both worlds- I gave him up AND I still fell apart emotionally. You have no idea how fucked up that was.
That wall came crumbling down. And it wasn’t just getting emotional over him. I knew if I felt emotions that it would change all facets of my life, that I would now FEEL EVERYTHING. And it fucking SUCKS. Now I am overly emotional to EVERYTHING. I feel EVERYTHING, so deeply. And it fucking sucks.
There were some minor problems in our relationship, but he cared for me. He loved me. He was thinking marriage and that freaked me out. Fear. Panic. Feelings of abandonment came flooding back from childhood- I wanted to push him away before he could have a chance to push me away and break my heart. Yeah I know, stupid.
Anyhow, I pushed him away before he could push me away. I did the worst thing- I ghosted him before ghosting was even a thing back then. I couldn’t bear to talk to him and explain without crying and breaking down, so I just didn’t contact with him. Didn’t answer his calls, emails. He probably thinks I’m an asshole. To this day, he has no clue WHY I suddenly ghosted him. He thinks I just wasn’t as into him as he was into me, and that I just didn’t want to be with him anymore.
I WANTED to contact him- email him- so many times. Even just send him 2 songs to explain what I couldn’t say- “Inperfect Girl” and “I’m Sorry” (Gomenasai)- but I even chickened out of doing that. They were near perfect songs to send him, but I didn’t. Well, I was nitpicking the song- it said “friend” when obviously we were bf/gf. Anyhow, I didn’t send it. I didn’t message him. I ignored all his calls and texts.
So he has no explanation, no message from me, just ghosting him one day and that was it. It was pretty shitty to do, and I’m sure he and all his friends think shit of me. But it was bc I couldn’t speak- I couldn’t tell him the things I wanted to say. And I couldn’t do it without breaking down and crying and getting emotional and forgetting everything I want to say.
Anyhow, it’s been 14 years and I still can’t forget him, and I can’t forget how much I fucked my life up. If I hadn’t done that, we would’ve been together. He loved me. And I didn’t see it at the time how much he cared for me. And I didn’t realize how much I felt for him. I didn’t know until years later that I loved him. I never knew love my whole life, so I didn’t recognize it at the time when I was with him.
Anyhow, I am the biggest fucking fool/fuckup. He was near perfect and everything I wanted in a man. And I fucked it up bc I was scared of feeling emotions and vulnerable. Emotions make us weak, vulnerable, and not in control. I was someone who had mastered the art of shutting down emotions (I was ex-military and nothing phased me- not blood, not guts gushing out, not broken bones, not war, etc). But emotions- feelings, feeling vulnerable- I couldn’t handle it.
Anyhow- I know it does me no good to be stuck in the past and pine after a would be husband that could never be bc of what I had done, and how I ended it. And it’s been 14 years so I’m sure he’s married with kids or something now.
I also have not been able to pick myself back up emotionally from that crack in the wall, and from Pandora’s Box being open.
For all you people who grew up with normal emotions- I can’t explain what it is like to have SHUT it all down at the age of 9, and how suddenly feeling EVERYTHING at 29 has fucked me up. And still fucks me up to this day. Now I am TOO emotional and I feel EVERY fucking thing way too much. I can’t control it. I am very sensitive to every fucking thing.
I’ve tried the last 14 years to stuff everything back into the Box, but it won’t. I don’t know how.
Anyhow, I am a fucking mess. Emotionally but also I *COULD* have had the perfect life I wanted- to be with someone that loves me- that’s all I fucking wanted and I stupidly got rid of him so Pandora’s Box wouldn’t open, but the Box opened anyway AND I am without the ONE I love. I don’t really want anyone else. I want HIM. Yes, I’ve tried many times to go out with other ppl. There were many years I never thought about him. I just don’t like anyone else the way I liked/loved him. I have always been very particular. Before him, I only like 1 other person. And I was pretty back then so it’s not like a ton of guys wasn’t chasing me. I just didn’t realize just HOW much I cared for him, and how I would not get over him.
I know staying in the past doesn’t help- I actually don’t think about HIM all that much- mostly bc I have so much shit going on in my life to actually think about him (like health, housing, etc). It usually hits hard like once or twice a year, sometimes I even go a year or two not thinking about him in a bad way. But lately it’s been in my face- in that if I didn’t fuck up and literally do the DUMBEST thing possible- I would be with him now and not be alone and depressed, and so sick.
If I was with him, a LOT of things that happened to me wouldn’t have happened. Like ~9mo after I ghosted him, I began talking to this guy who lived down the hall from me. And well, it turns out this guy would fucking rape me. SO yeah, I’m fucking beating myself over for this shit. If I never broke up with my love, I wouldn’t have even been talking to this fucker.
Also, if I had moved in with him, I would not have seen the asshole drs I saw that fucked up my health even WORSE than the car accident did to me. I would have seen drs close to his house, not the drs by my new apt that I wound up seeing, who were all just SHIT and royally FUCKED up my health.
