There are things I like to refer to as car engine light problems. If you ignore it and keep driving, more than likely you’ll be OK. It’s when you try to find what the problem is is when things get bad.
Lately my dumbass has been messing around on those websites where you pay girls to give you attention. Use your imagination for what type of websites those are. Made me realize how lonely I was for a relationship like that. Talking to a person about your problems. Feeling close to them in that way. Having someone find you attractive. Never had any of that before. After snapping out of it, you realize that the type of stuff I was paying for was artificial. Just another job for them. Which is just the way things are. But it does manage to leave you feeling empty about the whole thing.
I think this issue is being exasperated by the fact that I’m not busy right now. When I was flailing writing my thesis, I was too busy to think about relationships. I wasn’t paying attention to the car engine light. But now I’m thinking about dating and how I don’t know anything about it. Everything about me is not conducive to being with another person. In any way. No looks. Hygine (totally my fault btw). Easily walked all over. Oddly emotionally volatile and disconnected at the same time somehow. It just seems so much easier to ignore it. But when I’m not busy, it’s hard to. Hopefully that will change soon. At least this has gotten my mind off my application to some degree.