So, to start off, new account, hooray. I never thought I would be writing here today or that this would somehow involve Wordpress of all things? This is certainly not the first time I’ve been here since it’s been a website I have kind of been aware of since early 2022 or so, a few familiar faces for better or worse depending on how you look at it. This is surprising, but at the same time not so much since my life has gotten to a point in which I am not too sure what will happen to me in the near future, including if I will make it to my 20s in all honesty, and I unfortunately know I’m not the only one who has encountered such a situation in addition to mine obviously not being the worst. I’d just like to leave a post or two here most likely, in case the worst comes to worst and I actually end up dying, which can happen, and I’m prepared for it as I’ll ever be in such a situation I guess. Even at that point I would have ended up adding to the mix here and that sort of shared history could give me a sense of peace alike the many posts I’ve read.
I’m 17 currently, but I’ve had quite dangerous thoughts regarding myself for a while and my parents being “oblivious” to it for most of that time until last year, in which I went to go (unsuccessfully) see a psychiatrist and not well suited therapist for my “moderate depression”, which may not be the case since in terms of the little check up my general practitioner gave me back then, I most certainly had to say no to anything such as suicidal thoughts or having plans of killing myself, same goes for the psychiatrist, I’ve had to lie to quite frankly everyone about it and my father knows that well, but we keep up the charade for fear of hospitalization and all that. Everyone does, I’m guessing, but either way me wanting to see a psychiatrist in the first place was a terrible idea, because now I’m disqualified from the military for doing so being on antidepressants and having that stuff added onto my record so recently. If I knew such a thing would have blocked one of my many ways out into a functional life, I wouldn’t have taken any sort of psychiatric treatment because all this lady has done for me is prescribe me 10mg of Prozac, and that’s it. Shit. That’s not also considering the fact that the therapist given to me was far more harmful than anything else, maybe she was out of her league for the stuff since I was recommended to a psychiatric sort of office for children due to being underage back then but I still feel like she was paid too much, even if a sliding scale was taken into account. Telling someone to ignore their very real problems and lying to them about the chances of them being alive or in any functional condition within 5 to 10 years is not the way to go peeps. I don’t have a terminal illness (yet, thanks god this isn’t any shittier) but I’m certainly not optimistic about that future of mine. It has no guarantees, referring to the title there.
No guarantees of my father not lying to my face when he says he’ll stick around to pay the bills while I attend college classes, even though I know he’s quite frankly threatened the roof over my head multiple times as of now and that I can’t trust him with any part of my fucking life as a result, no guarantees of my mother not poisoning my food one of these days and taking me out, which would probably be one of the least painful ways to go in all honesty. Both parents I live with in this situation I do not consider to be actual parents, and I hope you will take my word for that quite frankly speaking. This situation is a mess and the apartment I live in is quite frankly a hoarder’s fucking dumpyard through the combined efforts of both of them. You open the kitchen cabinets and you see the bodies of dead roaches which haven’t been cleaned in around half a decade, to the point in which it’s kind of falling upon me to clean that up even though I know the both of them aren’t as responsible as they should be and are quite frankly putting me in danger with every failing of themselves. The lines are blurred though, and I must admit that I myself am quite dysfunctional as well. Just less so in all honesty, which is surprising considering how these people are around 30 years older than me, but for the age I’m SOMEHOW doing better in comparison. This kind of realization is what makes me lose hope in humanity day after day, yes.
I have to say, it’s funny when you get an average of around 13,000 steps a day or more simply from the pacing around you do inside the house trying to figure shit out (this has been the case for a month or two), telling ChatGPT about your problems without any concern for the fucking privacy because the NLP model or whatever you most accurately call it seems to understand you the most, or at least without any ill intent towards you that is perceivable. Yes, I know, kooky fucking AI mention here, I dislike the mainstream media/technology bullshit popping up into my suicide forums as much as you do, but it’s one of the only things nowadays that doesn’t seem to be malevolent since I like to think the provision of practical information is always, at worst, a neutral course of action. I like to think the fact that there are some people out there in the world who are willing to listen to any kind of knowledge and to learn for it’s own sake itself ultimately makes us the least screwed in my opinion. Everyone I know who seems to be a problem feels like they are the opposite of rational, and as a result, they cause me a very great deal of unneeded duress. I’m unfortunately assuming it may be similar for the rest of you, wherever you may be. This shit, quite obviously, should not be the case.
