Just let me see you again…and again, and again, I will fly 11000 kilometers back home and you’ll know about it all. put you rage on me, put your lips on me, put your hands on wherever you want to pinch or choke and you’ll know. Go anywhere, see anyone, be as free as you want, I’ll never blame you, how could I? I told you, I want you to have the kind of love I could never receive, and for its existence I am happy. I melt at the thought of you yet I can’t say a single gentle word, yet I laugh at you and I don’t know how to…besides to say I love you over and over again. We are so young. Would you one day want to be a father? Would my baby one day give me that curse of life? I would never…never…I want to crawl into your mind, i want to soothe every ache and I know it’s projection, we can’t save each other, I don’t even know if you’ll love me for another year, baby boy. Every second of my life led this to happen, look what you’ve done to me–When we meet again you’d see the slim scar, and I’d laugh and in that voice that makes you want me and fear me i’d say it’s an evidence of my love. And I’d tell you that night how I drank and the slight thought of slitting my throat, like Lucie from Martyrs, that was a red flag, hm? That was the first movie we watched together and you were too in love with me to understand anything.  “Do anything you want”, I said “how about I kill you, hm?”, when you agreed was it because you love me or that you want to die? Let’s grow old together…I’ll give you everything, we are miserable without each other and we can both change for the better. You’re not a piece of my life plot, you are free to do what you want, but just let, me, see, you, again. We’ll have sex again and again and again and I’d show you a glimpse of who i’d be as your wife, and when we leave each other again we’ll see each other’s face on everyone else for the rest of our lives. Imagine my carotid artery pulsing below your pretty hands, and all the ill fantasies we would share about what we want to do each other. And we’d end by telling each other to live a happy, healthy life. Though you don’t care what I become now, hm? A lover like me is best dead in your memory, but I wouldn’t do that. I like that you love me less now, even if it’s untrue- even you still do. Love me less, now that I miss you as much as you missed me I know now the ache is too great I wouldn’t want you to live with that. But I don’t want you to live a single day without the thought of me, I want you to see me and feel me the way I’ve felt a lover midair my entire life. But it’s okay. Anything is okay, even if you leave today I’d still love you and I’ll somehow live through it. I love you, and i know as much as i know i’ll succeed in my field of work I know you’ll one day come back to my arms. Go anywhere, kiss anyone, unless god himself comes down from the heavens (which if it happens i’d shoot him between his eyes) I’ll never love another, I would not let myself let go of the thought of you. You are my first. You don’t know that, neither does it matter. You know this is meant for you, you know we can’t be apart. And even if one day your family pressures you to marry someone else you’d remember how much you wanted me, you’d imagine (and wouldn’t stand) the thought of me with another. I’ll cast another spell on myself because I don’t dare to force anything on you, I don’t want to let you go.  I want to hold the corner of your coat and I miss the smell of your hair your soft skin and how you do not smell like a man…you’re so soft, pure, and youthful. despite being only a year younger. I like where you’re sick in the head I know it all. I like the way you talk to yourself when you game and I was like that. You’re everything I could’ve been before art took that personal-self away from me. God, you don’t have the heart to believe it now but you could be a genius. I’ll try to make a career quick, I’ll pay for your masters if that’s what you want. I’ll…I want to see you grow. I want to see who you are when you’re older and I want to bite and kiss and be gentle, I want to wake up and see you near the stove. I want to hug you by the floor to ceiling window. I want to dress you up and down in all the good things you want but can’t afford, which I can afford but don’t want. I want you to remember. We’ll only become more beautiful as we age, we look great together, we speak great together, don’t let these disorders pull us apart. I’ll be good, I’ll be good, just let me see you again.