Carrot on a Stick

The pressure on my head has lessen a bit. I think it’s because I haven’t been able to work on the bot for the past few days. I’ve been waiting on the help of others to get things done. An underclassman who knows how to solder on a PCB and one of my team mates who can help me explain the weird behavior of some of the motors. I tried using the PCB I soldered once more and got another blow out. Of course. Then I try one more time to solder another put it just ended up a mess. I only got 2 left and I can’t afford to fuck up anymore, hence the underclassman. Took fucking forever just to respond to my messages. Probably thinks I’m pathetic that I can’t solder. I’ve tried 4 times now and all ended up bad. I hate this. So there’s nothing I’ve been able to do. Kills me. I had a short meeting yesterday with my “team”. We were a team but then we kind of just splintered off into our own thing. I was visibly frustrated on the lack of progress I’ve made. They seemed sympathetic. I think. Mostly the girl. People confuse me, even in those times. When talking about how I’m going to explain to our advisor how I won’t make the deadline, they did mention that I could bring up that I needed to focus on the thesis writing instead. Except I haven’t done any. Nor know how. There’s a workshop Friday, but I think its meant to be for those not on their last fucking semester. Need to figure something out.

Then guess what. The deadline gets extended by 10 days. For a brief fleeting moment I thought I’d be able to make it. No chance. Even with the 10 day extension, there’s no chance I make it. Carrot on a stick. Always out of reach. I can’t see my future. I don’t know how this ends. I wonder how quiet it’ll be when we die. Will it be like sleep? That sleep that happens when there’s nothing.