3rd therapy session today. Got more into it. Our conversations seem to have an odd flow to them. Sometimes I don’t know how we get from A to D. He seemed more combative this time. More willing to push back against me. Usually when a therapist does that it annoys me, but with this guy I want to try and push back. Argue for my point. He did admit as much that he was more argumentative. I said I was fine with it. That I’m curious. I live in my head probably 90% of the time. I want to see if my “ideas” about everything hold any water. This is a good way to test that I think. I’m surprisingly level headed during our conversation. Usually when I talk about this sort of stuff I get emotional. But this time around I try to think more about what I’m going to say. How to formulate my thoughts. I say a lot of what I saw on here pretty much verbatim. They’re stream of conscious type stuff but still stuff I try to think over. He proposed something at the end. He’s aware of my “Journal” entries. He asked me to write about what we talked about this session. But I don’t just do these things off the cuff. Sometimes I do, but not all the time. Plus there’s the fact that I will be conscious of the fact someone I know is going to be reading it. So I won’t be able to write like I normally can. So I had a very bad idea. I’d offer show him some of my old stuff. Stuff that was relevant to what we talked about, but still retains that the mood and attitude that I normally have when writing. I’ll be sure to scrub out any mention of this place or people. But now’s the issue of which of my posts to choose. I’ve got stuff dating back 8 years and he knows this. I think it would be advantageous to show him a few from back then. Since my way of thinking has shifted but not really evolved over these years, it might give him better insight. Another thing that I should point out is that I’m afraid I tipped my hand a bit too much. Mentioned the final push I think I’ll get in December. Mentioned how I hate myself. Cried a little but tried to shrug it off. He still took note of it though. Felt a little slighted when he did point it out.
Things still going down hill. Still find it hard to care. Haven’t made too much headway on my robot in a few days. Putting off testing even though I know what I need to do. Need to pull myself though. Still won’t make it, but at least I could say I didn’t implode when I still had a month left. That one girl seems off. She’s actually competent and is trying to make the paper deadline. Had less time than me and still managed to get it done. Of course my inferiority complex was really getting to me, even though it really shouldn’t. Everyone there is better than me, but I’m especially aware of how smart she is. Even though I pity myself like I always do, I’m kinda glad she’s able to get a paper out. If anyone deserves to be published it would be her. But she seems off lately. I’ve pretty much become been isolating myself from the other research assistants. More so than usual. Going on weekends and nights instead of the day. More comfortable that way since my complex is acting up. But she seems to have clocked me. As she was going to turn in and I was going to start for the night, she said bye and I wave a bit to be cordial. But then she stopped and asked me how I was. Of course that is not the biggest thing in the world. In fact it’s a completely average thing to do. But it still throws me off. Nobody else in the lab really gives a fuck weather I’m there or not. Why would they? I never gave them a reason to care. But she’s nice. And that especially confuses me. I say I’m good. She stands there awkwardly. I don’t really elaborate or anything and after like 5 seconds I caved and asked her how she was doing. She goes on about her project. I listen politely. Ask a question or two. She then tells me not to say up to late. Like an absolute moron, I tell her it’s not an issue for me. I stay up to like 3 regardless of what I’m doing. I told her I prefer night time. Why did I continue the conversation? I could have just said “ok” be done with it. She asked if I sleep late I say 9:30 ish. She says ah and then she leaves. This is a completely normal conversation. Nobody should have any real issue with this. So why does it stick out in my head? What makes it such an issue for me? Same thing the next day. She says hi, I say hi, I continue to walk on and she asks me the same question. How are you doing? I was already leaving. I made no indication that I wanted to have a conversation. I’m sure anybody who’s gotten this far is probably going “what the fuck are you on about? Who gives a shit and why are you making this a big deal?” And the thing is I’m with you. I have no idea why this matters. I think what is throwing me off is what’s the motive? Why the friend routine? Everybody else in the lab is perfectly comfortable not even acknowledging me as I do to them. So why? Occam’s razor says “she’s just a nice person.” But why though?
2 comments
could your success be linked to hers in any way? Is there an element of team building?
I’ve noticed that contrast in the workplace, that some people seem to need to connect. I certainly do early on, but at this point in my current job I’m about as friendly with my coworkers as I’m going to be. We’re having a potluck tomorrow, so that friendly.
