- There’s a suicide in the movie “An officer and a Gentleman”. It’s been a while since I’ve seen that movie but the scene in question I can recall vividly. The Richard Gere character cradles the lifeless body of his friend who moments earlier took his life and rebukes the dead friend with these questions ” why didn’t you come to me?” ” Why didn’t you talk about it?”. Both those questions strike a chord with me because I HAVE CAME TO MY LOVED ONES and I HAVE TALKED ABOUT IT. There’s is nothing more I can do. I exhibit every sign of a guy who will die by suicide, it can’t come as a surprise. My parents are approaching Seventy so my suicide will hasten their deaths but their approaching the final stage of their lives anyway. It’s my brother who will be hit hardest by my suicide as he’s still in his thirties. Suicide destroys families but for me there is no other way out, and I know deep down that I did reach out, I did give my family notice of what was going to happen and that brings some small relief. The worst suicide to handle has to be when there was no warning signs, that’s not the case with me, forewarned is forearmed they say.
Did you ever notice how there is never a right time to take your life? There’s always a family occasion, celebration or anniversary, and now with Christmas just around the corner the timing for my suicide couldn’t be worse. I don’t think I can hang on until January. Christmas brings out the worst in suicidal people, it highlights the abnormality of your life compared to the normality of everybody else. One thing I refuse to be is the guy who took his life without giving his family adequate warning. I’ve actually asked for my family’s permission to end my life so there will be no agonizing what if questions after im gone. My family didn’t go for it so I’ll have to take my life regardless. It’s really just a question of timing, it would be wrong to suicide in December because of the holidays but January seems like a long way off. All I have to do is drive to the mountains with a hose in my car, it will be quite easy, but this is the worst time of the year for a family to get such tragic news so I’m stuck for the time being.
Just procured some Trainwreck strain of marijuana. 100 euros worth to be precise. Things are bad, real bad, this will help if only for a few hours. It’s ironic the strain is named Trainwreck considering I think more and more of suicide by train with each passing day. Anyway gonna spark up a joint and escape from the unbearable reality of my life for the evening.
It had to happen and happen it did, it happened in stern reality. The law of averages, the law of probability pointed towards it happening, it was bound to happen, only a matter of time before it happened. Any man deceiving multiple doctors, pharmacists etc in pursuit of Ambien will be caught eventually, irrespective of how careful you are. I got away with it for a good ten years, then last month whilst getting Ambien as per usual in a pharmacy, the pharmacist gave me a strange look and said ” according to my records you’re registered with another doctor”. I kept a cool head, played dumb, and rejoined with ” there must be a mistake”. The pharmacist probed no further, handed over the Ambien and I left thinking will she alert the doctor whose registration had been discovered and then will he alert another doctor who I’m getting Ambien off? It seemed so farfetched I gave it a 10 percent chance of happening and put it out of my mind. Fast forward two weeks, I walk into a doctor, the family doctor, whose history with my family goes back decades, having totally forgot about the strange incident with the pharmacist, I notice a look of displeasure on his face and he says ” I’ve a big problem with you, it’s been brought to my attention you’re registered with another doctor and have been getting Ambien off him also, I can’t prescribe anymore”. The shock hit me so hard I was preternaturally calm, I didn’t offer an excuse, apology, or explanation, I said ” okay” and walked out off the office. I now thought has the second doctor been alerted and gave it a 50 percent possibly. I walked into him, exact same routine as previous doctor ” you’ve been getting Ambien from another doctor, I don’t want you as a patient, this is illegal, all trust has been broken”.I was so shocked I just didn’t care said ” okay” and left. My ability to obtain Ambien, and the part it plays in keeping me from suicide has been reduced considerably.
By chance I stumbled across this channel on YouTube called Mr.Caring guy. It’s this guy that documents people who lost their lives to suicide. This is right up my alley. Every report of a suicide on the news or in the paper I can relate to. Just knowing that one human being on the planet felt the same as me and ended their life makes me feel less alone. The biographies of the people on this YouTube channel I mentioned earlier are very relatable. YouTube are somewhat PC so they might take this channel down at anytime. That would be doing a disservice to suicidal people. So if like me you’re seriously suicidal this channel might make sense, you might feel less alone knowing that people of all backgrounds took the plunge before you.
