After having been on here for around a decade and constantly writing down my thoughts, I tend to pay close attention to my mental state and the reasons behind it. I believe my previous psychiatrist has stated I’m fairly self aware and I told him it was only natural when I spend all my time in my own head. I hate to admit it, but I had a sense of satisfaction when he said that. Anyways I try to keep track of markers that signify what type of state of mind I’m in at the time. How I interact with people, what I do in a day, how often I listen to music and why. Try to find all the little micro expressions I emit. It’d be nice to be this cognizant of other people’s micro expressions. I’ve noticed now that the ability to fantasize is one of those markers.
I tend to daydream. A lot. Constantly. Always wanting to be some big shot that’s working on important research and has everyone like him. I daydream about meeting someone who’s crazy about me and who I can be crazy about. As pessimistic and self-loathing as I am, I still want to be happy. Even when I want to put a bullet in my brain. But there are certain points in my life where I don’t do that. Like I’m incapable of doing so. It was a blur, but last fall when I was trying to wear myself down to kill myself I remember feeling like I was on auto pilot. Like I woke up, worked on CLARA, then went to sleep. I had no thoughts. Just movement. A few months ago when I was broken from the job hunt, I couldn’t imagine getting into a good company. I couldn’t picture it. Why is that? Wouldn’t you’re ability to fantasize be the most important when you’re at that low point? To ease your pain a bit. The thing is about daydreaming is that it just sets you up for disappointment. As many times as I failed and wound up in shit situations, I should know better by now not to hope. But I still do it and still get disappointed. So it only serves to hurt me and bring closer to those low points. Hope is a dangerous drug that hurts us and is never around when we need it.
Haven’t listened to these guys in a while. My range of music taste is pretty wide in my opinion. This is my favorite of theirs. Not particularly in the mood to listen to them again, but I thought of them so I wanted to put them in.