I have an overall plan.
Things overall are better, probably doing the best I’ve ever done monetarily, which helps, but I have a ways to go.
I tried to stop playing video games, that did not last. However, I’m finding I’m not enjoying them like I used to. I react to them and certain other things, but at some point I just feel a bit indifferent, like I’m playing some of them out of obligation.
I don’t care for wrestling either, one of the things I enjoyed since I was a child. Haven’t watched any of it in over a year now. I keep up with storylines here and there, and it sounds like it’s in a good place rn, but I don’t find myself watching it.
Music is just, there. I only really listen to a playlist at the gym or the occasional anime OSTs but not into it like I used to be.
I’ve stopped writing. Any old heads here may remember the stories I used to write and post here. Been a long time since I’ve looked at them. I still remember some of them fondly. But I lack the passion for that as well.
The only things I guess I’m still into is technology and computers. I’m trying to make a career out of it, so I use/see it every day. I’m finding myself not really tinkering with my stuff like before either.
My friend (who used to frequent here) told me that I may be getting depressed. Not like I’d know. I’m no doctor.
I’ve had a hard time letting my emotions out, snapping at people sometimes. Mostly family.
I used to write and do music and stuff to let it out in healthy ways.
I think the only way I let it out now is through here.
I keep very much to myself. I don’t share these feelings with many people. I post here, to the anonymity of the internet.
I am angry, but also a bit sullen. I know where I’m headed, but lack the proper steps.
We can have general ideas of how life should go and the steps we need to take to do things (lose weight for example).
Everyone is different though. We all have to find our own ways to progress and figure ourselves out.
How can we conform but at the same time be about uniqueness?
There are so many paths, so many different ways to get to the same thing.
I’m starting to wonder if I really will need to just do the off jobs that noone wants to do to move myself further along.
How can I deal with the debts I’ve accumulated? How do I properly maintain the relationships/friendship I have?
How do I be a good role model for the younger ones coming up behind me?
I don’t know how I can do these things, when my mentality is so messed up?
For so long, I’ve internally struggled. I don’t expect quick fixes, but I feel like nothing I do is getting me anywhere.
I don’t feel like I’ve grown all that much in the grand scheme of things.
Sometimes I just want to be left alone, but what kind of life is that?
I believe in the theory of multiverses.
There’s a world out there where I didn’t make it out of the hospital. I’m curious about what that world is like.
There’s a world where I’d figured it out like I’d wanted at 17-18 and got where I feel I should be now. I want to see that version of myself.
There’s a world I never found this place. I wonder how different I’d be.
There’s a world where I became an author, or an engineer, or did music instead. I’d like to see all of those worlds.
Would I recognize myself? Would my other selves look at me in disgust? I don’t know.
I think my point with this is that we as human beings all have insane cognitive ability, compared to other animals.
We are very much self reflective, and capable of insane feats of engineering, technological advancement, and willpower.
And yet, sites like this exist because of how fucked up things have gotten as a whole, and knowing how fucked up life can be and is, well that just makes me sad.
I find myself having these existential thoughts more and more frequently as of late. I don’t really know how to interpret a lot of it, but I’m thinking it’s why I’ve been so stagnant in life.
The year is almost over, maybe I’ll have my eureka moment soon.
8 comments
My theory of direction is something will click. At least I hope so.
Suddenly I find myself with a lot of time again, and it’s kind of a curse to be lived with. I spent three hours playing a game I hadn’t given a second look until today. I just get lost, in books most often.
But the winds are blowing towards grad school, and I’ll gladly pilot my ship in that direction if there is safe harbor there.
So many Fata Morgana, so many tricks the water plays on your eyes. Your mind will play tricks on itself as well. Like telling you that your third choice was the best one, what a load.
but why not me, why not you? Why not plan A?
There’s still time for it all to come out right. So for both of us, I hope we’re betting on the right horses.
didn’t u say they wouldn’t pay for your grad school? how will you afford to go?
They say with an assistantship, so that’s teaching or research assistant. I’ve done research assistantship before and that at least I think I can handle. Teaching, I can probably teach. It’s 20 hours a week so I can manage that.
Now where will I live, that’s the burning question, because getting my house set to sell is a question we haven’t figured out.
what do you mean? the house needs some work to be fixed up before selling?
Oh yes, paint everywhere that gets paint, siding fixed, and apparently a new roof, and that blasted kitchen floor. Then there’s the things that I think we could get away with but my wife isn’t sure about like the bathroom floor
and I still have to figure out how to calm her and my parents down about the whole move, I have her closer to being calm about it, but it’s just a big thing for her to wrap her head around. She wants to know what she’s going to do when she moves up there. That’s kind of the sticking point for me, there’s only so much running of her life I want to do
It’s a very tricky thing to do, logistically.
If you do decide to do grad school, best of luck there.
I’m still juggling if I should get my bachelor’s degree eventually, I dropped out about halfway through my associates.
I want to go but I need to pay for it myself/ figure out my current loans.
Plan A completely failed, this is a pivot (just when the field is totally saturated and on the downswing overall) but I’m going to stick this Plan B out regardless of that.
Seeing people being flashy with their money online really makes me hate how we need money for the things we need to survive and to grow as people and a lot of people don’t make enough to do that.
I’m wondering if I’m really meant for society.
Sites like this exist because of how fucked up things have gotten as a whole and for certain people, I agree, but they also exist because some were sensitive and supportive and decided it’d be helpful to create a safe space for folks who otherwise probably wouldn’t have anywhere else to vent. And if that wasn’t enough, people here actually take the time to read what you have to say and even care enough to reply! I’m someone who typically lurks in the back – reads but never comments – but on this occasion, I felt the need to show some appreciation both for the quality of your writing and that you decided to trust some strangers with your most personal reflections.
You wouldn’t have been a great writer if things had turned out differently because you already are one. I understand how frustrating it is to lack the motivation to embark on a writing project. I struggle with this as well – the difference is I lack both the motivation and the talent to get started. In my view, expressive and well-articulated blog posts count for skillful writing. You already do that, and honestly, you don’t need to do more, although you perfectly could.
If you think about it, underachievement is highly subjective. Success depends on what you compare yourself to and who you measure yourself against. Even your earlier projections, those you made as a teen, could’ve been influenced by others or a product of imposed family/societal standards. It’s impossible to value the things you’ve achieved when everyone around you seems to be doing better or when the bar is simply too high.
This is something I struggle with a lot. There hasn’t been a second in my life where I haven’t felt like a complete loser. Always lagging behind, always underachieving/underperforming, the world moving at an unreachable pace. Lately, something has changed in me. I’m starting to appreciate the little I’ve done throughout my life, the things I’ve written, the memories I’ve created for other people. Even if this is all going to end soon. Even if the world as we know it is not going away or not going to change. Maybe we aren’t as inadequate as we were made to believe we were.
I appreciate the compliments, I’m no author I promise lol.
I don’t remember exactly how I found this site, but I’m glad I did. At the very least, it lets me (attempt) to frame my mental state when nothing else works. I’m painfully aware I frequently shift topics or use myself and my own scenarios to try to relate to others most of the time, which makes me feel veey self absorbed.
I can tell you understand how it feels, feeling like you’re so behind everyone else despite the advantages you’ve had in life (I’m sure lots of people would want to be me in a heartbeat in certain aspects), which makes it all the more depressing to realize you’re nowhere near where you feel you should be.
I do hope things improve for us both. You should post/comment more too btw. If you do, I hope it helps you as much as it helps me.