Whilst driving to collect weed this morning my phone bleeped a text message alert. ” Here we go” I thought, there’s a problem. I clicked on the text with trepidation, it read ” man, I forgot that”, I couldn’t fucking believe it, I was halfway out to meet my connection and at the eleventh hour he texts an excuse of forgetfulness. No apology , just a declaration the weed had been forgotten. I read the text again, perhaps I had misinterpreted it. Perhaps this guy has been reading James Joyce, particularly ” Finnegan’s Wake” where English is written as a composite language. Perhaps “man, I forgot that” really means ” No problem my end, drop out to collect your weed at your earliest convenience”. No such luck. The more intense your suicidal feelings the more relief marijuana provides. Alcohol is no friend of the suicidal character, Above 50 percent of all suicides have alcohol in their bloodstream. Alcohol is cheap for a reason, pot retails at 10 euro per joint. Everything has a value in the marketplace, the market is saying loud and clear that alcohol is garbage. I remember a slogan on a T-SHIRT “God made grass, man made booze, who do you trust?” A truism is ever there was one.
When I was getting into the car this morning the exhaust pipe caught my eye. The image of a hose leading from the exhaust pipe into the passenger window took up residence in my imagination. A painless, effective way to check out. Unless a passerby stumbles across the scene and alerts authorities it has to prove fatal. It takes about 10 minutes reputedly. I would drive to a secluded, mountainous region nearby, follow out the procedure in question and that’s it. No more agony, internal terror, regret, humiliation, it’s all over. The door of every facet of life is closed to me so I have to commit suicide, not voluntarily but under duress. The car method seems as good a method as any. It was under my nose all this time and only today am I considering it. Evidently catalytic converters were introduced to cars to limit the efficacy of this method but it still works, it’s still common. I might have the solution I’ve been looking for.
I’ve had enough of Doctor shopping. You go to a Doctor for a prescription for Ambien, a two week supply, you go through said supply in one week and it’s back to square one, another Doctor for another prescription. Plus there’s an element of acting involved, you need to be pushy but not too pushy. The cat is already out of the bag the minute you walk in to the surgery “This guy’s after more Ambien” the Doctors thinking and rightly so. Another horror involved is creating aliases, phony addresses, false date of births and then trying to remember which one corresponds to the Doctor you’re visiting. I fucked up yesterday and gave the wrong date of birth, the receptionist got suspicious but somehow I talked my way into a Consultation. Never again, I’m calling time on the horrors of Doctor shopping, from now on my prescription will last as long as it should come hell or high water.
Any port in a storm they say. A safe port, a safe haven for me is pot. The chances of me taking my life when I have access to pot is minimal, not impossible but minimal. My experience has been marijuana placates the suicidal mind, it acts as a balm, the sheer pleasure of the sensation produced keeps suicidal thoughts at bay. I haven’t smoked in a month so my tolerance is at zero. Pot, like any substance may be a fools paradise in the long run but if you’re seriously suicidal you might find some relief.
I remember a line in an old movie concerning the mentality behind suicide “one day a guy gets wise to himself, goes up to the top of the empire state building and jumps off”, the part ” gets wise to himself” has been in my thoughts lately. I’m starting to get wise to the reality of my situation and there is no other choice for me but suicide. It’s been happening in installments, there has been no sudden realisation, just a creeping sense of losing hope. I heard about the suicide of a young woman in New York, her suicide note hit the nail on the head when she described hope as just delayed disappointment, how very true. I can’t lie to myself any longer and delude myself that there is hope. I’ve opened up to a family member and went through my reasons for suicide one by one, perhaps this was an error on my part, anyway they swore to me that there is hope but I just can’t see it, they went further and said my reasons for suicide are ridiculous ( This wasn’t said disparagingly, but said from the perspective of a rational mind to an irrational mind) but remember “normies” see things differently, if I posted a blow by blow account of my reasons for suicide many people on SP would find my reasons perfectly understandable if not familiar.
Just heard about the suicide of Keith Flint. He was the lead singer of The Prodigy. People reading this in England and Ireland will know that group well, not sure how well known The Prodigy are in America/Canada. This suicide is fucking inexplicable, he seemed like the last guy you would expect to check out by suicide. I always imagine it’s the quiet, deep guy who takes his life but you never really know. R.I.P Keith and thanks for the music.
Suicidal thoughts have turned me into the most selfish guy on the planet. My brother’s wife just had a baby and I keep broaching the topic of suicide. I’m going round to see him tonight with the express intention of asking for permission to end my life. That’s how deranged I’ve become. I don’t want my suicide to come as a bolt out of the blue so I want to prepare my family for it. How fucking low is that. Myself and rational thought have become strangers. I just can’t control suicidal ideation. It’s too strong.
