I just finished my school year. Great! I should be happy, but instead I’m in complete panic mode because I have no idea what I’m supposed to do with all of my sudden free time.
Look for a job? Write a book? Do gardening? I suppose they’re all valid, the only problem is that I have a terrible and constant upper back and neck pain. It would probably be fixed by something, but I don’t know what that something is.
Last week I attempted to occupy myself, and I just overworked myself and apart from that, I’ve been thinking about my past a lot recently because people at my church asked me how I became orthodox.
I have some idea, but thinking about my past has not been good for me at all. Thinking about all the problems I used to have has just made them resurface, when I thought they were long gone.
I should be grateful, not self pitying. For some reason I’m just anxious and I don’t want to talk to anyone or do anything at all. I don’t want to feel this way. And then I feel depressed, and just two days ago I almost started crying from how happy I was, I think, everything is a mess inside my head.
Normally my weeks go like, I just focus on what’s in front of me, and then it’s Sunday again and I can breathe out. But now that I have nothing to do? What can I do? I will start my driving lessons tomorrow, I think. I hope that will make me feel better. Because I’m almost about to have a nervous breakdown and it’s been building up for weeks, maybe months. And I don’t know who to talk to. I don’t want to ruin the mood for other people by just suddenly starting crying and talking about my feelings. But I don’t know what my options are even.
And I don’t want to bother anyone. But I know I have to talk to someone. Because otherwise I will just get worse and worse. Lord have mercy
2 comments
You seem like the person who can’t be idle. Hopefully your driving lessons will occupy your mind a bit. Outside that it’s best to set a routine. Your issue is what to fill it with. You seem like you are very involved with your church. Maybe you can find volunteer work through them. Food pantry, humane society, homeless shelters etc. For the brief moments I dod volunteer, I found it fufilling and keeps your mind busy. Plus you’ll have the benefit of being with people you know.
As strange as it is to say, that mixed up feeling you have is a good problem to have. It seems to me that you are happy that you are happy. You’re grateful but also don’t know how to process it. When you go through the things that people like us go through, there’s a lot of confusing emotions that go with happiness. If you need to let it out, then let it out. It’s ok. Hope you keep a hold of that happy feeling
You’ve got a pain? That’s a project to solve, maybe look up some stretches, exercises. that’s a place to start. Honestly I’m fascinated, must be lovely to be so immediate, so now that having nothing to do is jarring, to HAVE nothing to do.
Me, when I’m busy I’m stacking projects like firewood for quiet times if I see them coming. There’s no such thing as nothing to do, there’s plenty. I guess it’s just my ego that lets me put some things over others. Whatever matters to ME. Does it feel better? Then it’s a go.
Which is why I said the pain thing is probably your top candidate. If something is bothering you, that’s not a bad thing, that’s a bright oppertunity to deal with something that’ll satisfy you. You deal with that pain you’ll feel self sufficient, AND, the pain will be less, maybe even gone.
Do something though. Idleness is torture. Read a book. Watch a movie. Even something as passive as that is more something than sitting around feeling like you should be doing more. You don’t have to be advancing your career every day, or even every week. Some days, it’s okay to just be.
Then maybe someday you can manage to watch a sunset, or stare into the middle distance and not be bothered. That’s when you’ve truly mastered zen. To quiet the mind is a skill worth learning.