Probably a Bad Idea

3rd therapy session today. Got more into it. Our conversations seem to have an odd flow to them. Sometimes I don’t know how we get from A to D. He seemed more combative this time. More willing to push back against me. Usually when a therapist does that it annoys me, but with this guy I want to try and push back. Argue for my point. He did admit as much that he was more argumentative. I said I was fine with it. That I’m curious. I live in my head probably 90% of the time. I want to see if my “ideas” about everything hold any water. This is a good way to test that I think. I’m surprisingly level headed during our conversation. Usually when I talk about this sort of stuff I get emotional. But this time around I try to think more about what I’m going to say. How to formulate my thoughts. I say a lot of what I saw on here pretty much verbatim. They’re stream of conscious type stuff but still stuff I try to think over. He proposed something at the end. He’s aware of my “Journal” entries. He asked me to write about what we talked about this session. But I don’t just do these things off the cuff. Sometimes I do, but not all the time. Plus there’s the fact that I will be conscious of the fact someone I know is going to be reading it. So I won’t be able to write like I normally can. So I had a very bad idea. I’d offer show him some of my old stuff. Stuff that was relevant to what we talked about, but still retains that the mood and attitude that I normally have when writing. I’ll be sure to scrub out any mention of this place or people. But now’s the issue of which of my posts to choose. I’ve got stuff dating back 8 years and he knows this. I think it would be advantageous to show him a few from back then. Since my way of thinking has shifted but not really evolved over these years, it might give him better insight. Another thing that I should point out is that I’m afraid I tipped my hand a bit too much. Mentioned the final push I think I’ll get in December. Mentioned how I hate myself. Cried a little but tried to shrug it off. He still took note of it though. Felt a little slighted when he did point it out.

Things still going down hill. Still find it hard to care. Haven’t made too much headway on my robot in a few days. Putting off testing even though I know what I need to do. Need to pull myself though. Still won’t make it, but at least I could say I didn’t implode when I still had a month left. That one girl seems off. She’s actually competent and is trying to make the paper deadline. Had less time than me and still managed to get it done. Of course my inferiority complex was really getting to me, even though it really shouldn’t. Everyone there is better than me, but I’m especially aware of how smart she is. Even though I pity myself like I always do, I’m kinda glad she’s able to get a paper out. If anyone deserves to be published it would be her. But she seems off lately. I’ve pretty much become been isolating myself from the other research assistants. More so than usual. Going on weekends and nights instead of the day. More comfortable that way since my complex is acting up. But she seems to have clocked me. As she was going to turn in and I was going to start for the night, she said bye and I wave a bit to be cordial. But then she stopped and asked me how I was. Of course that is not the biggest thing in the world. In fact it’s a completely average thing to do. But it still throws me off. Nobody else in the lab really gives a fuck weather I’m there or not. Why would they? I never gave them a reason to care. But she’s nice. And that especially confuses me. I say I’m good. She stands there awkwardly. I don’t really elaborate or anything and after like 5 seconds I caved and asked her how she was doing. She goes on about her project. I listen politely. Ask a question or two. She then tells me not to say up to late. Like an absolute moron, I tell her it’s not an issue for me. I stay up to like 3 regardless of what I’m doing. I told her I prefer night time. Why did I continue the conversation? I could have just said “ok” be done with it. She asked if I sleep late I say 9:30 ish. She says ah and then she leaves. This is a completely normal conversation. Nobody should have any real issue with this. So why does it stick out in my head? What makes it such an issue for me? Same thing the next day. She says hi, I say hi, I continue to walk on and she asks me the same question. How are you doing? I was already leaving. I made no indication that I wanted to have a conversation. I’m sure anybody who’s gotten this far is probably going “what the fuck are you on about? Who gives a shit and why are you making this a big deal?” And the thing is I’m with you. I have no idea why this matters. I think what is throwing me off is what’s the motive? Why the friend routine? Everybody else in the lab is perfectly comfortable not even acknowledging me as I do to them. So why? Occam’s razor says “she’s just a nice person.” But why though?