Sometimes I wonder, what’s the point of going on. For a little background, I’m currently in a math class and not doing as well as I feel I should be and if I pass the 2 upcoming tests my grade will be pretty good, but I’m not confident at all and I while I had the first test postponed due to my poor mental health, I feel like a failure for having to do that. I’m not confident in myself at all, I feel like I should have been in grad school by now or that I should be doing better in this class. Sometimes I question what’s the point of still going why shouldn’t I just quit or just give up on this and even life in general? I’m tired of myself not doing well and not improving or not doing enough to do better. So what’s the point of continuing or even living if I can’t do anything right? Whenever, I look in the mirror I see a failure, a screw up, someone who will never be good at the things that they need to be good at.
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I admit, there are many things I don’t know about. But academics, as in what it takes to be successful in it? It’s similar to what it takes to be successful in government work, and I can reduce it down to one word; endurance.
So, what it takes to be successful is endurance, is getting through these things. It’s less being good at them, and more being capable of learning from them. We all get imposter syndrome, the feeling that we aren’t worthy of success.
Me, I remind myself things I got through. I got through Eagle Scout. I got through my bachelors degree. I survived working at one of the toughest mental hospitals in the state. I survived eight months working child welfare. That’s the point, later on you’ll have another victory, another dragon defeated. Even if it doesn’t matter to anyone else, it matters to you.
Right now I’m facing a new dragon at my new job, and it’s still scary, but I’ll face it, I’ll endure. I believe in you, and I hope you can believe in yourself. Endure, focus on that, whatever happens, you’ll get through it. Do your best, that’s the best you can do, no one can expect any better.
I don’t know what the point is or what you’ll have to look forward to, but don’t give up just yet. It sounds like you’re under a lot of pressure right now and I understand it feels like an uphill battle. I’m not going to tell you it will get better because I don’t know that. What I can tell you with almost 100% certainty is that it will change. Life a couple of years from now will look nothing like it does in this moment. Maybe it won’t be worth the wait… but maybe it will. You won’t know if you opt out now. You aren’t a failure. No matter what happens with your classes, No matter where you feel like you’re falling short, you absolutely are not a failure. It takes a lot of strength and heart to feel the way you do right now and still get up and make an effort. I think that’s admirable and a HUGE win all by itself. Good luck <3