Despite how much I wish for everything to end I don’t think it will

I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts and awful behaviors through much of my conscious life. The furthest back I can remember being such a narcissistic, awful, and boring person is from elementary school. I’m not going to paint some bleak and extreme picture where I am the most tortured soul on the planet because, in reality, those younger years were not bad in the ways that I see for most people. I grew up with divorced parents and little-to-no friends, and I was relatively indifferent to it all; I still am. Every time I’ve tried to write out my thoughts and feelings it always comes off as edgy or extremely pretentious, and as I write this I still have those same feelings. However, I still feel like writing anything is better than nothing because I don’t know how much worse it can get for me; I don’t want to know at all. It is undeniable that I am narcissistic. I hate myself and think about how pathetic I am to such a degree that it’s all I think about. Arguments with my girlfriend at the time were always pointless because I could only think of myself in the moment. No matter how much she tried to resolve whatever new and paranoia-born issue I had with her, I couldn’t see or think clearly because all I thought about was myself and how pathetic I am. It’s just as bad to praise yourself as it is to hate yourself.
My suicidal thoughts have always been on the milder side, but I experienced how awful they can be when she ended up breaking up with me and finally cutting me off. I will admit that I am a terrible person and I will not let my own struggles display me as a person deserving of sympathy or remorse. I was awful to her for nearly a year and half after our breakup because I just couldn’t get over her. I still can’t get over her because of the feelings I felt. I’ll speak for myself and say that I am not the kind of person who deserves a relationship or frequently gets into them. She was my first girlfriend, and my logic was that because I had never felt those feelings before, (bliss, mental warmth, and what I considered “true happiness) that I was in love. For the time I was with her I had genuinely never felt such happiness and bliss in my entire life. I miss her a lot. It took me a long time to get rid of pictures of her, videos of her singing, and refraining from talking to her. I’m still struggling with that last part. I was such a vile and pathetic person to her and yet I still want her to come back to me. After our breakup it was almost nothing but arguments and me being a paranoid idiot. She told me personally that she tried her best to power through it so she could make me happy and have us potentially be together again when I would change, but I obviously never did. I “changed” too late anyways.
The culmination of it all came when I attempted suicide after she said we should stop talking to each other forever. In that moment I did not think about the people around me who would be affected from my death because back then, and even now, I still only care for her. I love her so much that I would leave behind everything just to be with her and nothing else. That is how I felt when I first met her and it’s how I still think. It’s such an awful and selfish way to think. I hate it, but I hate saying that as well because it proves how little I think of others and how much I think about myself. It doesn’t matter that I express hate rather than intense love or pride for myself because I still think about me more than anything.
I cried for hours when my dad drove out to get me after I gathered the courage to give up on my attempt and call him. When he and a few of my other relatives talked to me about why I attempted, why I even had those feelings and thoughts in the first place, and if I was okay, I just felt so detached from all of them. I was still thinking about my then girlfriend because all of those things stemmed from her, and only she mattered. My behavior about her is obsessive and extreme, I’m aware of that much. I know why I still love her. I really just want her to come back because I know I’ll be happy again. I was truly happy every moment I spent with her. I look back on some of our worst arguments and think about how much of an idiot I am for taking for granted even those moments.
It’s only been 6 months since then, and in that time I have bounced back and forth multiple girls while trying to go back to the things I used to enjoy by myself. It’s all superficial and pathetic. Those new relationships were extremely short-lived and came out of pure desperation to have someone to say they love me. I made my intentions clear every time by being extremely overly-affectionate and asking them if I could say “I love you.” If any of those girls had continued being with me I would’ve stayed with them. It’s all too common to say people refer to themselves as kind and caring but then they turn out to be the exact opposite. In my case I can somewhat truly say it though because I am desperate and still filled with enough “love” and “affection” to dedicate my entire being to another person as long as they will say they love me. But even when I became attached to a new girl I still thought about my then girlfriend mentioned earlier. The way I felt for her was pure because it was the first time I had ever felt “that way” about a person. I feel like I’ll never forget about her, and even worse, that I won’t forget my feelings for her. I don’t want to be alive in 10 or even 20 years and still yearn for her.
I’m at a point where I can say I feel relatively normal in day-to-day life. I watch movies, read books, and visual novels. I recently re-read Goodnight Punpun, watched The Substance, and finished reading Sakura no Uta, Sakura no Toki, The Metamorphosis, and I Am a Strange Loop. Re-reading Goodnight Punpun was probably one of the worst decisions I could have made as of recent because I ended up taking nothing else away from it other than “I wish I had someone like Aiko.” I want to care for someone and tell them that I love them every single minute I’m awake. I want to spend time with them and share happiness with them, but I don’t think I’ll ever find that person again. The girl I wish to be with again is the only one I want to be with, and I hate it.
Originally I was going to study at a relatively okay-ish university for Electrical Engineering & Computer Science, but I can’t afford it. This has led me to joining the USSF because of the more hands-on and direct technical education for Networking, Computer Science, and Cybersecurity. These are the fields of work I genuinely like and want to pursue as a career. I thought of a silly plan to save 60-80% of the money I make from that job and just disappear to live on my own somewhere else. I’m not sure if I’ll follow through with it or not, but I’ll definitely commit to the money-saving part. I don’t know how I’ll be mentally after my contract ends, but for a strange reason I hope I’m still suicidal. I hate the idea of me becoming “normal” and being content with living the “normal” life. I want to be with the girl I love again. I want to see her, I want to hear her, and I want to tell her I love her and hear it back from her.
When I think about suicide now I think about my family a little, which depresses me even more. I wish I was completely alone so I wouldn’t now feel awful about potentially killing myself in the future. I think I’m still indifferent enough to everyone else to not really care about them if it ever came down to ending my life again, but I can’t say for sure. The issue is that I lack the will and courage to try killing myself again. Someone close to me would need to die for me to get the urge to build-up enough for me to attempt again, but I find myself both wishing for it to happen and to not happen. I just want to be with her again. I love her from the bottom of my heart. I think I’ll continue to indulge in unproductive activates like reading, finish my contract with the USSF, and yearning for my first love.
I know how annoying it is to constantly hear about her, but I really do miss her more than anything in the world. I always hope that she’ll come back to me and say “I never stopped loving you, I want to be with you again, I love you too.” I hope she knows that I still love her. If, by the most infinitesimal shred of chance, you see this, then just know that I love you very much. I will always love you. I will never break that promise I made to you. I hope you’re doing better than I am, and I’m sorry for everything I’ve put you through. I hope my life doesn’t continue to be this miserable, if it does, then please find some way to kill me. I don’t want to live a life where I can’t be with someone I love so deeply. My misery is my fault alone.