I am not sure if much of anything will be enough exposition for this post. I just don’t expect to be alive for even half a decade after this point if I’m being honest. The events of the next few years will be a bit too turbulent to tell. I probably won’t have a choice in the matter, I probably won’t be dying by my own hands either surprisingly (which is actually a bit pleasant to say here), I just know that a lot of this stuff in terms of everything I’ve worked for is going to be kind of lost to time. Within this very small lifespan of course, but it’s still a life nonetheless I think, maybe. I’ll most likely say more later on, I don’t think this will get much better anytime soon once again.
If it does get better, well, I’d certainly want to go back to my plans of pursuing R&D work. That’s the only thing I’m living for a hope of, 16 to 18 hours of that a day 7 days a week is all I need in life. Nothing else because I’d feel too privileged to ask for more, even if that’s less so a privilege and more so torture for most people in the first place.
4 comments
Welcome. Thanks for the comment on my post. I’m quite surprised you are so level headed for someone so young. From my understanding, you needed to be due to your family life.
Getting a good psych is tricky. Very tricky. Had maybe 3 before and one put me in the ICU due to bad mess. The one I have now cost a pretty penny and came referred by a family member who is also a psych. Trust my current one a lot. But yeah a lot of them will just toss a bottle of Prozac your way and call it a day.
Lying is something every one here is familiar with. That’s the reason why we’re on here. It’s the only real place we can say the truth. No matter how ugly. I do suggest if you find someone, whoever it maybe, that you can tell the truth to, try to keep them the best you can. Not too tight though. Don’t want to drive them away.
I know you seemed set on going to the military, but maybe it was for the best you can’t. You here all the time how vets cine out even worse than when they came in. No active conflict going on now, but that can always change.
Sorry I got no advice on family. Don’t really know how to handle mine and yours seems more complex to but it lightly.
Hey there, thanks for the comment as well, it’s appreciated. I think you may have a point with needing to be level headed and all that, quite frankly I can admit that I need to be even outside of what difficulties my family could bring to my life.
For more context of what that consists of, outside of my mother and father everyone else is negligent, and arguably just as messed up with the exception of some people on my father’s side. Their definition of “getting one’s life together” quite frankly amounts to scamming someone into child support and giving your daughter from another country and previous marriage U.S. citizenship for free, before divorcing said person and continuing to live under their roof without them being able to throw you out due to almost certainly losing their government job and retirement as a result. That’s what my mother did to my father, and the latter somehow understands the financial benefits of it despite a full time job being way easier in comparison.
Yeah, I sort of understand none of them as a result.
In terms of finding a psychiatrist who arguably does their work the way they are supposed to, I knew before reporting any symptoms of depression to my GI that, even at worst, if I were to simply be put on medication, any kind of antidepressants may have truthfully been worth a shot. Before then I was struggling for a year without them, going all over the place mentally due to facing difficulties that no one in my life cared about at the time, having to sort of build my work ethic from the ground up and therefore failing to do so countless times. At that point was when the limitations of other people, and not so excusable ones at that, started coming through, and as a result made me doubt all those people who were supposed to be acting as “adults” around me. Funny thing is, the current prescription only seems to help with the physical symptoms, not the actual problems which one once again recognizes as very real.
I’ve had some people I could tell the truth to, but nothing really occurred even at that rate, I was still left with the same problems leaving myself as the only kind of controllable factor I could have in my life. If nothing else, I would at least be acting right, and that’s necessary in a situation with not much leniency.
