this is going to be rumination on my personal journey of faith. I don’t want to convert anyone. Despite potential signs to the contrary, I don’t care how you feel about god, christ or the afterlife. This is a problem solving technique, because I am quite stuck.
I find it uniquely frustrating, given the country’s dive into Christian nationalism, that God seems to have grabbed my ankle at the same time. I was an agnostic for pity sake. I can’t even take the lords name in vain….. gee wiz. All the framework of faith is there, because I never discard a framework. You never know when you might need it, and I’ve used it to interpret Islam and Buddhism before. God’s there too, we shant speak of that.
But Monday morning, the hand came out of nowhere and latched on. I had already had another hand on the small of my back, which was disturbing enough I can tell you. That hand was gone now, and I was wondering what next.
Did you ever go swimming in the river? It was like getting snagged on the undergrowth. Where did that come from? Wild undergrowth reaches up to grab you, the current can’t pull you free can it?! Careful not to drown!
Overwhelming what a feeling. And I’m telling you it might all be in my head. These are good drugs. However, it might be real, things are really really fluid these days. There might be a hand on my ankle, and that hand might belong to an almighty god.
And I’ve been drifting closer to him, I knew this was a hazard of where I was in the river of spirituality. He was drawing me in is what was happening. He doesn’t ever really let you loose, once he’s got you.
I don’t know where he’s taking me. I thought I did, maybe I do. He’s wild this time, wilder than I’ve ever seen, and so am I. I feel like he’s trying to grab my other ankle. I just want to know where we are going, is that so much to ask? I suppose I should just trust and obey….. but I’ve never been one to do it the easy way.
It’s been too many times I guessed wrong, and I have a hard time leaning in. I need help, because I’m weak. I don’t have the humility I need. That grip is so tight I can’t even doubt a slight bit. I’m saying, it being me and him only, it’s a struggle I don’t know how to let him win. He’s supposed to win, that’s the order of things. I talked to my mom about it today, about whether it was going to be the plan in my head or something he was going to show me, and she said “If it’s the thing you are thinking of, it was his plan all along”…. which makes me anxious about it; why so slow then? I’ve felt so ready….
It’ll all make sense on the other side, she confirmed that. I’ve been blessed in my parents, no doubt at all. I realized today I haven’t done the prepwork to lose them that I need to. The time is coming up on me very soon. I have two decades at best.
Which, can’t God see them? I want to give them grandchildren. I want children. I know these are selfish desires, but it’s a longing I’ve held off on for so long. I need help, I need him to get his hand on that other ankle.
What I think I need him to do though is snare few other people to help me on the project, and I don’t know where he’s getting them. I’ve been looking, just in case I’m supposed to recruit, but no such luck. No one here I suppose who wants to help fund a commune in a Michigan forest? I should just start asking that everywhere.
2 comments
I believe you’ve mentioned having the necessary qualities to be a cult leader before? Kind of sounds like you might be moving a bit in that direction? Just be careful of yourself, is all. If you find yourself pressuring people to do things they don’t want to, you’ve gone down the wrong path.
no I’m firmly on the rule by committee model, I don’t have the self confidence to be so complete in my own mind…. would that I was. I’m no meglomaniac, I need to be surrounded by people who challenge me, it’s how I grow. it’s how they grow, quite honestly I’d rather be someone else’s #4 or #6 but at this point no one worth grabbing has arrived.
There is a limited scope to my abilities, humility has to be the start of any persons day. What I’m good at is getting people to see themselves, I can see how that could be useful.