I could cut the tension with a knife. The pull is almost overwhelming but I’m an idiot and what is there in me that would deserve this? Too many emotions to contend with.
I’ve lost 8 pounds in two weeks, which is a lot considering I started at 119. Partly because I’m getting a good workout with the new job. Also, I’m not eating for several reasons, much is just chance of circumstances but then when there is food my stomach turns at the thought of it. I’m not anorexic or anything, I just feel wrong.
I want to feel special but I also want to hurt myself because this is not right. I can’t pretend forever. I should have left while I had the impulse, I don’t know how long the tenuous peace will last.
I don’t have a plan now because I’m already fucking loyal to my only obligation which is my new job right now. Because they are counting on me: give it time, I’m sure I’ll let them down too. I hate the days I don’t work, I have to much time to think, no distractions.
I miss my family but I dread their arrival. I want to take care of them so when I’m gone they will be okay but that is years from now, and years is a long time to live a lie.