I’m 12, My dad cheated on my mum, and hasn’t talked to me for 11 months or so now,
i’ve been getting really suicidal, and have started cutting.. Only people closest to me know, and think it’s time for me to seek help, the thing is. I dont know how to tell my mum, it will only make her feel worst, Than what she is.
Somedays, I wake up, Wanting to end it, and not be here, like i’m doing everyone a favour and vanishing..I feel like someone’s came and cut me open, and let me wide open, I don’t know how someone so young, can hold so much pain.  I’ve always thought that, It was always, My brother this, my brother that, and nothing was ever about me, Like my dad didn’t want me.. Like If i cut myself so deep, I would go to hospital, then he’ll see what he’s done to me, and finally want me.. but he won’t, I was the only person who believed in him, when no one else did, but i guess that mean’t nothing, he doesnt believe in me, never has and never will.I feel invisible,I get bullied at school. Everyone says I have no friends, and that i’m ugly, I’m struggling, so hard.. I just want to be saved, and told every thing will be okay..But that never happens, my brother hates me, and i never see my brothers, one passed away, and everyone says, he deserved to get shot, or they bring him up, knowing hell get me down.I get really..anxious about who to trust.. My Mum..she puts this on her self, she comes into me to see me crying, she thinks she’s a bad mum, it’s not her fault.. it’s really not..Sometimes, I just don’t eat, I’m never in the mood.. I’m still alive? but i’m barely breathing..
I think of suicide every night, and i’ve tried it before.. Â I break down, everytime someone mentions a “happy family”i think i’m useless, and make everyones life crap. Â I blame myself on every single thing that happens.
I always wonder, why, why don’t you love me Dad? why did you always choose them over me.. it’s something i will never know, but will always ask myself..
I just want someone to save me, and take this pain all away..
5 comments
your post made me cry. You remind me of me when i was your age. albiet my parentsdidn’t get divorced and no one was cheating or anything like that they argued alot fought a lot and i was very withdrawn. I started cutting when i was 13. nearly four years later i’m still stuck in that rut. don’t fall down such a painful lonely road. you’re not alone. don’t blame yourself. i know i did it doesn’t help. It makes you feel worse. hang in there. i’m sure you’re gonna grow up to be a bright wonderful kid. I PROMISE you won’t be bullied for ever and you will have friends one day. I didn’t get friends until 8th grade i was alone and bullied all my life from 2nd grade.. you’ll find people who care about you. stay strong.
I don’t think you’d do everyone a favor by vanishing. And if you think your mom thinks you’re blaming her or something, you should just tell her how you’re really feeling. Just go up to her and hug her. I’m sure she needs it, too. Because if you don’t, and she finds out later, she’ll be even more sure of that she’s a bad mother. A good mother is there for her children whenever they need her. Give her that.
And as for your brother… Siblings are asses. And that’s a fact. They don’t get tolerable until you’ve both grown up a bit, if even then. As for the other one, no one deserves to get shot. Well, with the odd exceptions of Hitler, Pol Pott, etc. I won’t tell you to ignore them, because, believe me, that never really works. Just do whatever you have to to handle them. Witty comebacks are gold.
Your dad is a moron. You see, parents are people too, and sometimes people are controlled by other things than love and common sense. Cutting yourself isn’t going to make him come back.
… when i say “them”, i mean the bullies. I should really read my comments more carefully before i post -_-
Thank you alexithymia. It’s good to know, that. It won’t be like this forever, I’m sorry to hear about your parents, and you cutting yourself at the age of 13. Scars are there forever now.. sometimes a painful lonely round, is my only way out. and i’m sorry i made you cry, guess once again it’s all my fault again..
And Purmi, Thank you for saying you don’t think it’s best i vanish, but it’s what everyone else wants.. And I know it. Mum doesn’t know how to deal with it.. She just sits there, crying, while watching me cry.. I don’t want her to see it, I don’t want her to feel what she does. It’s not fair on her, she didn’t do this, she didn’t want it like this, it was him..all him, i just want him back, how it used to be. for old times sake..
I just want to hug you. You are so so precious. Don’t take the blame for other people’s hardness and coldness. Your dad loves you much as he can, but some people are so selfish they don’t know how to live any other way. My husband has cheated on me, left me. It has hurt so much, there are no words. But I love my girls. They are my heart, my life and if they were where you are, I would want to know. I just love them so so much. Tell your mom. Hug her, tell her what you are going through. That you are having such a hard time and that you love her. You matter and you are precious.