Sometimes for comfort (or torture?) I visit the site facesofsuicide where people post pictures & tributes to those who have killed themselves. It’s basically a wall of hundreds of faces, really sad and sobering. You can click on the faces and it leads to their name and maybe a short description, but that’s all.
To me it’s so incredibly tragic that these people were in so much pain that they offed themselves, and history will never know their story. Just faces in a crowd. But maybe they would want it that way? idk
Some days I want the world to know everything (after I’m dead) so they can see how hard I struggled to live, but failed.
Other days I’m like fuckit, just erase me from existence.
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I’d be a lousy narrative psychologist if I didn’t. Stories are almost all I do believe in, it’s all that will be left of me most likely. The exact story of how I died though, I’m not sure if that will be the most interesting bit of my life.
I’m committing slow suicide, and we’re still not sure if that is going to take. Sedentary lifestyle and smoking plus vaping are all things that are supposed to shave years off my life and put me in an early grave. Plus my diet has some things that are supposed to be bad for me. I think unhealthy thoughts as well, hang out with unsavory individuals, do things I ought not to do.
All that should catch up with me, in some cases the consequences are specific and well researched. In other cases they are non specific and I think mostly over dramatic. I can’t dismiss that they won’t happen though. I might die younger from being struck down by a God or religion I haven’t given enough respect. Same goes from a political or economic group I have given the middle finger, because I have authority issues.
Yet I stop short of doing something about it, at least recently, I haven’t been very suicidal since January, just passively. The problems I have are here, in this place, assocated with my current economic reality, and I can shift them.
I wonder how many problems are specific in other people’s cases; is it relationship? Okay, does that person need to be in your life? I hate to be simplistic, but what I did at a certain point in my life was start kicking people out. If it’s them or my life…. fuck it, I can replace people. Same goes for a job, same goes for everything, almost everything is fucking replaceable.
It’s this cold calculus that you reach when you are ready to hurt the people you love most, but you don’t want to. What’s the least I can do to get out of this? Eject one thing, ONE, and whatever that is didn’t need to be there.
I don’t even think depression is maladaptive anymore, necessarily. If you could react to it mindfully, with an attitude of understanding what your body and mind are trying to tell you I think it would come out a lot differently.
Modern Psychology has a long way to go to reach the point of framing it like that though. Your body and mind know what they want, like your stomach is trying to tell you what nutrients it needs by making you hungry for specific things. We make the mistake of fighting them, that’s why we are in pain.
You’re sort of our resident expert on classic movies, have you seen “Leaving Las Vegas”? Your description of slow suicide reminded me of that one. Nic Cage plays a guy who decides to get rid of all his earthly possessions and go to Vegas to drink himself to death.
One of my favorite things about the story is it never really tells us his reasons. There are hints and we can guess, but it mostly remains unknown and I think that’s the point. Some people who are hell bent on killing themselves prefer to leave the past behind, never talk about it, perhaps denying it.
But back to slow suicide, I wonder if there’s a psychological issue behind that. Maybe like wanting to stretch it out, make it more painful and torturous, who knows. At one point I was determined to kill myself by starvation and I went a few weeks, dropping 50lbs (nearly 1/3 my starting weight) and oddly enjoying it. But something like you described, basically poisoning yourself slowly like Nic Cage, that sounds like a special kind of punishment.
“At one point I was determined to kill myself by starvation and I went a few weeks, dropping 50lbs”
–OMG I’m so JEALOUS. I’ve done fasting several times in the past (in the alternative health world- fasting, intermittent fasting and OMAD is what we should be doing). So I’ve done 2 week and 3 week fasts in the past. And I’ve dropped literally like 0-2 lbs :'(
I would really love to drop 50 lbs. Would bring me back to my original weight.
Yea I keep wishing I could repeat that feat. But the difference is it was a full raging suicide attempt, to the point that food and sometimes even water disgusted me because I just wanted to die.
I’ve tried healthy fasting since then but it’s not the same.. I end up sneaking a piece of fruit here, a piece of lettuce there, until eventually I end up binging on “healthy” food and ruining the whole thing.
Maybe if I hit that low point again, like full deathtime, I could do it again. But I’ve gotten so damn lazy I don’t want to work that hard to die. That’s why I’m now exploring more violent ways of dying. No waiting!
