So yeah, definitely had the conversation that she isn’t going to be around much while she is focused on recovery. Yeah, good for her? I guess I’m just not part of what recovery looks like, and I somehow knew that. She told me she didn’t want to lead me on and not be there. Then there is me, stupidly in love, I agree to stay on the possibility that she decides not to push me away again later as she works through stuff but I’m clearly not a priority, should I be a priority, we’ve only been dating for four months. Idk. Why am I torturing myself, should leave and get it over with, like ripping off a bandaid, I’m just prolonging the inevitable.
I don’t even know what I’m here for, I don’t have to do any of this and I wouldn’t mind just checking out.
I’m also dealing with new symptoms of something mental, not entirely new but new extremes I guess: I feel wired, jittery, (I’m physically trembling badly), unable to focus, it feels like everything is coming at me through water and I can’t quite reach it. This is the type of thing I keep trying to de-escalate but nothing helps and eventually I self harm and feel better for five minutes maybe. Grrrr.