“Pull up”

A plane crash tragic as it is seldom gets my attention but there was something about Air France flight 447 that got my attention. The transcript of the accident recovered from the black box and the cold critical analysis of aviation experts paralleled my own battle with Suicidality.  Due to icy weather conditions the autopilot was turned off and the most inexperienced pilot was in control of the plane and flew the plane upwards until it started to stall and lose momentum and then crash into the deep murky waters of the Atlantic ocean at 3am.  An aviation expert made a very good point that the picture the pilots had in their mind of the situation was so wrong and all the subsequent decisions taken from that incorrect picture were so wrong that tragedy was inevitable. In my own case as a depressive the fucking picture I had in my mind of life, every fucking facet of life was so wrong and all the decisions I made from that picture were so wrong that tragedy was inevitable. My fucking mentally ill mind gave me the wrong information and from that wrong information things started to go wrong. If enough things go wrong in your life eventually you pull the plug. Someone once summed it up beautifully in their suicide note – ” Too many things went wrong in my life too often”.

When the ground proximity sensor on the plane started to sense the ocean below a ” Pull up” alarm started to sound but by then it was too late and the plane took 3 mins and 30 seconds to crash into the Atllantic.My whole fucking life that ” Pull up” alarm has been in the background gradually getting louder. In my heart of hearts I always knew It would end in suicide.