I feel like i wasn’t meant to be born, like something wrong happened and i was accidentally made wrong or my soul was sent out instead of someone else’s.

I have never really been happy or satisfied really. I have been happy for a few minutes before, many times, but the rest of my life has been just a nonstop battering of anxiety and self hatred. I turn 22 the day after college graduation this may and my friends are so excited and all i can think about is how much it’s going to suck to have to do this job- the job that is the only thing i’ve been wanting to do since i was 14.

This has been my one and only life plan and i’ve found that i have no interest. I don’t really have an interest in anything except for reading but i don’t have time for that. I’m in a rigorous medical-associated program that takes up all of my time and my job will too and i’ll have lost the only thing i really enjoy which are my books.

For the last year i’ve been trying to tell people that i don’t like the direction my life is going but they keep telling me how good they think i am at it and how much money i’ll get. At this point i have to keep going to get the degree because getting this job is the only way to pay back the fees for classes. If i don’t finish this then it was all for nothing and i would have to lull myself anyway, but i also just kind of want to kill myself all the time.


I say this to my friends a lot and they think i’m joking but in the last year i called the suicide hotline four times. i used to think i would never be able to do it- my uncle died from suicide and it destroyed my family. but every day being alive hurts so much. i woke up today feeling like every inhale was causing actual physical pain.

i’m just really disappointed that i was born and i’m kind of angry sometimes at my parents for having me even though they technically didn’t know i would be like this. it’s not really their fault but then i don’t know whose fault it would be. i just really want to have never been alive in the first place