I’m back.
The first time I came on this website was over 10 years ago in 2014 and then 2017. I remember finding a support partener, a girl who cut. Things got worse for me since then.
I can’t even write honestly. I honestly wish I could go back. Back to when things were okay, when I could have changed things and my life could have been different. It’s my fault.
I’m not even that depressed, I’m on meds for nearly 10 years now, blunt. I just want to die and be over with it.
It hurts that I always thought life would turn out differently for me. I’m so tired and want to sleep all day.
Close my eyes and not suffer. Mental pain feels so physically hurtful. Like the front of my forehead is hiding some tiredness or pain. I’m embarrassed. I just want a private space to vent. Im hurting. I want to live normal life. I don’t wanna be a neet. So much self hate. So much of gone wrong. So much tiredness. So much self inflicted hurt and hate. I just want to shout and hurt. My face is gone.
I’m hurt.
1 comment
10 years of meds eh? Chances are reasonably high they’re stopping working. If my track record is anything to go by that is. My first go around with psych meds, well that time around was shorter, I think I started in 1998, and I stopped somewhere around 2005. At that point it was mostly side effects. I remember it, and I feel pretty similar now.
So I got all the way off. I probably would have stayed off too if I hadn’t of been a stupid kid. I got married way too young. In a state that doesn’t have an economy to support young families. When THAT fell apart, so did I. I didn’t develop any resiliency in my youth, so I fell apart quick. 2011, so 6 years of function off drugs.
Then a year of self medicating. Before I finally gave in and went back to the doctor. From 2012 to now, I have not been entirely unmedicated.
Yet here I am again. The drugs are stopping working. Worse, these drugs have nasty effects with the climate of the place I have to live in three months of the year.
You have to consider that it might be the meds. None of the psych meds available right now are side effect free, for anyone. When you take them for long enough, all you get is side effects. This is the natural tolerance effect your brain takes towards any mood altering substance.