If I hadn’t broken up with him, I would be with him, not alone, not miserable and depressed, and not sick as fuck.
I hate myself for letting him go. It wasn’t even like HE broke up with me. I literally purposely chose to not see him anymore. And had thought he’d be better off without me. Which is true. But I am NOT better off without HIM. :'(
I am a fool.
I am an idiot.
I let the love of my life go- voluntarily at that.
I make all the wrong decisions in life apparently- not just with this guy. I question my life decisions, and most of them don’t SEEM to be bad ones at the time, but they all turn out BAD.
I am the master of self-sabotage.
I had found my perfect guy- once in a lifetime thing- and I got rid of him bc I was afraid of feeling feelings. FML. Fuck my idiotic reasoning and actions back then. I’m fucking miserable knowing I let him go.
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With all that said, IF I had NEVER met him, I would not have had that emotional wall crack, and would have been much better off. I would simply have gone on with my life as I always had- with semi-muted emotions and making decisions with only logic and not with these pesky “emotions”
But I had the worst of both worlds, to have met him, have that wall crack, AND be left single and alone. Tho my own stupid choice in the hopes that the crack will seal.
15 comments
Interesting post. I once belived in “the one” too but reality proved me wrong. Unfortunately im quite high from excellent pot so i will continue my reply at a later stage.
i’ve only gotten that “feeling” 2x in my life, despite going out with a ton of ppl, so for me, yeah, i believe in “the one,” but that’s only bc for ME- I am VERY particular about ppl. I have a general dislike for 99% of ppl out there. Like being casual friends with ppl is one thing- most ppl are cool at that level. But at relationship level, I am picky AF.
Everyone else is different for me, so there may not be “the one” for others. For me, I know who isn’t right for me, and that’s 99% of this world.
You fucked up. Sounds like a nice guy and you disqualified yourself. That being said you don’t know his current circumstances, for all you know he might not be married with kids, you may cross his mind from time to time. In an act of insanity on my part when I was 19 there was a girl at the bus stop in the morning who could not take her eyes off me, I disqualified myself by not taking action for the craziest reason imaginable, I fucked up the opportunity deliberately because I was worried about her reaction to me being sexually inexperienced, this lunacy went on for 6 months, my fucking mind back then, talk about delusional thinking. Anyway you live and learn.
well we did have some problems so it wasn’t like paradise towards the end. but he still cared for me and wanted to work things out.
Interesting, it would appear this is the first time letting this particular one of your demons out. But it’s possible, it now being out, you stopping running from this feeling might lead to growth.
Philosophically, I don’t believe in “the one”, I’m sure I’ve spewed out that particular rant against ‘perfection’ and ‘fate’ enough at this point. I have one that got away, and I suppose I’ll always wonder. I did, in one of my weaker moments, track her down. She’s still single, still to all appearances who I thought she was.
but I’m the one that moved on. I wonder sometimes if I’m even that same dew eyed hopeful person who got caught up with her. It’ll always be pointless speculation in my case, or at least all signs point that way. I’m married, but I’m also really careful not to predict how that will hash out down the line. The universe likes to make fools of people who think they see what’s coming….. so yes, even in this small way, I admit believing in fate.
It’s not some all knowing creator though in my book, but a trickster God who likes to F— with people who think they have control or know what’s going on. So that’s why I can still say with complete confidence that there is no divine plan, and at the same time be wary of gears large enough to chew my life to pieces.
Heh, interesting places this ended up taking me. If there were really a one that got away for me, it was a loving and compassionate belief in God. How I tried for it, how I longed for it. How I would lay myself on that altar again, if given sufficient encouragement. I’m reasonably certain I won’t be, given encouragement that is. I say that to flaunt whatever trickster there may be, it would be more amusing and good for me if I was.
ah what webs we weave, when we seek to understand a pattern to the indifferent acts of others.
nope, i’m only writing it now bc it takes too much time writing it all out so that’s why i never wrote about it before. has nothing to do with running from feeling or growth. and there is no “growth” to be had. i’ve felt this for like 12 years. and if i could excise my emotions to what it was back before, i would. all feelings and emotions do is hinder us. i was right when i was 9 when my subconscious cut out a chunk of emotions that allowed me to survive. and now that all these fucking emotions are back, i’ve been an emotional wreck for the last 12+ years. not having emotions is what allows ppl to “move on.” hell, i would say not having much emotions is what allows ppl to succeed in life
i believe in “the one” bc for me, i am SO particular about ppl. i know right away if someone isn’t for me, so i don’t even bother with 99% of ppl. bc i rarely EVER have these feelings (only 2x so far), the odds of me finding that person and feeling that feeling a 3rd time and having that relationship work is slim. meaning my best shot was the 2nd guy that i had that “feeling” with. it’s been 14 years since i last felt that feeling, so very slim chance i’ll find that again.
