I haven’t posted in a long time.
I don’t really like to write online much anymore (moreso pertaining to personal stuff) for various reasons.
I feel for anyone going through injustices, misery and suffering. Not that I can do anything and I’m sorry for that.
Humanity can be so cruel and continues to be so cruel.
It’s been nearly 2 years since my mum passed away.
I don’t mind my life at this point, but it’s just going nowhere, just like all the other years of my life.
I don’t even know what I want, I don’t know what I want to do, I’m just going day by day.
When I talk to others who have parents (especially loving and caring ones), it just tears me up alot inside. I think to myself ‘at least you HAVE parents!’ – mine are gone (even though my father was abusive)
I have no goals, no nothing, for my life.
I’m in my early thirties now.
I wonder if I just need a decent boyfriend, lol. Maybe that would help? And for heaven’s sake, no more online or long distance relationships. I need physical stuff, like cuddling. So, only someone local for me these days!
Sorry and thank you if you read this far! Here’s a cookie (if you like those)
10 comments
Hey I can totally relate… having lost something that 99% of the world takes for granted. It kinda drives a wedge between yourself and the human race.
I think the key to surviving it is finding 1 person who understands and cares about what you’re going through, I mean really cares and they’re physically there for you. I agree that long distance & online relationships don’t cut it. But then what are the odds of finding someone local, unless you live in a big city? All the same, good luck, I hope you can find the right person.
Thanks. Life is definitely harder without having the emotional support of a parent, or parents. But I do acknowledge that lots people also have abusive parents, and that’s also horrible, and I’m sorry that they have parents like this. No-one deserves to have abusive parents. The people I’m referring to in my example though as far as I know – do not have abusive parents though.
I recently met a guy online who I’ve been talking to a fair bit. I enjoy talking to him. He offered to take me to where my mum’s grave is located, and I ended up taking him up on the offer. Just for anyone else who might stumble across this comment and who may not know – please please please be so careful when meeting up with people online in person. You may not know who you’re actually dealing with.
Anyway, he does live locally, around an hour from me. It’s nice to have a friend, I don’t know if it will lead to anything or not, but I remember he told me he had rushed into relationships before and they didn’t work out. It’s not that easy to see each other because I don’t drive, lol. (I’m poor).
I don’t know if you’re looking for someone, but if you are, then I wish the best to you, but I don’t want to sound patronizing, because the chances of someone finding the right person are extremely slim, and I believe many people will never find that person in this life. I live in a small town so any socializing opportunities are very limited anyway.
Sorry if my reply was written in a weird way.
Hey that’s awesome that you met someone who is sensitive enough (or pretending(??) we’ll cover this in a minute) to be there and support you with such a difficult issue. Although I’ve never personally gotten the chance, I’m convinced that the only way through intense grief is to share/diffuse the pain through others. Even if they’re not as emotionally connected to the trauma, just the fact that there’s another warm body next to you can make coping a bit easier, almost like releasing a trickle of the immense pressure that has built up.
Yeap sure I’m “looking” – that is, my eyes are open – but I’m not actively looking. Like you, I would need the person to be local, and where I’m stuck that aint happening. Instead I’ve set my sights on moving back to a big city where I know I can find someone who gets me, rather than settling for someone who sorta gets me, or pretends to get me.
Which leads me back to the pretending thing. I don’t mean it to sound sneaky or deceptive; what I mean is, in the beginning, we all pretend to care more than we actually do. That’s the whole courtship game. Suppose I meet someone who is obsessed with, I dunno, competitive jump-rope. I don’t give a flying fig about it, but if it’s a topic that makes them happy then sure I can go along with it and share a bit of their enthusiasm. But it’s still pretending.
The problem with sharing grief is that it runs so deep, It’s not just a hobby like jump-rope, it’s an intensely personal thing. And I’m sure you know, when others aren’t on the same level it makes you instinctively withdraw (like when others make comparatively frivolous complaints about their parents, you just bite your lip and internalize the pain more).
That’s the tricky tightrope to walk when dealing with deep rooted pain & new relationships. There’s an old saying, I forget how it goes exactly, but it says when a couple loses a child, it either brings them closer together or destroys the marriage. ig that’s what I’m getting at. Except I’m applying it to relationships in general. Even friends.
I ghosted all my friends for that exact reason. And I know it was a mistake, mental healthwise because I’m in a dark spiral that can only end bad, but ig some of us are shit at sharing pain. Don’t fall into that trap if you can avoid it. lol that was supposed to be an encouraging piece of advice but I see it just turned into a thinly veiled pity party for myself ._.
