It’s already over. It has been for years.

I wasted my teenage years on fear. Anxiety, avoidance, isolation. Missed all the opportunities to grow and develop as a person. Went to college barely more socially capable than an average 11-year-old. Became even more isolated, even more crippled by anxiety. Dropped out, and gave in to depression, addiction. Wasted my early 20s on that. More fear, more isolation. Only this time without hope of a way out. Lost any sense of who I was. Guilt, shame, despair.

With a lot of help from my family, tried to pull things together a few times in my mid-20s. Finally got a dead-end job, still living with parents. Socially & financially where most people are in their mid-teens, only without the prospects. Without anything ahead of me. Despair grew deeper, as I realized this was the life I’d made for myself. Each day anxiety at work, followed by exhaustion at home. Still addicted, though coping mechanisms having less and less effect. Harder and harder to sleep.

Quit job in my late 20s and moved again (still living with parents.) Even more isolated because no longer working. More isolation and avoidance. Relapse. Therapy. Self-hatred. Despair grows deeper. Relapse. Quit therapy.

Finally moved out to my own place early 30s, still with a lot of support from family. Semi-independent. Finally found work I seem well-suited for, make just enough to support myself. But work from home so still extremely isolated. Hit mid-30s, realize I’m officially over the hill. Feel it. Back pain. Work is painful. Everything is painful. Despair grows deeper. Still addicted, though addictions even less effective at covering over despair. Now socially where most people are in their early 20s. Only without the social skills, or life experiences, or future prospects, or physical health.

There’s certain doors that close, with time, as you age. And though I was vaguely aware of that fact, I existed in a state of denial. Until it was too late. I thought there would be time, until it was obvious the time had passed.

I’ve missed pretty much every significant life experience you’d expect to have between the ages of 15 and 37. Over 20 years where there should be key moments to shape me as a person. Instead I mostly just hid at home, or buried myself in inconsequential tasks that got me nowhere.

And now I’m in the stage of life where if feels like the only meaningful thing left to do is build a family. And I’m utterly incapable of that. I’m not even capable of being in a relationship. I think I’m barely capable of friendship. And in another 5 years, that’ll be another window of my life that I’ve missed out on. More chances to grow and develop as a person that I’ve skipped. And the regret and despair will just grow deeper.