Significant parts of me want to do terrible things. Am I ever going to? I highly doubt it. I may sometimes feel like I want to, but I don’t actually want to become the person who’s done such things. If that makes sense.
I don’t want to have to experience being on the other side of having done them. Having to deal with the awareness of what I’d done, and see myself that way. Then again, I don’t want to deal with the awareness of the things I’ve already done, and who I am right now. But I assume it would be even worse.
Possibly not. Possibly the extremity of it would be such a psychological shock that it would totally break my sense of morality, thereby liberating me from all guilt and shame. But a large enough part of the person I am now fears becoming that person. Possibly it’s just out of a sense of self-preservation. Becoming that person would incur significant risk of reprisal. But… I also just don’t want to hurt anyone. I mean obviously, significant parts of me do. Dumb, emotional parts. But if I really had to think about it, to choose in a considered manner, to plan it out… no.
Self-hatred has dominated the majority of my life. As an adult it’s been from being torn between these conflicting impulses. But I think I hated myself long before I had such dark thoughts. I built up so much shame as an adolescent that I made it impossible to function socially. And now I don’t know how I could ever let go of my shame. Only by entirely detaching myself from all social standards and judgement. By not caring how any other being perceives me. But how do you exist meaningfully as an island, detached from the perceptions and emotional responses of others?