Things aren’t so bad right now. Not particularly great, but not bad. They will be though. I know that. I started my Thesis this semester. It’s already the 3rd (technically 2 and 1/2) week and I have done jack shit. I got a year, but I know I’ll fuck it up even more so if I keep procrastinating. Just don’t have the motivation. Been sleepling like 10 hours a day. Just can’t get my ass up. Set 4 alarms and I just shut off all 4. It’s a pain. Only got 1 class, but this first homework is taking forever, mainly due to procrastinating. I have it open up on my laptop and I just get distracted. I’m screwed. And it’s only the beginning. It is what it is. Maybe I need to have a failure to get my ass into gear. A proper kick in the teeth to get me going.
Still think about her. But it’s getting fuzzy. Which is the point. Can’t remember if her number ends in 4400, 0044, 4900 or something like that. Good. I guess it’s the same with the manic episode. The further away I get from it, I think about it less, but I still think about it and hate it. I wonder if she thought about me even once. Doubt it. Doesn’t matter either way.
Last year can suck a dick. Around this time I was having horrible bouts of anxiety before school started. The first semester and retreated and ended up running away from any good learning oppurtunities. Summer was spent on a shit job at a grocery store. Just spent it working and doing nothing. Wonder what this summer will be like. Second semester wasn’t so bad, but wasn’t that much better. Anyways 2023 can go fuck itself. Actually the second I graduated from A&M, my life spun out of control. Doubt this year will be any better.
Hope sinner is ok. I’m sure she finds it odd some wierdo older guy on a sucide forum is so interested, but I can’t help but remember how I was just fresh out of high-school. Those same sad feelings. Or at least that’s what it seems like. That’s the thing is when you don’t see someone post anymore there are only really 2 options. Either they’ve finally done it or they got better enough to where they don’t need this place anymore. I something wonder what happened to the guys who were around here when I popped up. atintofgreen and shatterediris come to mind. Rivits was nice. I saw rocketman pop up a few weeks ago after so long. Glad to know he was still alive, sad to see he was in so much pain. Regardless of anything, I just hope sinner and those other guys are ok. Wherever they are. Here’s this song that keeps popping up in my spotify. Kind of like the energy to them.