PS I know a girl who went thru a bad breakup last year and gained 50 lbs in 2-3 months (starting weight 100 lbs ). But she managed to drop it all through starvation and insane workouts, like to the point she was crying in pain but kept going. Even so it took her like 8 months to drop the weight. The physics of weight loss definitely sucks!!
“I visit the site facesofsuicide where people post pictures & tributes to those who have killed themselves.”
–You’re as morbid as I am, love it! Usually I’m the one being told I’m wrong- I’m too morbid, too dark, too depressing etc.
“But maybe they would want it that way? idk”
–It depends. Who’s posting the profiles- friends and family or the suicided person themselves? If it’s the suicided person, then yes, their stories should be known, shared, remembered. But if it’s friends and family…idk. I would NOT want someone else to tell MY personal story. NO ONE knows MY story. I wouldn’t my MY story to fit someone else’s narrative or have it butchered in some way or written wrong. Also- I don’t exactly want the whole world to know I was a failure. I’m not sure it’s a good thing for friends and family to put that person’s story on blast for the WHOLE world to see. I would be pissed.
“Some days I want the world to know everything (after I’m dead) so they can see how hard I struggled to live, but failed. Other days I’m like fuckit, just erase me from existence.”
–Same here. I’ve wanted to write some books (not necessarily an autobiography) but some books that contain bits and pieces of me. I mean, I’m a nobody and nobody special so I don’t see why anyone would want to buy and read my autobiography. But I do want my life to live in infamy even if I am gone. Like through books I’ve written or something. But yes, that would mean I would have to sit and write a book, which ofc, I have not started. Not sure what I’d write either. My life story actually is interesting- though obviously fucking sad a fuck. So I suppose I *could* write some fictional novels based on my fucked up life. But…effort O_o
That sounds like a kickass idea to write a book. A fictional story that tells your story indirectly but isn’t about you. Have you ever written much, like short stories or even journal entries?
I think that’s the ideal way to tell your story, or at least some part of you that’s worth leaving behind. I would love to do that but I don’t have the dedication or attention span to write more than a couple meandering posts on here.
There are a couple authors who have killed themselves whose books I’ve been meaning to read. One is a guy named Ned Vizzini who jumped off a rooftop in 2013, age 32. He wrote “It’s Kind of a Funny Story” about his 5 day lockup at a psych ward. It was turned into a movie starring Zach Galifianakis.
Another book is “Infinite Jest” by David Foster Wallace who hanged himself age 46. The book got a ton of great reviews.
In any case, I agree that a semi-autobiographical fiction is the most interesting way to tell your story. Biographies tend to be dry, even with famous people, but with fiction you can get your story across just as well but more creatively.
“Have you ever written much, like short stories or even journal entries?”
–YES, as a kid, I used to write a TON. short stories, poems, fiction, hell, even non-fiction (book reports, etc). but over the years, my love for reading and writing as died (ie something called “university” killed it). and now i have TBI so it’s HARD AS FUCK to sit and concentrate on writing anything more than like you said, a few posts here and there. I can write SHORT things, but to glue thousands of hours of a singe thought together into ONE book? Yeesh. I WANT to write a book but can I get my shit to get it done? idk…
i like that you’re just as dark and morbid like me. as well as a pessimist (aka realist) and someone who is also intelligent. it’s SO hard to talk to others when others view you as some sort of “alien” and you can’t talk to them (or they can’t talk to you) on the same level.
lmao I definitely go for the morbid shit. My nightly routine before sleep is to search the news for the latest suicides. Like every fukin night for the past few years.
I think writing is definitely a great way to get some productive use out of depression, but I’ve never been disciplined enough. Did you keep all your old stories & poems? Sometimes I’ve found that revisiting old stuff can inspire me to try something. I’m thinking mainly of drawing (which I haven’t done in ages) but I bet it might work for writing also. I wish I knew how dudes like Stephen King can crank out fullass novels every year. Well… money I’m sure…
Q- How do I get my shit together long enough to write a whole ass BOOK? one of my issues is TBI which causes ADD. it’s SO damn hard to stick to ONE thing. my mind wanders like every 2s.
I use to write poems, music, short stories, etc.
Would turn whole weird facts about myself into stories (I have a wild imagination, as it turns out, and I still think of the characters I’d written about from time to time.)
It’s been years though, and I look back on a lot of it as sorta cringy high school stories. I used to post some of them here in fact. I got rid of my older posts for safety reasons though. The stories are still around somewhere….
It helped a lot to get my feelings and weird thoughts out of my head and put them to paper.
