the deep dark sea

1 will make it shut up but then i wont be able to get enough because i oh so want that damn peace to be infinite and last forever so then ill have to do 2 and go onto  3 maybe 4 perchance 5 and 6 times but then its got me and i am pushed into the sea  and then shit, im neck deep and drowning in pure want. and suddenly my legs are numb and the life is draining out of me and i try to swim out but i’m moving against a m a s s i v e current. the sea speaks to me and it wants to pull me deep deep d e e p down and watch  blood trickle once more and the sea wants to suck  the energy and the effort out of me. and it makes me believe i dont have to stop. want to have to want to have to, its all so. damn. fuzzy. it confuses me and spins me round and round like a merry go round and my sanity comes rushing out of me i am hollow empty nothing and then the sea fills that void once more, telling me to do it again again and guess what again so i can be worth something and feel something and stop the silent loud quiet sound in my head . and i cant fight it because it is oh so strong and i struggle sosososo hard until the effort of trying diminishes me into a desperate mess of pleas and begs and whines to make it fucking stop, and the voice  whispers sweet nothings into my ears and says ‘1 will make it shut up’ ‘1 will make it shut up’ ‘1 will make it shut up’  and suddenly its not being so sweet anymore its getting louder and bellows,demands,shouts and its so loud i just want to make it shut up and then suddenly im back with the blade in my hand and oh nononoo i did it again and i just cant stop,cant i? but all i wanted to do is make it shut up shut up shut up but that doesnt matter because i fucking did it did it did it  made myself weak again. and god dammit im supposed to hate it but it feels like sugar on my tongue the pain is sosososo sweet. my conflicted thoughts consume me so very loud and if ive already done it why not make the sweet pain last forever and im back in that ocean again and for gods sake. i let it happen all over again . i. deserve. the cold icy pain and sorrow and despair and shame . for being weak and letting it consume me once again.i deserve pain pain pain i repeat to myself running the thought around in my brain forever ever ever.

but the most loudest thought

,louder than anything in the whole wide universe

is

‘i want it to stop’.

but i cant make it.