Happiness?

well, I’ll never be rid of depression entirely….. because I’ve been depressed in some way for 14 years, even when things were going very well, a few bad days a month is just part of my life. Suicidal? I’m trying for less than five episodes a year, that’s the goal….. not there yet. Last year, which was my best year yet, probably hit 8 episodes. Which is pretty darn good.

Anyway only 1-2 so far this year, so doing pretty swell. Rating my satisfaction today; 5.7. It’s okay, I’m really just holding on for Saturday and not doing anything for a whole day, that’s my carrot at the end of the stick right now.

I aspire to hit an average of 6.3, maybe 6.5 most days. We got the news my next big training is in June, and so if I pace myself….. IDK, I’m trying to hold the job, they’re trying to keep me from quiting, seems like we have common goals, haha.

That 8 though is my city on the hill, my dream, I don’t even know if higher is possible, like if I could have this job and not live where I do, with a little more economic security and maybe some kids. Maybe get rid of my gut and not have so much knee pain…. middle age kinda sucks. Also, society, culture, not in a good place right now. I can keep my chill, but I’d like for the world to be less cruel and ruthless.

It’s possible. It goes back to set theory, I always end up going either there or statistics when I need comfort. I can describe the situation where I’d be really in a great place, like I said, 8 almost all the time. So it’s possible because I can describe it. There are variables though, a lot of variables, like the economy, and decisions other people have to make. I don’t trust other people. So it’s unlikely, but unlikely stuff happens sometimes.

I’m probably going to be okay. I’d like to be great. Okay is doable though.