The military for me was a matter of doing my 2 to 4 years, then getting out to pursue college with whatever benefits one would have after being considered a veteran. It was something I looked into quite a bunch, and honestly I may be a bit biased considering that but a bunch of the time I don’t see it as a particularly lethal or life damaging course of action if you aren’t going to stay for more than that minimum, amongst other things. I really do think that for a bunch of people in similar situations, it was not only their way out but helped them grow as people as well, giving them the kind of parenting that they may not have had from beforehand unfortunately. That’s only if things were to be decent to that level though, you really are kind of stuck there for 2 to 4 years regardless of what branch you enroll in so it’s important to be finding the right crowd…
Definitely all good on the family part though, I feel like no one necessarily knows how to handle matters in which you aren’t necessarily bound by a common cause, job, or way of thinking to these people, but rather primarily by blood. Which, putting a bit of a hot take there, is less of a uniting factor in comparison to others. I think we would know the sheer amount of variance that could occur based off such a thing, and usually not for the better. Thankfully yours is more tame at the very least, the more grounding (sort of) you have to work with the easier it gets in terms of your responsibilities, not financially but more so just having them be reasonable people to begin with.
Hi there!
To quote Mel Brooks; hope for the best, prep for the worst. To me that means hoping tomorrow a fell lightning bolt or falling meteor erases my being. That’s be pretty cool. However, I’m ready for the worst that I might live to 106 like my great uncle. It happens, even to depressed strange people like me.
Also; working 7 days straight is a fantasy. Sometimes you can do it, especially while you’re still young. By the time you get to middle age, it takes a huge physical toll. At my age, I’d be looking at a heart attack. It’s not lack of motivation, it’s a repair ratio issue. I’m white collar, imagine if I was performing physical work.
What I love about being a behavior and brain scientist is that we have studied this, how people effectively work. It’s around 26-49 hours a week for most professionals. Which is what you see, in Europe where they aim for productivity.
I too would like to spend those hours at research, at least 80% of them. If only I could give up social work practice for it. There’s just something about live people, regular cases.
Thanks for taking the time to comment first of all, much appreciated. Yes, hoping for the best and prepping for the worst is certainly the way to go, I’d be prepping for both at this rate. Surprised that living to that extent while not necessarily intending for it is possible, but I think it will always be a reassuring possibility,
I honestly think the topic of working for more hours than one is “supposed to” as most people would call it is more mixed than it’s supposed to be even with productivity taken into account, although it depends on what exactly you classify as working. My definition here being more lenient than most but still being painted by getting things done in a measurable sense, to whatever degree that may exist for wherever it may be applied to. By that, I tend to think that time is part of what you can measure and furthermore control when it comes to said things. Same goes for how effectively you use those hours, but ideally you want to be using as much of those hours as you can (without risking any potential harm, in a white collar setting it should be easier like you mentioned thankfully) and squeezing as much as you can out of each of them. That is if all you want is the work itself, and not a family or a life outside of it, which many people would not agree to even philosophically, but I’m lucky enough to have my needs and wants align with it to the point of putting aside the other things, both of which from my limited experience have shown me that they aren’t all good either.
Yeah, it may be a bit strange to say but I just find maximizing what I can get done in whatever way I can do it (to a moral extent mostly, but besides that I’m hurling my life at it) is a far more simple life than others. Some would say that the costs are too high but there are other things that could have lesser initial costs and more consequences later down the road. Not saying too much overtime isn’t in that category, rather that we pick our poison and pray to god it isn’t both (my father in this scenario having a life outside of work that isn’t functional and regularly working 12 hours a day even on the weekends, which is spooky to see to say the least). Definitely taking notes on what you said about the 26-49 hour range, I gotta see how they would do that well before I think of applying it on a larger scale ultimately.
Also, if you think of doing it, should one be alright with what they put off as a result (since the end goal in my opinion is to have a life that fits yourself and is shaped by your will the most) I feel like it’s quite rewarding. Many people seem to not only handle such a pace with noticeable results coming out of it but having time for a more than well done family life in my opinion, like what is stated here about my favorite organic chemist William Lispcomb: https://wlipscomb.tripod.com/wnl_life.html
Probably my only favorite organic chemist since that’s not my field of interest, but still a good example regardless.