What is the exact threshold of pain a person needs to pass before they commit? I mentioned before therapists have described my suicidal ideation as a safety blanket. Something I turn to to feel comfortable when things are hard. The idea that I have an exit was soothing. But as much as I fantasize, I never actually do anything. All these years and I’ve never had a legitimate suicide attempt. Don’t know if fear or hope or stubbornness has held me back. Last year I got the bright idea to find the threshold. Throw myself completely and totally into a hopeless situation with the goal of total failure. I came close too. My mind was exhausted. I stopped eating. There were times I needed to sneak off to a secluded corner and just sit and breath. It was painful. I don’t think I can reach the threshold in my current situation. I’m in a state of slothful despair with nothing happening. I eat regularly and sleep almost 9 hours a day. I spend my day watching videos after maybe an hour at most of looking for jobs. Nothing close to last year. A have no way of reaching the threshold as I understood it. I’m unsure if this horrific boredom I currently have will get me there but I doubt it. So for now I guess I’ll bear this “torture”.
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Hey, I’m in a similar situation as well. Always wanted to end things but could never bear the idea of actually being in pain. The fact that even committing suicide takes a lot of work is really discouraging. I also just spend all day watching videos and looking for jobs. It’s hard, and annoying. But knowing someone else is going through the same stuff is a bit comforting.
It was pain but it was also futility and hopelessness, the more I tried to change and improve things, the more I was being punished.