i see what you are saying, but most ppl aren’t me. most ppl probably feel “good” with many ppl. not with me. i only get that feeling 2x in my entire life, so for me, once i find the guy and get that feeling, he is “the one.” so yeah, idiot of me to let that guy go.
my life isn’t like others- i can’t stand 99% of ppl- most ppl are fine at a distance- especially casual friends. but deep friendships and relationships are SO hard for me bc 99% of ppl irritate me in some big way.
nope, i’m not religious, nor think there’s some kind of “divine plan.” i just know with me, i am so particular with ppl in general that finding the “right” person for me is incredibly difficult. and if i get that “feeling” which rarely ever happens, then that person is “the one.” and no, even with first ex, i liked him enough but i never had that deep feeling/love, whatever you call it, that i had with my 3rd ex which is this guy in the post.
i don’t believe in a “divine plan” or some crap. i just know that factors like poverty/money, connections/lack thereof, location geographicall- country/city/rich or poor neighborhood you live in etc, all contribute to what your general life is going to be like. hell, being poor and sick pretty much determines 80% of your life. nothing is written in “cement” but as humans who’s lives are controlled by these external factors (as well as corrupt elites that make life hard as fuck for the avg person like wages and living conditions)- we peons have very little wriggle room as to what our ultimate “fate” is.
Hello eternal, I read all the way through. I have been married three times and was very confident of my choice each time. But my abused past made me a quite difficult mate every time. The first marriage was doomed by me. The second marriage was doomed by me. The third marriage almost ended when I almost ended. What I mean is, it is hard to say how it would have turned out for you and the one. I am not sure if this helpful, but I will share it just in case it is. Breaking up with him, as you did, was probably completely text book avoidant attachment style at work. Not your fault actually. You really wanted the relationship. You really were scared to have a relationship. Yes you made the decisions however it was that horrible childhood that made your decision to pull out the only option that seemed right to you at that time. You are not alone in pushing away a wonderful potential mate. I have seen it several times. Avoidant attachment style only confirms what a horror story you grew up with.
bingo. i definitely had the avoidant personality back then. but meeting him and falling for him has NOW created emotions that i had expertly stuffed in a box…and now i’m an emotional wreck -_-
i went back to a re-read a few of our emails toward the end. and yeah, things probably might still have wound up bad with him, but i broke up with him too early. meaning my shitty ass neighbor wouldn’t have raped me if i had a bf still- i wouldn’t have even talked to him and that would’ve never happened.
but that POS aside- it may still have ended with that guy but i don’t see how it could have turned out worse than my actual life.
if i hadn’t ended it with him when i did, i would have had a different trajectory- whatever that is. like you said, maybe it would’ve still ended, but ALL the things that happened to me after i broke up with him *wouldn’t* have happened. idk- it felt like the universe punished me in a million different ways after i broke up with him.
wow- difficult mate. that’s what he said to me in one of the last emails- that i was hard to date. but in my case, it had a lot to do with my health, food allergies, etc as well as my abused past, like you.
so…ppl with abused pasts are destined to be alone and lonely? sigh, i feel like that is my sad reality. i don’t see meeting anyone at this point in my life… :'(
wow 3 marriages. idk if that’s a good thing or bad. i mean personally, i think it’s amazing to have found THREE ppl who love you so much they wanted to marry you. i only had it once with that guy, but then towards the end i felt like he no longer was thinking marriage, which is partly why i ended it. push him away before he has a chance push me away and hurt me. yup- avoidant personalities do this. self-preservation mechanism.
are you still married to wife #3?
so…how do ppl like us deal with abuse and trauma? or do we never get over it and it eats us up whole and ends us?
Sorry it took this long to reply. These three good questions all have roughly the same answer for me at least. I am still married to wife #3. My therapist (more on that shortly) gave me hope I could take some edge off my caustic ways (expertly taught to me by my mother). As my nonstop anger began to subside from therapy that edge got considerably blunted. In therapy we worked together to reprocess my traumas as an adult rather than as a mere child whose only escape was disassociation. I will not say I got over it. I can say it is more manageable. To the casual observer all looks well with me. I still have flashbacks of what happened to me but it is less painful when I do. I do not spiral down any more. About the therapist. I looked and looked on the internet for one with an agreeable profile. They say a third of therapy success is based on liking, trusting, and just feeling safe with the therapist. A third? More like three quarters I would say. My wife started looking for one for me and finally found some one that seemed agreeable. We had enough money for a session.
I told the lady I did not have insurance. I did like the lady somewhat and was curious about her in some general way. Money was an issue for years. After some sessions had to be canceled the therapist asked, in a non shaming way, if it was a budget issue. I told her that it was. She gave a discount and that helped and plus as I started to gain hope of getting some relief from the past I started to be able to function again at a job (though just barely).