I don’t really have anything to put into stories now. Life’s way different as an adult, not as “exciting”.
That and I really lack the ability to storytell now like I used to…
Not like I could be an author at this point anyway.
I met an author once who basically wrote a best seller that way, by assembling little fragments into a whole book. She went by the pen name JT Leroy and got kinda famous in the 2000s for writing books about the struggles of an underage trans prostitute. Then the media caught wind that she was a normal hetero woman and they trashed her for being a ‘poser’.
smh It was just her way of fictionalizing her own life with something imaginative which is what all fiction writers do? idk Anyway the point is, maybe those imaginative stories you wrote about yourself could turn into best seller material. Just don’t tell the news media who you really are.
Well did she say it was an autobiography or ppl just assumed it was? If she purposely mislead ppl vs saying it was fiction mixed in with other ppl’s accounts- those 2 are very different scenarios.
“Just don’t tell the news media who you really are.”
–Ha, just don’t tell anyone I’m a brain-damaged nobody/loser? O_o
“Ha, just don’t tell anyone I’m a brain-damaged nobody/loser?”
For real, that was actually her entire reason for creating the fake character. The whole story is pretty complicated and it spawned a bunch of documentaries, books and even a movie starring Kristen Stewart. But the truth depends on which version you see because everyone tells their own spin.
I’m biased because I think she’s a good person but here’s my summary as objectively as I can put it…
Backstory: she had a really messed up childhood, living in foster care, group homes, on the streets, institutionalized etc. Writing became her only escape.
Some time around 2000 she began writing short stories told in 1st person as if it’s a memoir by a young male (trans?) prostitute named JT Leroy. It took off like fire and the media wanted to do interviews and show the world the real JT but she didn’t want to reveal herself, so she got her roommate, an androgynous looking woman who could pass for a boy, to do the interviews and press. So this created the perception that JT was a real person and the books were true even though they were always published as fiction.
Eventually she got outed and the whole thing blew up huge. The media didn’t like that they looked like fools so they totally trashed her as a fraud & hoax. I think she got sued by the NY Times and basically lost all the money she ever made.
If you can find a documentary called “Author: The JT Leroy Story” I think that’s the best, most fair summary of the whole thing. It’s crazy!
Here’s a short interview she did after the release of “Author” where she explains that the whole creation of the fake JT was just her way of processing all the mental health shit she was going thru, but the media turned it into a monster:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4U15WD7ybqA
Im a musician so maybe I would write a song like the Doors This is the end lol. Anyway I have written songs about how hard life has been but one more to say what I want to say to some of my family that is too rich to give a shlt about my pain and suffering. I was the one born with a heart and sensitivity which has lead to my depression I suppose. What I have is well beyond depression. I have PTSD from being married to a Borderline for 25 years and now Im mourning the loss of my son. I do not want to live another day in this hell life. I want to go to heaven now. I may be a Christian but that doesn’t make you immune to this rotten life of hell and suffering. I do feel like the devil and all his demons hate me so much that I am a target. I would like to get to heaven and want God to explain why my life was a living hell for so long. He can’t blame me for wanting to end it all. I really do wish I had never been born. This world can have it.
Have you released any albums or uploaded your songs anywhere? I have an almost obsessive interest in musicians who are driven by pain, I’m talking the worst kind of suicidal pain that takes them to the edge, if not over. I’ve found that ironically these musicians often write the most uplifting songs, almost like they’re creating a world they wish they could believe in. Even if the lyrics are dark, the music itself is usually powerful.
The pain of losing your son is something I can’t fathom. But I have an idea because death has taken my most loved ones. It’s a hole that never goes away.
Are you familiar with the 70s-80s folk singer Judy Collins? She sang that song “I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now”). She lost her son to alcoholism & suicide, this after her own battles with addiction, self harm, etc. Anyway she has written a bunch of books, and I bought the one about her son’s suicide “Sanity and Grace”. It’s a good book, although her ultimate key to survival was her faith which is something I don’t have. I lost mine ages ago and can’t get it back.
It sounds like you still have faith so maybe her book might help you. If nothing else you can commiserate with someone, a fellow musician, who lost a child to suicide.
I hope you can find a way to survive this man. The world needs more musicians who understand pain. I think that’s their job. To transform pain into something good. Because is sure aint good for nothin else.
do have albums but lost my websites a few years ago. Ive uploaded some here and hope it works.
https://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2025/08/Set-it-free.mp3
https://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2025/08/Desert-Hiwaycomp1.mp3
Dude this is great stuff. It’s right in line with what I’ve noticed about many rock n roll suicides, even though the lyrics are dark and full of pain, the music itself is driving & uncompromising. It seems to be about the strength of the individual.