Some of them are much closer though. The ones with kids are closer, they have their own club.
I don’t think it’s necessarily a problem a therapist being confrontational, as long as it’s productive to the therapy. Overly friendly can be a problem in therapy, if you just end up shooting the breeze you don’t accomplish anything.
However if your therapist doesn’t listen attentively, that’s another problem entirely.
My therapist is quitting, again…… that’s two this year, which is average anymore. No therapist stays in the job long term, and people wonder why I have no interest in that specific career path. I do therapy with clients sometimes, but usually it’s after I’m done figuring out how they are going to eat.
I grew up watching Frasier though, which indicated to me that someone could have a multi year relationship with their therapist. It happened once, in 30 years of therapy. I think I got maybe 8-10 years with one therapist, and that being said I don’t think he was more insightful about my soul than other therapists have been……
Anyway, you’re doing better with me with a robot. I’m so apathetic towards anything regarding automation or AI right now…… I’m almost sure my career in tech is over, which is fine because I have the social sciences.
My comment may be a bit disorganized since I’m sort of referring to the second paragraph first instead of the first, yeah, but regardless it caught my attention when you mentioned how everyone there is sort of “better” than you, primarily because of course I think that’s on the good side of things if the difference isn’t too large in scope, it’s always best to be in the “right room” and the “right room” in this case is certainly where you are not at the top or close to the top of the people inhabiting that place, otherwise things are certainly worse off in terms of how that environment contributes to your growth when you aren’t seeing at an obvious level where you can improve and at what places you are lacking, etc. That clarity helps at the very least. Considering that, moving onto the person you mentioned, yeah, she sets a good example at the very least. There’s more hope in comparison to your current state of affairs being considered regular performance, and for the most part the people you have around seem to be quite understanding of any potential faults on your side graduate program wise. For the most part you don’t necessarily cause them any harm either and you’re just a colleague, so it makes sense.
As to why exactly they are saying hello when everyone else doesn’t really though, it’s hard to say if there’s much of a clue about it, probably comes down to differences in terms of approaches at the end of the day. Some people can obviously feel more open in certain settings since, you know, you are related in some extent to a thing which they care about more than others. I think the sharing of the topic matter alone at that level can form a sort of predefined understanding but then again, that understanding is very loose all things considered.
Going back to the first paragraph though, the approach your therapist took as long as it wasn’t talking over you in any sense would perhaps be a decent one if you decide it’s worth your time to take sort of seriously, which you described to be the case. What he proposed at the end though, I mean, I’m not sure if it’s necessarily building off of that approach which may have worked beforehand, you two may have been onto something with that dynamic there but then the “homework” assigned at the end is just quite basic, yeah. I could see why you would have that bad idea of yours then when it comes to showing them some specifically picked out posts, since it would at the very least feel more relevant in the moment than what he asked you, but obviously sometimes we don’t take into consideration all the relevant implications, yes…
Regardless, on the topic of tipping your hand too much and revealing a bit too much, yeah, safe to say we are always kind of walking that tightrope when it comes to things that could be misconstrued/not taken in the ways intended, or maybe even not needing to be revealed at all depending on the circumstances and context. It’s not always clear how much is too little or of course too much, and that can sort of screw people over. For my brief stint with a therapist, I kind of realized over time what I told them would be more so based on how they would take it more than anything else, including well, what I needed to hear and actually work on. That kind of lack of freedom, in which you have to either do things the suboptimal way or risk repercussions for suggesting how you actually think (do note that it’s not necessarily about suicidal intent for instance, but rather things like approaches and routines taken throughout life), is not the most beneficial. At a certain point what you are paying them feels like donating to charity due to the return you’re getting on your money. I only really saw her for six months, since she not only couldn’t understand where I was coming from but sought out to be actively detrimental to what I know is the most optimal path for self preservation and growth in terms of myself. Not to say that she couldn’t understand, but that by the time she would come to that understanding, she would have hindered me quite a bunch, telling me that it’s “normal” to not do or amount to much of anything, and that i should try it. If there’s anything they should have known from our conversations, it’s that for people trying to live effort is kind of a non-negotiable, but yeah, seems real nice to lay on the toasty couch in the burning house and say “this is fine”. Doesn’t work for many of us, of course.
At the very least, that doesn’t seem to be the case with your current one. Thank the lord it isn’t.