The name of the game concerning suicide is Lethality. When one can’t take one more second of their life the logical thing to do is employ a suicide method of the highest lethality. For my worn out, panic stricken brain suicide by train is less scary then continue to live with a mind full of scorpions, my mind goes in 10 diff directions at once all day every day this is totally unacceptable for a man to call this his life. I’m starting to feel calm now because I’m gravitateying towards jumping under a train. I’m
The other day I heard about the suicide of a young mother. I didn’t know her personally but someone I knew was acquainted with someone who knew her. I believe implicitly that everyone should reserve the right to end their life if they wish but if you’re a mother of young children ( in this tragic case under five years of age) are you not obliged to continue. I have no children myself, in my mental state bringing children into this world is out of the question but if I did have children suicide would be off the menu. I’m not judging this mother, I’ve been on the receiving end of judgement concerning my own suicidal impulses and it achieves nothing but if you have brought children into the world are you not duty bound to hang on until they’re at least 18. Perhaps this was a spur of the moment suicide but in my experience most suicides have been building up over the years and are not done in the heat of the moment. I kind of know the hellish battle this mother had to face before checking out because thoughts of my family are what stops me from completing but you reach a point where you go through with it anyway. The suicide of a mother or father for that matter with young children has always struck me as the most tragic, may she rest in peace.
Some people just get lost in life. In the suicide of a member of the rock group Crowded house (I think it was the drummer) the leader of the group spoke out and said the guy lost his way in life. It ended in the guy being found hanging in a park in Australia. I don’t remember NOT being lost in life. I was lost from the word go. How I’ve held on for this long is miraculous. 2018 should have been the year I completed, now I’m gonna have to push things back to 2019. So lost, so fucking irreparably lost.
- In an 1848 novel by Balzac ” lost illusions” which I read when I was in my early twenties there was an extended paragraph which I found astonishing, astonishing because of the psychological insight contained within. It said ( I’m paraphrasing because it’s been nearly 14 years since I read it) that there are 3 types of suicide. 1. Suicide borne of despair. 2. Suicide which is reasoned out. 3. Suicide after a long illness. ( The illness in question was not specified but my instinct tells me hardcore depression) it went on to say a man can backtrack from the first and second type of suicide but not from the third. The third will claim his life in the end. I know deep down I belong in the third category. Modern therapy doesn’t like to hear of such brutal realities and will declare boldly anyone can be saved, a nice thought but just not true. For some suicidal folk it’s just inevitable in the long run.
I remember a suicide many years ago. A woman drove off a pier. The divers who recovered the car from the water found a note inside, it read “this is hell”, scrawled repeatedly down the page. At the time I remember thinking how I would of gladly liked to have been an occupant of that car and how true the suicide note was, those three words “this is hell” have stayed with me. My life is indeed hell, Christmas has exacerbated despair within me, it hit me like a sledgehammer today!
Today I had to go from the southside of Dublin to the Northside of Dublin for weed, an awkward nearly 3 hour trip overall. When I got there i said to my guy ” for fucksake, I had to drive halfway across the county for this” to which he replied ” I had to go up north to get it, four hours”. Street marijuana in Europe does be sprayed with God only knows to bulk up the weight, so to get unsprayed real weed you have to go to a grower and travel out of your way. How I would love the convenience of walking into a dispensary like our American and Canadian friends, buying high quality shit and leaving. Marijuana can help suicidal people feel happy for a few hours so Legalize it universally. Anyway enough of the rant, think I’ll smoke some of that topgrade shit that was so hard to get.
It’s my birthday in little over a fortnight, how I dread it, how I fear it, it’s gonna push me over the edge. When u make up your mind to end it u paradoxically become calm, it’s like a line from Pushkin I remember “when a man has decided upon a dangerous but inevitable course of action his heart beats steadily but calmly”. Suicide is inevitable for me, last time I tried, over ten years ago, I used the pill overdose method, it’s not like in the movies, one pill consumed gently after another, bullshit, you scoop the pills into your mouth like a dog tucking into a bowl of chicken, I took 100 to no avail. This time I want a more reliable method like a gun but due to where I live (Ireland) that’s out of the question, so perhaps hanging or a train will have to suffice.
In the history of humanity, since man evolved from the Ape my self esteem is the lowest, and no self esteem is the root cause of suicide irrespective of what therapists say.