I saw this post in another group I’m in. This sums up me exactly. I’m sure some of this applies to some of you as well.
I agree with everything until the sappy feel-good you are worthy bit in the end. I mean, yeah, we have to believe we are worthy to not be depressed, but I hate all those places that make you repeat “you are loved, you are worthy, you are special, blah blah.”
Aside from that last sappy section, the rest of the speech is pretty right on- for me.
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“The inability to receive support from others is a trauma response.
Your “I don’t need anyone, I’ll just do it all myself” conditioning is a survival tactic. And you needed it to shield your heart from abuse, neglect, betrayal, and disappointment from those who could not or would not be there for you.
From the parent who was absent and abandoned you by choice or the parent who was never home from working three jobs to feed and house you.
From the lovers who offered sexual intimacy but never offered a safe haven that honored your heart.
From the friendships and family who ALWAYS took more than they ever gave.
From all the situations when someone told you “we’re in this together” or “I got you” then abandoned you, leaving you to pick up the pieces when sh*t got real, leaving you to handle your part and their part, too.
From all the lies and all the betrayals.
You learned along the way that you just couldn’t really trust people. Or that you could trust people, but only up to a certain point.
Extreme-independence IS. A. TRUST. ISSUE.
You learnt: if I don’t put myself in a situation where I rely on someone, I won’t have to be disappointed when they don’t show up for me, or when they drop the ball… because they will ALWAYS drop the ball EVENTUALLY right?
You may even have been intentionally taught this protection strategy by generations of hurt ancestors who came before you.
Extreme-independence is a preemptive strike against heartbreak.
So, you don’t trust anyone.
And you don’t trust yourself, either, to choose people.
To trust is to hope, to trust is to be vulnerable.
“Never again,” you vow.
But no matter how you dress it up and display it proudly to make it seem like this level of independence is what you always wanted to be, in truth it’s your wounded, scarred, broken heart behind a protective brick wall.
Impenetrable. Nothing gets in. No hurt gets in. But no love gets in either.
Fortresses and armor are for those in battle, or who believe the battle is coming.
It’s a trauma response.
The good news is trauma that is acknowledged is trauma that can be healed.
You are worthy of having support.
You are worthy of having true partnership.
You are worthy of love.
You are worthy of having your heart held.
You are worthy to be adored.
You are worthy to be cherished.
You are worthy to have someone say, “You rest. I got this.” And actually deliver on that promise.
You are worthy to receive.
You are worthy to receive.
You are worthy.
You don’t have to earn it.
You don’t have to prove it.
You don’t have to bargain for it.
You don’t have to beg for it.
You are worthy.
WORTHY.
Simply because you exist.”
-Jamila White, @inspiredjamila
Coyote Phoenix
Angell Deer
@thesanctuary.angelldeer
10 comments
Eternaldarkness, you came in my dream briefly yesterday. I was sitting in a building with some friends working on laptop. From glass window I saw two women passing by outside. On one’s t-shirt was written the word eternaldarkness (followed by another word I can’t remember). That’s how I identified it was you. I rushed down the building and called after you. You turned and were surprised someone called you by that name. I tried explaining who I am. You looked at me surprised and didn’t seem to believe me. By this time some people gathered around and thought I was harassing you. I put my hands up and went back in building. When I entered I saw one of my friends tempering with my laptop that I had left open while rushing. I confronted him and fight ensued. Then I woke up and this last part of dream remained in my memory.
man this guy is high on his own farts with the “Trauma can be healed”… half truth, SOME trauma can be healed. Some trauma, ALOT of trauma NEVER heals. Alot of trauma is passed from generation to generation, not healing.
I mean maybe, MAYBE, it could be healed eventually, given enough time, therapy, and money. But who has that, right?!
I don’t remember where I got it, somewhere in my “healing” journey, about trust; it’s not your job to fix your trust issues. Distrusting others, after what we’ve been through, is rational. We should go right on distrusting, trying not to need others. Maybe now and then trying to let people in, because we all have weak moments.
But it’s on other people, to earn our trust. I know because in one small corner, I’ve started to heal. My first marriage, phew, thought I’d never trust a romantic partner again. I still have my metaphorical bags packed, she could go, I’d…. expect it somewhat…. but I’m starting to get used to the idea that she might stick around. I might have someone who’s going to stick with me until one of us dies.
and I’m getting more comfortable with that.
