Just found out from my mom today that my dad’s doctors think that he’s got some kind of condition in his brain that is setting him up for a major stroke. Also he’s not doing well at all. I know he’s been telling me he’s not feeling well, but I could see it while I was with him today.
I guess I just need to go over and check on him tomorrow, there’s nothing else that will make me feel any better. I can’t discribe this feeling, or what he means to me. I’m not ready for him to go, I talked about this with my case worker earlier last time I saw him, I know no one ever is. Well, my wife is ready for her birth father to go, but he’s a real piece of work. Her step dad is her real dad. If he died we’d both be devestated. Though that is coming with the same certainty.
I’m listening to a lot of punk music while I try to deal, because I want to remind myself this is the value system I live in; hard living. High blood pressure is why my dad is here, lifetime of punk rock living. It comes face to face with the costs.
The only people that escape turn into folk singers.
I haven’t been this physically hard on myself in awhile. If this threat is as real as it feels now though…. I’d better stay hydrated and eat right or I’ll go downhill fast. The amount of cannabis it’s going to take to get me through this is going to be scary. Well, maybe I’ll manage to hit exit velocity from Oklahoma first.
This is all speculative of course. Maybe the crisis won’t come. It could just be an escalation of the existing crisis, we could not be in a lessening of the current crisis. My career hasn’t been out of crisis since I left school as far as I’m concerned.