What if we don’t have the strength to continue (or make the huge necessary changes to our life), but what if we also don’t have the strength to off ourselves either? Stuck in a life of not really living and not dead.
I’m just so exhausted with life…but I don’t want to die not having lived a happy life and not having accomplished anything. If I quit now while I’m miserable, I feel like this stupid shitty universe has “won,” and I can’t have that. I would only live and dig a better life out of spite- like fuck you universe, you keep on throwing shit my way and wanting me to end up fucked up, so I naturally refuse. I rebel against my shitty ass “fate” that has been doled out to me.
But, bc I am so physically sick, I do not have the appropriate energy or strength or willpower to actually to anything with my life. I’m stuck battling all these little fires I have on a daily basis- it’s a struggle just to feed myself and do all the chores I need to do in order to even maintain a semblance of life. And at the end of the day, I am exhausted. No strength nor energy or will to actually do something major to change my life, when I already am struggling with stupid basic things like food and shower and whatnot.
Idk. I hate that I am stuck. I hate that I have literally no energy to get up and change my life. Part of it is myself to blame (depression), and part of it is my fucking health (lack of physical energy).
Does anyone hate themselves for not getting themselves out of their situations? Not doing what needs to be done to get out from being stuck and depressed and with a shit life?
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It feels like you have to be quite lucky to encounter the set of circumstances in which, all things considered you kind of have to get moving no matter what. Personally, it’s due to the inadequacies and faults of the people around me (including myself) that kind of made me realize that, well, damn, things are going to be arguably worse if I don’t do what I need to even if such events don’t seem that linear in the moment, so part of my rationale is just seeing where I and others have fallen short over time, in that me and those around me have kind of not recognized that preparation plays a great deal in avoiding any kind of hardship and yet we like to complain when things go bad for us. Certainly not the case for everyone, and I bet it’s more so common sense for people outside of my family, but at least now I have the comfort of knowing that a heck ton of my pain is self-inflicted and that I’d best try fixing that, otherwise I’m obviously quite the hypocrite.
Truthfully, not everyone would just be able to suddenly muster up the will to put in hours that at least, in the moment, don’t see to lead much of anywhere. It makes sense that there’s a sort of inertia going on depending on your situation since sometimes you are kind of “forced” to wait for anything good to happen, although as actors in a world consisting in billions (probably more) of things I always like to think it’s more than likely that there’s something outside of our line of sight which we aren’t aware of yet, which we could be dedicating our time towards, either in advance or with the effort paying off immediately. At the very least, I can’t necessarily spend my time doing nothing I feel like, it may not be getting out of things just yet but at this sort of rate you tend to be motivated by the progress for it’s own sake. Sisyphus esque reasoning which makes sense because the world does not.
Of course, besides all of that, it’s easier said than done when you physically are kind of stuck in place, that’s like trying to get a job while bedridden, which is still very much possible but makes you take a sort of different route entirely. Sure, you may still have legs, but you can’t really take them anywhere outside so the standard kind of supermarket or warehouse roles that simply require you to “be there” aren’t an option because you quite literally can’t be there. Remote roles on the other hand, while seeming to be one of your only options, obviously require a bit of specialized experience before companies decide to take you up on it since working from anywhere is still seen as a privilege of sorts even if it’s been shown to be much more productive in terms of actually getting things done. Essentially, in addition to the internal conflict which is due to all sorts of things, once you stop digging that hole you have a much deeper one to climb out of in comparison to the “average” person, whatever the average may be.
Regardless, as I’ve seen, if you can stop digging that hole then you can likely find yourself the rationale to take yourself out of it, regardless of most circumstances. Once you get out, you never go back in the same one necessarily. Sure, you know how to dig yourself a pit from beforehand, so it may feel similar, but it’s not the same slump ultimately, the circumstances are too different for that to be the case I would assume. From that point onwards, if you can manage to stay on the surface level for long enough (which you most likely will at that point), that’s where you start building up.
Of course, thinking about such things already like you’re doing would be stopping the digging. The more you consider your situation instead of shying away from it, odds are the more you’ll be tempted to try things out which get you a little bit closer to where you want to be.
It’s hard to “get out” of my hole when moving into my mother’s shithole of a house has lead me to multiple infections, and I *STILL* have bacteria/fungus all over me. Drs haven’t done shit. I can’t do anything if I am constantly itchy and infectious and it keeps growing. And this is but ONE of my health problems. If I was healthy, I can just pick up and go, and do what I need to. But I’m so sick. Also have kidney disease and metabolic syndrome plus issues with physically moving my body. So yeah, it’s not as simple as just “go and dig yourself out of the hole” but the longer I stay here the worse I’ll get. Also- I don’t have a place to go and everywhere is expensive as shit. So there’s that too.