Ah, it’s fine, you can type whatever you feel to! I’ve thrown around alot of pity parties myself in my life.
The ‘pretending to care’ is a very sneaky thing. Something to keep in mind is that people can just turn their back on you at any time, even though I’m sure you’re aware of that. I’m very wary of people actually.
I’m more concerned about people being deceptive than people who pretend to love art (because I am very fond of art). There’s people who pretend to love different activities or topics everywhere. Probably the worst part of a relationship is someone trying to change you into something that they want (they won’t let you be yourself). Sorry, I tend to jump from topic to topic so just bear with me please lol if you can…
I don’t really have any friends at the moment. I only would want a friend I can relate with these days. Otherwise, why bother? But then again I have a pretty limited emotional capacity and would find it difficult to maintain various friendships.
And, same would go for a relationship, I only want someone who I can relate with. And that’s probably going to be someone who has gone to dark places just like I have (whatever that is). Someone who knows what its like to really suffer alot (it doesn’t mean they have to have no parents, it just needs to be someone who has gone though alot of suffering). Also I’ve found I can get along with neurodivergent people better (I most likely am neurodivergent too). We can probably be a bit more open with each other.
Anyway sorry my comment probably turned into a further pile of babble now. I hope you can get out of your dark spiral one day, but I know that’s just words and much easier said than done. Besides, I think this world is really just getting worse and worse everyday.
I have no words or wisdom or comfort, only that I understand. Many ppl feel “lost.” I certainly felt that way in my 20s and 30s. I mean I have all these health issues now but before that, I had (and still have) an existential crisis.
I think we as humans all need a “purpose,” including you. Whatever that purpose is- it could be anything (religion, children, career, etc). I feel many <45yo ppl these days just feel lost, purposeless, with lackluster career, etc. I think many ppl are also just existing day by day.
I think having a bf would help in the loneliness and fun area, but that doesn't sound like the root of your problem- the lack of purpose/meaning/goals, etc.
It’s ok, I appreciate that you took the time to comment 🙂 and I realize it’s not easy to even get the energy to comment, or wonder how to comment, or what to say. I’ve been in that position many times.
I hope to find a purpose and meaning, and to set goals, but I guess I just feel like the world is getting worse and worse, especially since recently, and it doesn’t seem worth it. Don’t get me wrong, I have things that I enjoy doing though. I’m hoping that a bf might give me some sort of hope in this life. Maybe I can give him hope too? lol
oh i definitely feel the world (and ppl) are getting worse and worse too. that’s literally half my rant against life/society.
well if a bf is what you want, you should go try to find one. join some in-person clubs or events. that means you do have to get out there tho
just read ur other comment. i hope the new guy u met turns into a bf.
Thanks for the perspective on parents. I have good ones, even though I feel like I don’t deserve them a lot of the time…
I keep away from dating and the like, I gotta fix my own situation first. I hope you find someone you can be with though. Even introverts who like their solitude need at least one person to look out for them, so I hope you find yours somehow.
If I was able to take care of myself properly I’d do a lot more humanitarian work, but I’m barely scraping by. I’ve thought of becoming more nomadic but I don’t have any useful skills or money to be able to move that freely, so I don’t know.
I have an idea of my “path” but part of me feels I’ve already lost before 30, so I’m not sure what to really do.
Yeah, I understand that, my own situation isn’t very good either, but sometimes I just wonder, what’s it all for? And I was kind of thinking, if I have someone, maybe it will be very beneficial for both of us. Now I know all too well that you shouldn’t invest too much energy into someone (after all people can just suddenly leave without warning – heard many stories about such).
I don’t know what you mean by ‘barely scraping by’, but I’m poor, and I guess that’s one definition of it. But I also know being depressed also impacts with taking care of oneself. I’m currently volunteering locally (it’s a 30 min walk away) – so that only costs me very little. It’s a local thrift store/op shop. I just help out in the store…
As I mentioned in a comment to someone else, I did recently meet someone locally (online first, and then later met up). I don’t know where it will lead. But yeah, we talk quite often.
I wish I had some advice to give you, but then again I always err on the side of caution when giving advice these days, although I still tend to blurt it out. I don’t want to feel like I’m telling people what they should or shouldn’t do.
But, I think the way the world is going certainly isn’t helping with anything…