In a way, I’m looking down on him by pitying him. I don’t want to do that, but man do I feel fucking bad for him. The other guy I work with on my shifts is pretty good. Can’t understand a damn thing he says half the time cause of his accent, but he’s pretty cool. I don’t know how long he’s been a technician, but he’s a tech 3 meaning he’s a senior level position so he’s been at this a while. He mentioned he was working at another warehouse before this one. That place actually had robot arms and the proteuses, but apparently it was hell to work at. He said the most depressing god damn thing to me Saturday. He has an industrial engineering degree. A fucking bachelors and he’s been working as a fucking technician this whole time. What the actual fuck man. He’s cool and knows a lot. Really great at his job, but he shouldn’t be here. He shouldn’t be pulling out fucking conveyor belts and blowing out dust from belly pans for 12 hours a day. He’s got a kid on the way for fuck sake. I don’t know like I said I don’t want to pity the guy. Maybe he likes doing this job? He’s fairly cheerful, but he’s also been fed up before. Doesn’t help that they seem to push the newbies on him, so he has to play baby sitter a lot of the times. From what I did understand when he told me he just wasn’t able to find a job that was paying well enough. Only 60k annually, so I guess he gets paid more than that now? That roughly comes out to $28.5/hr and I get paid $25 as a newbie so he probably makes more than that now. Although honestly I would still have taken that if I did get a job offer like that. Apparently he’s going to stay with the company a while longer. God I really hope for his sake it’s not too much longer. After hearing that I went home that day and applied for maybe 7 jobs? I don’t remember.
I did take off Sunday though, which I probably shouldn’t have. Got to keep putting out applications. I’m starting to hear back again and getting the same familiar tune of rejection. Maybe I shouldn’t have taken that month off from applying. But I just couldn’t do the rejection thing anymore. I was seeing the same fucking emails and attending the same pointless interviews. It’s one of the reasons why I took this miserable job to begin with. The fear of being unemployed and rotting in my parent’s spare bedroom (actually their gym the put a bed in) for who knows how many more months was depressing. But now I have a new fear of being stuck in this hellhole while continuing to send of pointless applications to those piece of shit tech companies forever. I can’t become a tech 3. I just can’t. I can’t have had wasted 8 years of my life dedicating it to learn about robotics and engineering. God fucking dammit if it wasn’t for that fat orange fuck in the white house, I wouldn’t even be in Fresno.
I’m not hopeful that my advisor can scrape up enough funding for me to attend this fall. I dream about it and wish for it so bad, but I have to let that go. I’m never seeing that place again. Probably for the best anyways. I was just going to flunk out anyways. But I can’t help myself for wanting what I want. I’m already trying to figure out a plan for when I do get the news that there won’t be any funding. Applying to an American school now seems pointless. The government’s war on higher education just leaves no room for me there. PhD programs are already competitive to get into as it is, but add in the chaos those cocksuckers in Washington have caused and it’s just going to be impossible for me. Honestly WPI was probably going to be my one shot to get in and now it’s gone. So then I think about leaving the country. But do I really want to fly across an ocean just to flunk out? Shamefully come back with my parent’s help? If I can even get into them that is.
After a month of trying it’s fair to say this dating app experiment is a failure. I spent a solid month doing nothing but trying to get people to notice me on there and after that I only hear back from 2 people that stopped talking to me after 5 messages. Whenever I look at profiles now, I just think about how much I don’t want to do this. All the people look the same and say the same things. I feel nothing when looking at them. I reject maybe 90% of the profiles I see and the remaining 10% I try talking to wouldn’t even give me the time of day. This whole thing has felt gross from the start. A system that commodifies relationships and reduces human beings into 6 pictures and a handful of answers to bland prompts. You’re expected to just say something interesting or witty to complete strangers you know nothing about and expect them to care, something I’m not even good at doing with people I do know. But honestly do I have a better option? I don’t know how to meet people and I don’t really do anything that puts me in a position to meet anyone. I work 4 days out of the week and the 3 days I have to myself I want to relax, so joining some volunteer group or fitness club (which I’m too lazy to do normally anyways) is out of the question. I was hoping that I’d meet someone at the card shop I play magic at, but nobody really shows up on Sundays, the only day I can go. Plus it’s a pretty small shop to begin with. I guess to put it in plain terms, I’m fucked.
Karma. I doesn’t exist. Or maybe it does and I’ve just been such a big piece of shit that I do deserve this. Maybe.