Yeah, specifically when a lot of the people around you are doing the wrong things and all that, those in positions of authority and those apparently older than you, those who have more “know how” or whatever the heck, it just really sucks a bunch of the time to come across such circumstances in which people both don’t know what they are doing and refuse to admit that, kind of leading others astray with them. I really hate it. When things like taking into consideration what you eat alongside exercise aren’t the norm and people don’t necessarily pay too much attention to what they put in their bodies in family matters for instance, leading everyone to have a history of bad health concerns (quite early dementia, high blood pressure and diabetes, and a history of not mentally alright people) that primarily originate from said choices, but noooo, for some reason even though they knew it themselves they didn’t pivot in any way whatsoever. And the same is supposed to happen to me? I’m just supposed to be “unaware” of it even though I’m quite obviously aware, especially when people on the older side seem to be quite debilitated (wheelchairs, strokes, swollen legs to the point of not being able to walk) due to such circumstances? It just makes no sense and yet everyone around you is just saying it does.
The same people tell me to do the right things at all times because it benefits me, and yet quite obviously all that they do just sort of goes against it, the confusion resulting from that in my head existing to at least some extent. Truly, what do they mean then? It’s hard to tell.
I relish the mere moments in which I actually see anyone that is even a speck better than me in terms of my approaches from things and therefore what I could learn from what they are doing, primarily because obviously, in such a situation you simply do not have many role models all things considered, and it’s tiring. It’s tiring and disorienting, and I’m not supposed to be disoriented when my inadequacies and mistakes/faults are so clear to myself, since I obviously make a heck ton of mistakes that I’d really ought to learn from. I mean, where I’m at is already an incredibly low bar in my opinion, I have a fuck ton of incongruence with my actions and mind that I’d ought not to be having.
(a bit of a unrelated ramble on a bad set of choices I made below)
For example, a fair amount of money I spent on used ThinkPads this week above all else, only to realize that I won’t be needing to buy a laptop in the slightest until the next year or two when travel based sort of summer work pops up, and that I basically wasted my time looking around now instead of, at most, one month in advance to such things in which I would have gotten a stipend to finance such purchases in the first place. Now I have to obviously return those once they arrive, and uh, yeah basically in terms of the fees I’ve lost around $100-150 I’d estimate. Not good, quite careless, I knew it beforehand. P52 and P1 Gen 2 if anyone is curious, the selection was primarily based off the best deals rather than aiming for particular specifications. Sounds contradictory considering what I mention in the next paragraph, but deals for lower end ones such as the T480 were overpriced as they have been for a while now, so it made sense to move up a bit. Reason I got two was primarily due to another mistake, in which I realized that the main reason I bought the P52 (a maximum amount of 128GB in terms of DDR4 RAM apparently possible) was actually not such a good idea for buying it considering the age of the CPU and GPU, and it would be more of a band-aid fix than anything else, but by the time I realized that and found another deal the thing had already shipped and was on it’s way to me, so… yeah, I have to send that back. Same goes for the P1 Gen 2 in that it was a better deal, and would remain as one for myself if I actually needed to fly out to somewhere now for a few months, but it’s still a while until I actually get the experience to necessitate that.
At the same time, it’s obviously a problem when people waste more than that much more frequently around you and you start to think that it’s “normal” as a result of that when your financial situation will literally not allow you to have that same amount of leniency as them, not to mention that even if said finances were the same, it would still be a dumb way of going about things in general. My father figure for example, heading for $1,000 iPads and stupidly $1,200 or so priced iPhones that are apparently worth it because “the trade in cuts the price by a bit” even though you’re losing all that money for differences you haven’t even determined yourself yet (basically not even knowing what you’re throwing money at), refusing to understand the specifications of WHAT you are buying and thinking that it’s just “generally better” or that it makes a difference in YOUR specific case that would be worth that amount, but I guess he has money to spend? And yet he’s the same person who complains about things being financially tight when he practically forces us to live in an overpriced area. He’s wasting tens of thousands of dollars annually on this shit and it’s actually infuriating, I’ve tried talking to him about this multiple times before but he refuses to budge in the slightest saying that I could move out instead to save on such things if I want to. Really now???? Can’t help him, I feel like. I should also mention that despite what he has spent on Apple products throughout the years, he has forgot arguably the most important thing, which is an actual computer of any sort. Mini PC, laptop, desktop, anything, he just refuses to get it, permanently sticking with mobile devices which I would understand in terms of the phone but NOT the iPad. None of his stuff is set up for getting things done, it’s no good.
(rambling stuff done, sort of? this entire post may count as it, not sure)
But either way, tying together his mistakes and mine, we apparently tend to’ “rationalize” things like that, or at least I do, based off mere exposure to the stuff, and I hate it which is why I don’t take it into account, but the stuff still pops up into my mind regardless. I’d wish I’d remember to tell myself that just because someone is “worse off” in terms of what they are doing doesn’t mean you aren’t still having bad conduct in general and that you shouldn’t improve upon that, and hey, I kind of just did remember, but some part of my mind remains hung up on the stupid stuff regardless. It’s crazy. We not only have dietary problems here but financial problems, relationship problems, mental problems, all sorts of shit, the entire rainbow or whatever you want to call it.
I feel lost primarily based off that, and furthermore the disconnect that happens when, for a rare instance of course, I see someone who just sort of has the same kind of error riddled thinking as them (since recommendation algorithms on platforms such as YouTube like to put potentially harmful content into my feed every now and then). I just really cannot believe people like that exist. I don’t know what to think when I see it, because I see their problems instead of my own, and obviously it’s not very constructive in the slightest when I come across situations like that. The only times I have ever felt a little bit right was when there was something to learn from in that sense, primarily because, you know, taking action on your own dumpster fire is much more easier in comparison to putting somebody else’s out first. Not only that, but of course, I couldn’t give somebody advice on how to not be all over the place if I represent the exact predicament they want to get out of, and think that such a scenario is “right” or “preferable”. Of course, a bunch of that is a bit vague and context dependent…
That being said, a bunch of you here are quite obviously better than the people I’ve mentioned considering your circumstances from what I am aware of. Harder situations in comparison to those who just think it’s okay to let themselves go like that, in seemingly every way imaginable, and yet objectively due to that you would be performing better than said former group. I believe genuinely that better conduct regardless of the circumstances is the most important thing, since if the constant in each and every situation that includes yourself is not yourself, how could you say you aren’t leaving it up to luck at that rate? It’s far more of a reckless abandonment of life to act in such a way, and yet society at large does not see such behavior as concerning, merely sort of condoning it if anything. They think they know what being suicidal looks like, and yet those kinds of actions in plain sight aren’t considered as such? No wonder such things go “unnoticed” despite all the awareness (if you can consider it that) for such problems we have nowadays.