Was Her Love Fake?

We started talking in 2017 as friends. I asked her out in 2022, It started out as she and I went to see a movie just as friends. She started feeling cold so I warmed her up and she snuggled in my arms and I was almost holding her outer thigh at that point “with her consent”. I’m emotional when it gets touchy. So I decided to ask her out the next day. She said, “what would it get you from dating me?”. “Love and a sense of attachment”, I answered. Later in the relationship we had many breakups and patchups. She once said she’ll marry me by mistake just cuz I said some few good words. It felt so great but then she said. “No I take it back” While laughing & giggling, For me it meant a big deal because she was the woman of my life. She always thought one simple thing…”People breakup and Move on” I never could do that because it was her. She is everything to me. I cried nights for her. One day she Came to my house, We kissed and made out a lot, as soon as the things started getting heavy I felt her moaning and I thought of it as a sign to do it for the first time. Well as I tried to undress her, Her past trauma kicked in where her Uncle had tried to abuse her and tried to rape her. Also the moment where her ex bf had undressed her and kept her pics. It felt bad for me when she refused but as I was in the moment she felt threatened and then we had a weird moment and she left. I cried to her and apologized. Even though she was the one who started moaning, who alloweed kissing. I couldn’t stop myself, I’m a guy. But After a certain times she screamed”STOP” I did… realising that it wasn’t for fun or roleplay. I understood she meant me to stop. I cried that night to sleep and till 5 am waited for her to call back to she could forgive me. She was crying too. It hurted both of us. Then we went many places together she lied to her family to go out with me. She used to gaslight me a lot. For ex: Once she asked me to buy an iPhone (just teasing cuz I got one), So I said, “when I earn money, I’ll get you one Honey”. She threw tantrums for that and broke up again. But all these breakups and patchups were nothing infront of the love we had, the Moments we had spent together. She meant so much to me that I was engulfed in her Love. Later part in our relationship, she and I got even more toxic and She would blame me for taking Drugs, But it was her breakups, Her saying she doesn’t want me in her life, Her hurting me and not trusting me each time, thats what made me into doing that. It hurt me so much that I wanted to end that pain in someway. I tried to end my life but I never went to do the first step cuz of my mother’s Sacrifices for me. Later I accepted the breakup with her and Told her that its okay I don’t want to be friends anymore or have any contact. I had her blocked everywhere, 3 days passed and she calls me. I told her to call me only when she needs me for something urgent. She asked me to get her pouch to her college which was in Matunga. I went full speed to her house and got it from her brother, and gave it to her 1 min before her exams started. She had prepared chits to pass, cuz of her failures in becoming a doctor went vainly. She told me she couldn’t she started having panic attacks all of a sudden during class. Her mental state started going down, I tried to support her. But when we met again, She hugged me at her house. We kissed again. I fell in love again, Her phrase was- “Two Friends in a Room, They Might Kiss” I felt so bad I tried to leave this time, But I didn’t tell her directly I started avoiding and she started getting more and more anxiety and panic attacks due to her exams. Slowly she started getting really soft and sensitive to very small things that happened around her. She started turning into a scared and traumatized child… in the end she wanted to leave me again because she didn’t want me to have someone who’s broken. But I could feel in her voice that’s not the case. So I insisted. I told her I want to marry her. She didn’t ever want to get married. I told her I’d never let her go down that road. I’ll never even touch her if it takes to do that. But she kept on insisting on whatever she believes. I started going for hard drugs and almost wanted to jump infront of a train, But again… Parent’s Sacrifices reminded me and I had got a dog too. So I couldn’t… Later I went to her house and told her brother abt that. I told her brother that If i may have been the reason for manu’s problem and anxiety, I’m very sorry. That was the day I got blocked by her from everywhere… She just couldn’t risk me coming to her house everytime She gives up on me and stops trying to be with me and abandons me. She totally blocked me everywhere no matter how much I tried. Later on she told me, What if u leak our pics… so I started to feel like she doesn’t trust me… and No matter how much I told her I wouldn’t do that, She always felt like I would. So after waiting for her to come back for like a year, I sent the pics to her brother… telling him that she’s scared for this. But Im doing this so there is nothing for her to be scared of anymore. He brother never replied to me but he watched the photos I sent him. There was not a single inappropriate picture. Because I love and respected my ex. Idk what happened to her just cause I talked to her brother. But she never showed any efforts to talk to me later in life and she started taking therapy. But what about me? What abt my attachment? what about my Mental health? was I not good enough? Her love made me crazy for her. And my love made her Crazy in Life. She never tried contacting me. I tried to so many times. Got blocked everywhere. How do I know if Her love is Fake or not? How do I know if She ever truly loved me or was I just an emotional support for her only when she needed it.