I don’t know what I have to do to just feel ok.
I’m trying so hard to fix myself, but this feeling just never goes away no matter how hard I try.
I either feel completely empty or just pain. It’s like when I try to go out with my friends and have fun I feel ok in the moment, but i’m just distracting myself and the moment i’m alone again I get this heavy feeling in my chest and I just can’t be content I need to distract myself. I started smoking weed for fun but now it’s been a few years and i’m dependent on it and it’s not fun anymore, just something I do. I’ll listen to music for hours alone and daydream a whole other life in my head, where i’m just a better person and do things I won’t in real life. It sometimes replaces my need for real social interaction, and prevents me from real life experiences because I daydream so often I just do it in my head because it’s safer, but not even that is cutting it anymore. I can’t stand to be alone with my thoughts. I can say things have gotten better compared to how they used to be but nothing fixes it. I’m not in a deep depression anymore, definitely depressed but i’m functioning. I’m just doing what I can to get through the day. I thought if I lost weight that it would help because that’s one things that’s been holding me back most of my life. I’ve lost almost 60 pounds, I starved myself at first and lost most of the weight in a really unhealthy way. I’ve been eating a lot more and consistently going to the gym and I found that I do enjoy working out. It’s so draining to constantly track my calories and obsess over the scale. To see a completely different person in the mirror everyday, I have no idea what I really look like. I am a lot more comfortable in my body, but it didn’t make me much happier like I thought. I’ve wasted so much time and missed out on so much because I feel like everything has to be perfect before I can start really living, telling myself “oh you can’t do this until you’re skinny”. Now that i’ve lost the weight, it’s me telling myself I need a nose job or lip fillers or a boob job because I don’t think anyone would want me otherwise and I can’t afford any of that. I’m almost 20 now and never had a boyfriend or even a kiss, not that no one has never been interested in me, but I will reject them because I think I have to fix it because they won’t like what they see, it’s scary. Not only regarding my body, but just the way I am. i’ve always had really bad social anxiety and I feel like I come off as weird because my lack of social skill makes me seem that way. I don’t know, i’ve always felt like i’m not normal, it’s harder for me to do the things that come so naturally to most. It’s just really hard for me to be my true self in-front of people because I just feel so much shame and embarrassment, even with my closest friends. So I isolate myself so I can be myself without judgment. I find everything so embarrassing it keeps me up at night replaying in my head. I’m really grateful for my friends because I used to not have any, but sometimes I feel even more lonely when I’m with them and like an outsider. I just feel so inferior, like they are so much better than me and have so many more experiences than me. It used to be just us three but now they both have boyfriends, and I just feel like a fifth wheel. Sometimes I think they are going to forget about me and abandon me. They go on double dates sometimes and I get jealous because I feel like they are pulling away from me. Sometimes I get mad when they don’t invite me, I mean we used to do everything together and it feels like abandonment, but I know it’s irrational and I try to keep it to myself so I don’t push them away. I really think i’m going to die alone, I just want to feel love so bad but I can’t until I fix it. Whatever it is.