I don’t trust anyone else even close. Everyone else is some level of strategic ally. Because human relations is a war zone, there are no friends, there are barely families, and there sure as heck aren’t any loyalties.
oh yeah, i definitely don’t agree with that sentence. definitely MOST traumas are not healed- most are just hidden/masked/buried so we can keep going.
i posted this bc what this person said in the beginning i agree with, about trauma leading to distrust, that is totally me. and distrust leading to super independence and not relying on anyone- that is me too.
all the nice feel-good usual fluff is when I tuned out lol.
“Everyone else is some level of strategic ally. Because human relations is a war zone, there are no friends, there are barely families, and there sure as heck aren’t any loyalties.”
>>Sadly, I’ve learned that the hard way. Most ppl are shitty and selfish, and are “friends” with others only to reap benefits. Boy was I a silly duck for most of my life to believe that ppl genuinely wanted real friendships, ppl who actually care about others and who just wanted to be friends for friendship sake. And THIS is part of why I’m so damn jaded now. I don’t trust ppl, and I despise humans in general now. Ofc this leads to loneliness, but can that be helped? When 9/10 ppl you meet are either assholes or apathetic?
well, and I’m going to get political because that’s the way I can make strategic sense, suppose that there are about 600 countries in the world, that’s probably about representative. When you look at the very very very rich, that’s the Netherlands, good luck getting in, both into the demographic and into the country.
So if you want to look for middle class, absolute middle, I’d pick Greece, which keeps falling apart every few years. Because of geography people kind of have to be nice to it, but remember that 300 or so countries fall below that. 50% chance, you have it worse, than that.
Most of us are somewhere betwen Pakistan and Poland. We have some viable exports. Unfortunately for us, our neighbors are way way way more prosperous. We also have to deal with some really unsavory aspects to keep things running, thus we aren’t invited to the table when the big power players like China or Germany are talking.
But if you can hold your nose, and realize that warts and all that other guy has it as rough as you, they make a good ally. That’s what makes it less lonely. I don’t think Poland or Pakistan are particularly lonely.
ok, i was speaking from a human perspective above (myself) but if you wanna get into politics and a country perspective- it’s like this: the USA is a pirate, going around the world looting other countries of their natural resources. if they object, we kill them. or overthrow their government and then kill them.
USA maintains “world dominance” ONLY bc we spend TRILLIONS on the Military Industrial Complex. Unfortunately, that is the biggest and only thing the USA has. We don’t export anything good- the food we grow is toxic and most countries ban our food. We don’t make anything anymore either.
Our country is on the verge of collapse. Our coffers have been pillaged by the rich. We are a table standing on 2 legs left…
The only thing propping us up and keeping us from being slaughtered by a world that hates us is the threat of us using our plethora of weapons- which we, the masses, pay for, to enrich the rich and to enslave every country we “liberate.”
heh, well there’s no greater welfare program than the military industrial complex, it just sucks that the rich have gotten so good at sucking that teat.
I think I have some of that weird old fashioned patriotism mixed with a weird mutant strain, I’m well aware of the flaws in the US, but someone’s got to try and fix em, right?! Like I looked at Russia, or Canada, and they’ve got problems too, Americans who moved there will tell you.
I guess I take the good bones approach, like sure we’ve got some rot in places, some walls need to be taken down, plumbing needs work, but at some earlier point someone had some good ideas, some people really wanted to create a place great for regular people, and I can get behind that.
ofc there’s problems in every country. but america has A LOT of problems. yes, once upon a time, someone had good ideas, but that was all from 1945-1980. After 1980, all the rules and regulations protecting people were ripped out, and all the rules and regulations protecting corporations were instituted. after all, corporations > ppl.
Every since 1980, America has been in decline. The future does not bode weli for America..
anyway, this has nothing to do with my original post. i’ve been screwed over, hence i no longer trust humans, and was very independent, relying only on myself. but now i am like an injured sick puppy. i’m kinda helpless now. FML.
apparently, even Russia is a better place to live than the USA. their economy is resilient/booming despite every dirty tactic the USA/UK has done to undermine them. and apparently, our subways and streets are “dirty and piss-soaked” bc that’s the price of our “freedom.” Yes, we are so “free” in the USA. Free to become poor and homeless with no healthcare.