I feel like I’m reaching a breaking point. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. There is something different about this low. Something very very different. Different than the time I failed my internships. Different than the time I failed my capstone or thesis. Different than failing to get into a PhD program or getting hired. But all of that contributed to this. And I think I figured it out. That was anticipatory dread. This is the follow through. This is the result of all my failings. What I was afraid of the most. This is the reality now.
I couldn’t be bothered to even look ok today. Clearly something was wrong. It was written all over my face. Every time now I walk into that building I feel like I’m drowning. Except now when I walk out of it I don’t get the relief of coming up for air. Because the air is stale and cold. It just reminds me that I’m going to walk back in soon enough. I’ve had bouts of anger and violent thoughts. Extremely violent. Playing over and over again in my head. They’ve been there but lately they’ve been really frequent and vivid. I want to hurt someone. I want someone to hurt. But even then a small part of my brain doesn’t want that. It reminds me to never hurt anyone that isn’t me. Because taking it out on anyone else disgusts me. Even though I want it so bad.
No amount of writing is going to make this ok. No amount of organizing my thoughts is going to make me feel better or make me more aware of how to handle the situation. This is it. I’ve failed like I always said I would and now I’m here. I guess the last question I’ll ever ask myself is if I deserved it or not. And the answer will always be yes.