I never needed anyone before. I was fine on my own and being alone. But now that I have all my emotions back, I feel fucking lonely without true friends and a SO. How do I go back to being fine being by myself??
Fucking emotions. I don’t want them. At least not all of them. Life would be easier and simpler if I just felt LESS and cared LESS.
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Fucking emotions, you said it, I agree. At some point it’s all fodder for the mill. Weirdly avoiding them is the worst way to get rid of them.
Keep in mind I have no idea if it’s healthy, or what consequences may come from my philosophy. Really, I don’t care, and the reason for that is when there’s stuff to care about I agressively deal with it. The human brain is at the heart a weak piece of meat. You let your hormones go crazy and overload it…. well it’s taking your hand off the wheel, weakening your frontal lobe.
I used to feel, and sometimes that part of my brain tries to intrude. Now though, all I feel is empty. Not satisfied with much, not longing for that part of myself either. Feel emotions when they are there to be felt. It might hurt, but waiting on it hurts more.
but try for who you want to be, hell with the consequences. You don’t want to feel? I think you can figure out how to make that work. I did. At the same time I’m able to mask enough, keep up what passes for a personality with what ghosts of feeling are left.
“You don’t want to feel? I think you can figure out how to make that work. I did.”
That’s the problem- I CAN’T.
At the age of 9, I had shut down my emotions in order to survive the abuse. IDK how I did that but I did. So from age 9-29 I lived not really attached to anything or anyone. Did fine. BUT once I fell in “love,” it cracked the wall I had put up- and I have not been the same since. I have not been able to repair the crack- I crumbled emotionally and have never been able to get back up.
So idk HOW to shut my emotions off again, or dull it.
Ah- so I see that’s why you take the psych meds. They dull your emotions and you’re just fine with that, despite the fact that they do not work in getting rid of depression.
Well aside from drugs, legal or illegal, idk how to shut my emotions off. Fucking emotions. I don’t need them nor want them. All it does is make me weak and fall apart. Makes me needy to want to be with other humans. Makes me vulnerable. Fuck that.
I NEED to get back to the old me, the one that was fine with being alone and not feeling so many feelings and not emotional.
But HOW do I get back there again? I am unable to kill off my fucking emotions. When I did it at age 9, it was subconscious. I didn’t think about it or plan it out. It just happened.