All the years.
And another year I am depressed just before my birthday in February.
And last year and the year before and so on for so long it’s been the same. I think since I was 10? 13? 9, turning 10? I don’t know. I started watching porn when I was 9… just before I turned 10 years old.
Ah, my brother had a psychosis then. 7 years ago now, I think? Maybe a little less. I was 14 anyway. Ah, I turn 21 in a week. I didn’t watch porn or masturbate since September but on Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and now today also I watched porn but I didn’t masturbate until today. I thought it was not a problem for me anymore.
Surely it’s the noctamid. Loratazepam or something… that makes me depressed, irritable, angry, horny… and so on. I even thought about killing myself yesterday. Seriously… that was only a few hours ago. For so long I didn’t. Think about those things. Ah how it creeps up on you subtly then suddenly! I hate this…
All I wanted was to be alone. Really! Leave me alone… it’s not without a reason! Leave me alone! But no, I cannot. I’m never alone… ah, the worst company is myself. How’s that. 24 hours a day I spend with myself and it’s exhausting.
All the time I think evil things. Murder, rape… cutting myself. Beating people. All of the time I am thinking about those things. Perhaps I only need to go to confession, so be it. But I want to write this.
Ah… there’s a girl I like again. I thought that I wouldn’t fall in love again. More importantly, I thought that no one would love me except for God. But her eyes… the way that she looked at me last Sunday. So much love. Nobody has ever looked at me like that before. I want to die. I don’t want to be alive.
I have really good grades… I’m about to graduate soon… then I have internship and that’s that. I could study more after that… if I’m not dead before then. And I would like to marry that girl and be happy.
There’s nothing inside of me that keeps me going. On paper, my life is fantastic. My family takes care of me… my friends help me… everything is going well in every aspect of my life, and almost everyone I know loves me.
I should be happy. I have worked very hard. And everything is going better than I could have ever imagined. But I feel dead. Completely dead. Empty. Void. Depressed. And I don’t know what to do with myself. How’s that?
I’ve been going to the gym for almost two months. I’ve made a lot of progress. I should be happy and yet… nothing. I’ve done everything right. I don’t know where I did my mistake. At some point I just lost the will to live. And now I have such low tolerance for frustration that there’s nothing really stopping me from doing terrible things. I think it’s because of the medicine. That… loratazepam or whatever it’s called.
But even before I started taking that… friday last week… I was really tired. I wasn’t miserable like this. I didn’t have such low patience. That changed after I took the medicine. Maybe I should stop… I don’t feel anything from it anymore. I’m gonna do that… see what happens. That’s everything now. I should shower and have breakfast.