I had another therapy session with my psychiatrist. I basically told him all the stuff I say on here. Pretty much verbatim. He did say that my suicidal ideation is just a weird defense mechanism. A way to “calm” myself because thinking it means I always have an escape exit. An escape exit I never take, but still an escape exit. This is pretty accurate. If that wasn’t the case there wouldn’t be 8+ years worth of posts on here from me. There would be like 1 or 2 and I would be in the ground. I told him that I don’t like people. That they make me uncomfortable and I’m comfortable alone. How I like being alone but I don’t like the way it makes me feel sometimes. It was 45 minutes, but it felt much shorter than that and I can’t even remember everything he said. He did say I was using my time well though. Giving good stuff to work with. So I guess that’s fine.
Nothing feels right. The situation doesn’t feel right. I keep going to school and working on the robot and going grocery shopping and writing these posts, but none of it feels right. Not totally wrong, but still not right. Like everything is slightly crooked. I still can’t see what’s going to happen after this. The easiest answer is I get a job and then I do everything in my power not to get fired and I repeat this process for 40 odd years. Then I guess I retire and stare at the wall waiting to die. The reason why this answer is easy is because it is very paint by numbers sort of future. Not something really concrete or descriptive. Just something you say when other people ask “So what’s next?” I told him about that fight between the anchor and the voice. That thing I don’t quite understand that keeps me going and that non stop noise telling me to do a dry dive off a high rise. How I don’t care which one wins, I just want one of them to win and get it over with. Either I commit to living and never think about jamming a gun barrel into my mouth again or I finally just get it over with and kill myself already. He said I cared a little. I guess that’s true. I’m invested in the sense that I’ll be doing whatever ends up winning. I told him I want to understand the anchor better. So that way if I know both sides clearly, I can figure out a way to tip the scales in any direction. I guess I’ve only ever thought about overcoming the anchor because I can’t really imagine a world where I don’t hate myself and not think about killing myself. But like I said in order for it to happen I need to be driven into a corner. There’s no other way. I saw it a bit a few weeks ago when I was loosing it over all the problems with my robot. It drove me to pointing a box cutter at my own throat but not enough to finally do it. So it just resulted in a pointless show for no one. So the question is how bad do things need to get before I can just shut up and get it over with?
1 comment
Well, that’s psych 101; if someone is expressing both suicidality and lack of control, it follows that suicidality is a grasp for control, that and that’s the most common reason people kill themselves. No control allows you to check out a certain amount, and then you can convince yourself it’s the only way out.
It isn’t, most of the time. I can relate to not being able to imagine a point of not being suicidal, but I can imagine it being more low key. I’ve said often that my depression is a lot like flu, except eternal. Sometimes it tears me up really bad, other times no one knows.
Saying that you care seems like wishful thinking on his part. I’ve had therapists say that to me over the years, the outcome wasn’t good any of those times. I had a discussion about this today, how modern therapy fails to connect with the people it treats. Most therapists don’t know the pain you and I know. Seems like it should be required to me, to at least have some exposure to the reasons your clients are suicidal…..
but as I point out often, the field of psychology has not elected to put me in a position of power or influence. So what I think doesn’t matter apart from to me. This is a choice I made because I’m a coward, I could have pushed harder, I’m probably going to push harder for influence again.
That’s where I connect most with your situation, as it isn’t that different; we both aimed high in competitive fields, and came up short. The approaches were different because of our different backgrounds. I already had a strong hatred for anyone unwilling to facilitate my progress. So I got to make it someone else’s problem, not that doing that was a practical or effective solution.
That you hold off though, that does communicate something.
I want to focus in on the last bit, of how long will it be before you hit that point it’s so bad you’re willing to act. I got there, multiple times. The only reason I didn’t die then was my ego, that’s it. If my ego got knocked out really effectively, I’d be in serious danger.
What I mean is that I don’t want to be remembered as someone who ended their life. My lack of faith means that my belief I’ll be remembered is my only legacy. It’s just that, most of the time. I think so much of myself that I am obsessed with leaving a legacy of being a unit of a person who kicked butt at least half the time.
The fun part is that it apparently doesn’t matter if it’s true. I appear to get that kind of credit now, and I’m not performing to my potential at all, unless it’s in the area of smoking the most tobacco and cannabis I ever have.
So that’s my counter point; what’s it going to take for you to have sufficient reason not to do it, and to know that even if you wanted to really bad you’d stop yourself?
Figure that out you know all you need to.