Interview I had today was ok I think. I hate how nervous I get. I say I don’t care about any of this, but I still care enough to not want to fail. It’s a stupid contradiction. Either way, it went ok I think and I drove 6 fucking hours back home with the last two hours in the dark. Sucked dick.
I realized this morning why my current depression felt so nostalgic. It’s the same depression I had when I was in high school. All my life I’ve been depressed, but I’ve been depressed for different reasons at different points in my life. In high school I questioned the meaning of life and felt that everything I did was pointless. That any potential future I had was filled with meaningless struggle for no real cause. Why not just skip to the end? As I entered college, I decided that I had to make meaning from my life. And so I became depressed that I could not fulfill the role I chose for myself, which was to be an engineer. Now that I’ve failed at getting into a PhD program and accepted that I’ll suck at whatever job I get, I’ve regressed to finding no point in anything I do. I still try to cling to the idea of being a good engineer and do a good job as evident by the fact that I get nervous when interviewing for a job, but that’s because I can’t help myself but to try. As annoying as that is, in my subconscious I still haven’t given up completely. But in my mind I truly know that I have truly failed at the purpose I’ve chosen for myself and realized I can’t do research or be good at a job I want, so I have regressed back to high school. It’s weird being back.
This is my favorite Radiohead song. The way she sings it is so beautiful.