We recently got the notice that our time working from home is over, back to the office on May 10th. I know a lot of people are looking forward to getting back to life as it was before this pandemic but I’m dreading it. I was in a very dark place when we were in the office last year: I have still been in a dark place since working from home but at least at home there are more ways to self soothe, more coping mechanisms, good or bad. So many days driving to work my thoughts would veer towards serving off the road, or somehow just not showing up and turning up dead.
Having to be face to face with these people again is giving me serious anxiety. I haven’t forgotten the invisible voices, the ones that won’t shut up and can’t be blocked out. I haven’t forgotten the bright lights that make me feel like the world can see my thoughts, like I can’t hide. The smiles taunting me, like a game I’m forced to play, smile back, make it believable.
I’m honestly considering setting my expiration date for that day, but I’m aware I have something to do the next week that I don’t want to ruin for my family. Hopefully I can hold out on this, maybe it won’t be as bad as I remember.
I wish for solitude; unseen, unheard, unused.