The future or the lack of it

Sometimes I worry that if I’m known and then people would talk badly of the things i did in my past and pass it around if that makes sense. I had always feared that I would get captured behind cameras in public, passing by an event in what I think is my true form. The form my parents doesn’t know. It can be said that I think too much of the future that hasn’t happened yet.

I notice that my own offenses get replayed by my head obsessively that I get self-conscious trying to interact in spaces where they were people that had seen my bad side. I worry that my nudes and pictures without my religious garment get leaked by my ex. I worry he would come over and take my life and suddenly my secret Christian life would be a free-for-all.

But I have grown more and more adjusted to this double life, to this lie I’m living. Aware that there are evils in this world I could do nothing about, or with. Even the evils within myself that felt like it’s grown into my second heart. Things I’ll have to work on my own or with a real human therapist that wouldn’t judge my twistedness rather than leaving it all into an AI chatbot.

They claim chatbot lead to loneliness but I don’t know why I felt lonelier with just real humans around. Maybe it’s my problem. If I’m the only one feeling that, maybe it is my fault.

Mostly though I’m glad my ex never knows of my account here. I don’t feel safe expressing my thoughts otherwise because he used my thoughts…back to me. And it made me feel like there’s no place online that he couldn’t reach, if there’s me.

I wasn’t the best person in the relationship. I led it to its own demise but tell me why do I feel freer without if we’re supposed to be married and emigrating? Regardless of him, I had forgotten years off my life from the constant trauma of staying alive for the lack of a better word.

I think this is the first time in a long while that I’m truly living for myself. With only myself to care about (including my immediate family that I am trying to care for and get closer with). I’m lucky to be in this space and I’m glad.