All these plans and I probably don’t have what it takes to see even half of them come true. Had a job interview today. Was about an hour and half. Went ok until it didn’t. Pretty bad at answering engineering questions. The stuff I would be doing. You could tell they weren’t exactly impressed. No big deal. Not really that interested in the job anyways. I was a lot less interested before the interview because I didn’t understand somethings, but still not something I’m super excited to be working on. Doubt I’ll get a call back. I’ve lost track of how many applications I’ve put in. Maybe 50+. Most of which were half assessed submissions of a half baked resume. They say it takes 100+ just to get a handful of interviews and I probably screwed up my one. Oh well. I just want to stop living with my parents.
Since deferring my acceptance, I’ve half assedly researched fellowships and other programs I could apply to. Should I apply to other universities in case this one doesn’t work out? But why should I? Beyond having to get over the hurdle of being accepted, I could just find myself in the exact same situation of no funding. Then I just wasted all that effort and energy. Mainly on how to spin to my references that I’m applying to another PhD program only after maybe less than a year of working. Potentially when I’m working under them. Fellowships aren’t faring much better. All of them are super competitive and even more so with all the political stuff going on. The NSF is crippled right now so I’m sure they’re happy to fund a subpar “engineer” like myself. The situation is just going to get worse so the university probably won’t manage to find the funds for me by the time I get there. Honestly deferring seems like an even worse and slower way of getting disappointingly rejected. But I got to try. Keep telling myself I do anyways.
Smartest thing to do would just to wait out the current administration and gain a few years of industry experience and try again. Pray that the next administration actually gives a fuck about science and academia. But I worry that I will become complacent. By the time this happens, I’ll probably have hit 30. Sure tons of PhD students are in their 30s, but I’m afraid that I’ll personally be too old to make big changes like that. It already took a lot to apply for the PhD program the first time around. Will I have enough in me to try a second time around?