“Regardless, as I’ve seen, if you can stop digging that hole then you can likely find yourself the rationale to take yourself out of it, regardless of most circumstances.”
You have not seen what life is like when you’re disabled and chronically ill. Each day is a battle just to get oneself bathed, fed, cleaned etc. Let alone make monumental changes in one’s life. Hey- I am ex-military. I can tell you I’ve just “gotten up and gone” a million times in the past when I was healthy and just packed up and left and did whatever I wanted to. Now, now I am stuck in a body that doesn’t work and is actively growing bacteria and fungus every day. If I skip a day of scraping those things off, it spreads. And no cream or lotion or med is of any use. If I didn’t have to constantly deal with that shit on a daily basis, and it was “just” my other health issues, at least that would be easier. But this is a daily thing so it really fucks with what I can do and where I can go. It’s not simply about “putting my mind to it” and digging myself out of a hole.
Well, damn, I could say I understand it more now thanks to what you’ve just said. The practical constraints are certainly evident there then, although I guess that’s why I said “most circumstances” because yeah, there’s certainly the possibility for situations like this, wouldn’t deny it.
In your case, you obviously can’t climb if you have your hands occupied by all those things your juggling, and that’s the living environment, the neglectful healthcare (such in such a situation, despite whatever creams, lotions and medications they throw at it, this affects your quality of life to where it should obviously be more of a priority), and then of course the bundle of conditions you’ve mentioned which due to the previous stuff doesn’t seem to be getting addressed despite the obvious pain it puts you in.
Looking into the things you’ve mentioned what makes it difficult is that even the metabolic syndrome thing is a combination of other things, so somehow you have health problems that are both correlated with one another and yet possibly entirely new or different in the case of the bacteria/fungus. Obviously, at that rate it’s not just bathing, feeding and cleaning yourself you’re doing but managing four different (possibly more) things when a person would usually only have to deal with one or two of them.
At the very least you recognize that movement is necessary knowing that your current space is messing things up, I do understand the concerns with going elsewhere (and it’s hard to be looking into that when you are trying to recover from being battered up). Even still, in such a case if you have that many things there attempting to roll with the punches is in and of itself movement. Certainly not the linear kind, but with the amount of factors life throws at you, can’t expect that at the moment.
There’s certainly not much room for error at least since so many people around you are messing up at that rate. If you know the extent of your circumstances there, then you in terms of the actions you make as a person would deserve more leniency at the very least. You can guarantee at the very least, that once you are no longer inhibited by more temporary factors (not saying that the issues with physically moving your body will go away completely, more so the place you are living in for example), things will be much easier in comparison. No assumptions that it’s simple now of course, or that a steady rate of progress is there, or that it won’t take months or years for noticeable improvement. It’s to be expected given your circumstances, and at the same time at least emotionally, you seem to be anything but done yet. It certainly starts with what you think, yes, I would say that your resilience is not to be taken for granted.
hence i’m depressed af. i’m in a bind- too sick and poor to get better. but i do need to get out of this place- it’s making me sicker. doesn’t help that my asshole neighbor is purposely making me sicker, bc if he weren’t doing the things he is doing, i would’ve moved out a year ago. but instead he’s doing things to make me more sick, so i can’t physically move out. what an idiot. if he wants me to leave, then he needs to quit making me sicker bc me being sick means I HAVE to stay. that idiot POS.
yeah, that’s on top of all the physical shit i have to deal with.
what i need is a safe, decent place to stay for like 3-6mo. but ofc i have no one offering me that. and everything is about 1000 at the bare minimum or 1500 for rent. which adds up to a fucking lot.
Jury is still out on whether making an effort would produce significant enough results to justify said effort. I’ve been trying, and I often wonder if it’s worth it.
Oh my hate goes in all directions for my failure to escape this hell. I tried to bargain and make a deal for far too long, in a way I still am. Point being, I have no idea how close I am to escape, it feels the same as when I started this whole stupid thing. Not much chance of getting out, because this thing has a gravitational power, it’s sucking my life away.
So to have spent it trying to escape hell, which is how I think you spent what able bodied time you had, and no one knows how much they’ll get of that….. I’m not sure how it could have been better spent. If the decisions at the time held true based on current data, altering data interpreation is all you can do, and you can’t do it retroactively.
I say all this…… 28 years bottled in this place. I sometimes wonder if my neighbors ever hear me scream.