What do you do when you intensely HATE this fucking planet and all the shitty ppl in it?
Yeah yeah “there’s still good ppl out there” but that don’t mean shit when everyone *I* am in contact with are fucking assholes and douchebags. And by in contact with, I don’t mean any current ppl that I am voluntarily choosing to speak to. By “in contact with” I mean all the assholes in my life that fucked me up, abused me, used me, manipulated me, etc. Starting with shitty ass family. And later branching out to shitty ass bosses/superiors. You don’t have a choice with family and bosses.
And then I got fucked by dr after dr after dr who messed me up WAY more than the fucking car accident did- which btw, was bc this asshole refused to STOP at a red light and ran me over. And then the shitty ass cop who screwed me up bc he blamed me for jaywalking when I was just a few feet from the official “line” of the crosswalk. Fucking majorly screwed me over. Fucking asshole.
And then later “friends” who are just out there to use you in some way. And ditch you the second you cease to be useful. Or “frenemies” who purposely are friends with you so they can manipulate and gaslight you to make themselves feel better. And don’t even get me started with men and the one asshole that did grape.
No, I was never hateful before- even when all this shit was happening and done to me, I still didn’t hate humans- UNTIL the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. I just can’t take this shit anymore. NOW I fucking HATE humans. I HATE this shitty fucking world.
It’s not fair that I have to constantly suffer while I see others live carefree happy ass lives. And most of them didn’t even work hard for it or deserve it- they just were born to a middle or upper middle class life, and then had family help with college, jobs, whatever. Meanwhile, I had ZERO fucking help. I had no food, no shoes. Had to work in a sweatshop at age 7-9. I went to college and had to literally work 3-4 PT jobs every semester just to get by, on TOP of a full load of classes. I had to work to the bone while I saw everyone else partying. And their biggest worry was “do you think he likes me?,” or “what do you think about this lipstick/makeup/shirt/etc?
Meanwhile I literally had NO HOME to go to when the schools shut down, no place to live after the last semester ended. And I was SO “lucky” to graduate 3mo right after 9/11, in FINANCE, in NYC, when everything finance was DEAD. Everyone else just graduated, stayed at home and chilled for 1-2 years to find a job bc that’s how bad the job market was, that it took ppl on avg 1-2 yrs to finally find a job in finance. THEY just rode it out. Stayed at home and family helped them. Me? I had to find a job right away otherwise I’d starve bc I had no place to live and no one to fucking help me. Eventually I found a job- several hundred miles away. But took that job I did bc well, survival.
And that was all the tip of the iceberg- none of that “bothered” me so long as I was able to work and make something of myself. But that all changed when a fucking asshole didn’t stop at the red light ran me over and FUCKED up my body for life. Now I am in 24/7 eternal fucking pain and have constant health issues.
Oh but no, it doesn’t stop there. There’s SO much more that happened to me after the car accident, AFTER surviving the severe childhood abuse. Like WHEN will my suffering end?
It’s just one shit sandwich after shit sandwich. Will the universe let up? Nope. I’m constantly having to battle fires. I’m fucking tired. I’m fucking ANGRY. It’s not fucking fair the universe keeps piling shit onto me. And no, I will not just roll over and accept “well life isn’t fair.” Fuck everyone who says that shit. It’s one thing if someone else has it a little or somewhat better than you. It’s another thing when you lose your fucking legs, and hands, and eyes, and health and vitality bc the universe just decides to shit on you, over and over again.
I can’t fucking take this shit anymore. Yes I’m ANGRY as HELL. But what can I do? All I can do is stew in anger, which isn’t good obviously. But how do I not HATE this fucking world and all the ppl who’ve screwed me over? It’s one thing if it’s just 1 or 2 or 3 things. But with me, it’s 10, 11, 12, 13, 20 things. BIG things. BIG horrible fucking things the universe decided to screw me over with. Or rather shitty ass HUMANS have done to me.
I am ANGRY bc I can’t escape it. What can I do? I can’t just accept peace and go “meditate.” Fuck that shit. Not that it works anyway (not like I didn’t try). No amount of “therapy” fucking works bc most of these ppl are idiots reading from a script. No amount of drugs help- phar.ma drugs don’t solve ANY of the issues ppl have bc drugs don’t fix things like income inequality, homelessness, lack of income, shitty bosses, shitty neighborhood, etc.
And no, I didn’t have a “bad attitude” back then, all these decades when I was being screwed over. I still had hope in life and was positive and I was super sweet back then. And I STILL kept getting screwed over by life/ppl/the universe.
And yeah, I have a “bad attitude” now, but the straw literally broke my back. I guarantee you ANYBODY who has had to live my fucking life wouldn’t have made it this far. When annoying ppl ***** and whine about a fucking little cold and think it’s the “worst thing ever” when they literally just get better in a week. But think YOU’RE the one that’s weak for being depressed and suicidal bc you lost the ability to move your body after all the car accidents and drs who messed you up. And the horrible bacterial infections. But apparently *I* am the weak one according to these motherfuckers who can’t even handle a fucking 1 week cold. Fuck you callous assholes. I hope one day YOU get to experience the level of pain and suffering I have. But ofc they won’t. Bc this universe only screws over the good, not the selfish assholes who manipulate. THOSE ppl always live the best lives. Bc that’s how this world works.
—–
So SP Peeps- milion dollar question- how do I NOT hate this world and everyone in it? How do I “come to terms” with constantly getting screwed out of life? It’s not like everything “is in the past.” It’s very much NOW and in the current that I’m still being screwed over. Hence, my anger and bitterness.
1 comment
There are things I’ve found that I have better than most people, and yet, here I am.
Eternal, I’ve seen a lot of your posts, and despite all the shit that’s been tossed your way, and how jaded life has made you, you’re still here.
You’ve gone through so much more than a lot of people could handle, for sure.
I know I would’ve been either dead or on the street without the lifelines I’ve had for most of my life.
You’ve scratched and clawed through it, to etch out something good, just to have an accident cripple you for the remainder of your life.
If I saw you on the street before I became this mess of a mental case, I’d be ignorant too.
Honestly though, knowing the story is a lot different.
I see why you hate people and the world.
The people and things that shaped you, did not treat you kindly and I’m sorry that it’s like that for you.
I’m on the other side in a way. All of the bad in my life is my own fault. I’ve been bailed out by people who care. The issue is that I’m not trusted to do anything. Still seen as a kid and a fuck up by nuclear family especially, while I try to figure shit out, and try to not fuck up my health and wind up overweight to the point of messing my body up by age 45…
Anyway, I see you, Eternal. Not too sure how to reframe years of abuse and trauma like that. Don’t know if a therapist could untangle that either. At least you’re here in some way, providing your view on things. Maybe something you’ve brought up can change someone else’s mindset.
I’d like to think me rambling into the void like this helps someone who stumbles onto my words somehow, and pushes them into a better direction because of it.