The first song’s lyrics show what I’m talking about. It paints the picture of 1 person against the world, absorbing all the bs attitudes & judgments. But the music speaks for itself, it’s not about feeling sorry for yourself and taking it. It’s more about taking action.
The 2nd song is even more bleak, painting a literally barren world. And this time the enemy isn’t necessarily the judgment of humans but it’s an internal demon “snakes in my dreams”. But again, the music doesn’t convey any kind of woe-is-me self pity, it’s conveying some sort of strength (even if it means going down in flames).
That sucks that you lost your websites. Maybe upload to youtube and see what happens? Songs like this probably won’t ever be as popular as catchy pop love songs that dominate the airwaves, but there’s an underbelly of rock fans who definitely need this kind of stuff.
Thanks, These songs did come from a place of strength at the time. Sadly I am no longer in that place. Im so down I can hardly play much anymore. My music has reached 1000’s of people already but I never made a dime from it and thats ok with me. I used to have a small recording studio but have lost it since. I still have a lot of gear but rarely use it much. Half my gear is still in Southern California but I had to come back to Oregon to try and help my son whom died recently from fentanyl. I phucking hate this state. Only thing keeping me alive right now is some cats Im raising.
So…what is the story you want ppl to know about you?
Mine? lol I haven’t figured that out yet. Like, whether I want people to know the truth or the way I wish my life could’ve been.
Like some days I want the world to know how close I came to to doing something good and making this shit world better, so maybe it would inspire others to try… but I guess my suicide would kill that story. So other days I just want to spew all the misery I’ve felt and leave a historical marker of how hopeless the human race is. But does the world really need another prophet of doom? We’re heading that way anyway so what difference would it make :/
what did you almost accomplish? and how were you “derailed”?
It was an invention that would’ve reduced our dependence on a toxic chemical. Can’t get more specific or it’ll totally identify me. The prototype was built and it was a success but my partners bailed and I got left running the whole project, while trying to maintain my own day job and keep my mental health from certain destruction. Failure on all 3 counts.
can you not go back and continue with the project? was it a paid job (where you received either grants or salary)? who owns the copyright to that invention?
Funny we’re talking about this today… this morning I got a reminder from someone in my past that the idea isn’t completely dead, but my reaction was a lot of anger and bitterness. So I guess theoretically it could still work but I’m the wrong person to do it. And since I’m the sole owner, it aint gonna happen.
No, there wasn’t any money in it, at least not in the beginning stages. That’s why my partners bailed. They wanted a get rich quick scheme and didn’t have the patience to let the business model take off. Who knows maybe they were right that it would never turn profitable. They cut their losses & bailed, and maybe suicide is my way of doing the same thing.
“but my reaction was a lot of anger and bitterness.”
–sounds like me and everything my life. can’t help but be angry and bitter when shit keeps getting thrown at me time and time again. almost like the universe is purposely pissing on me.
“And since I’m the sole owner, it aint gonna happen.”
–why not? i mean ofc it means A LOT of hard work and effort, which when one is depressed, doesn’t happen. BUT this would piss me off that i WOULD want to do it just to stick it to everyone. to tell the world world a big FUCK YOU. you know, the whole, cut my nose to spite my face thing.
BUT- even if you manage to finish- (not to deter you even more)- but those who HAVE successfully created things like a water powered car or have created better cancer treatments for ex- they ALL got either killed or had their lives and reputation ruined by ofc, the industries that rely and profit from the status quo.
(ex= example)
basically money rules. if you actually manage to create something that hurts the bottom line of these mega BILLION dollar companies- you’re not going to live to see your invention adopted IRL. actually, what usually happens first is these companies just outright try to buy your rights to your invention, so they can just shelve it and never let it see the light of day. and if you can’t be bought, THAT is when they start offing “problem people.”
there’s many (separate and unrelated individual) documentaries of ppl who have made innovative discoveries and inventions- but they “magically” had their lives and reputation ruined, or “magically” died or suicided. all “problem solved” for these billion dollar corporations.
I might. It is politically inconvenient where I am, so maybe after I move somewhere else.
It’s also socially inconvenient; the two are intertwined. Not necessarily “after death” either, even though I was suicidal for a long time.