I’m not a perfectionist at all, I just really want to fix myself.
I don’t expect ignorant bliss 100% of the time. I’d like to think I am realistic.
But lately, I feel like there isn’t much I can really do.
I started a class in January to get a certification to move up at my job. Studying has been hit or miss, but I am really trying hard.
I’ve been going between that and keeping up with my apartment, but I’ve been neglecting chores and even though I am getting sleeep somewhat, I have moments like this where I’m just up super early in the morning for no reason, feeling like shit.
My car was functionally down for 2 weeks, and I was lucky to have people in my life to help me fix it, else I’d be fucked without a way to get to work or anything.
I feel a mix of emotions.
I feel a bit lost, I feel like I’m lacking a real identity.
There are things I like, I know the type of person I am, but sometimes I don’t feel like myself. I feel like I don’t make any sense at all. I feel like I’m holding back all of these “versions” of myself. I thought I was a part of that collective or just an amalgomation of the overall collective. Now I’m not so sure.
I feel like I’m a fucked up individual in private. Like I can’t explain some of the things I do in private. I keep that stuff to myself because it’s not really anything to talk about in public, and I know that it’s not feasible in real life anyway, so it’s best to not even bring up to anyone. I don’t know if I’m austistic, but I’m wondering if that’s a factor of my weirdness.
I also feel so… worthless. Like I’m really trying to make something for myself but idk if it’s working. I keep thinking that I’m just not capable of maintaining relationships with the right people, idk. I feel so damn useless. Like I have one small subsection of skills to do my job and get anywhere, and then some skills that don’t translate to real life success or that are super niche, and that’s it. I wonder if I have brain damage or something, or some medical issues from my past that I couldn’t control have caught up with me. I don’t know. I just hate feeling like an abnormal thing.
I feel like I’ve watched myself scream and cry at myself in my own mind more times that I can count, mainly for the perspective to not go apeshit in real life. Wondering if I’m just some kind of odd hodge podge of… things. I don’t know.
Sometimes I want the thoughts to stop. Sometimes I want to just silence my mind, but I can’t.
How can I even bring this shit up in therapy? I don’t know how to even start.
I feel like I don’t fit with the family I have. I have friends and family who give a shit. There is a lot I have that many people wished they did. I’m not saying I’m super fit or anything, or that my monetary situation is amazing, or that I can even be in a working relationship with a woman ever again (that being said an ex of mine has become a friend and confidant that I trully unconditionally love to the ends of the earth, that I’m glad I still hear from, but I don’t hear from her much lately, which saddens me, but I digress), but I mean, it can always be worse.
I find myself coming back here a lot to just vent. I just know that it’s me. I’m the problem.
I want to fix myself. I can’t sit here and say I want to be a perfect individual, since perfection doesn’t exist. I get that overcoming struggle makes us human and all that, so why do I feel so broken? I don’t know.
I’m not sure what to do.