Hey, I haven’t been here in like a while, I keep thinking maybe eventually I will grow and the feeling will go but I have now officially lived 25 years and the feeling remains. It feels hypocritical of me to still be here when I’ve been feeling it for so long.
I was gonna wait a month more (didn’t wanna be the monster who did it so close to their birthday), cleaned up around me, finished some projects at work, chose the notebook and all, many loose ends you know, then now ww3 seems to be right here 😀
I’m in the midst of it all, if shit goes to shit I don’t actually have much I can do, and now all I feel is anxiety? and that feeling is strange because technically I don’t want to live? truthfully the biggest part of the fear isn’t actually dying in a war, it’s living through it? I can barely live and life was roses supposedly (even my work was going great), now im so damn panicked that if shit goes bad I’d Have to live and also suffer way more. I’m not asking for advice necessarily but I also don’t know what to think? how to feel?
this is definitely not asking for advice I’m just ranting because I can’t rant to anyone about this fr, it’s that what I’m scared of the most is that I’d be put in a shit situation where i would live a significantly worse life quality and I wouldn’t be able to access a way to end such misery? my plan has always been to go even when times are peaceful so what if times are dire I definitely would want to go? it’s so complicated, esp where I am it’s not like I’ll for Sure be gone but i Would suffer I dont know how to explain it.
If you read so far Thank you truly. I am paranoid as hell these days and obsessive, and not a single thought is leading me anywhere
I was gonna wait a month more (didn’t wanna be the monster who did it so close to their birthday), cleaned up around me, finished some projects at work, chose the notebook and all, many loose ends you know, then now ww3 seems to be right here 😀
I’m in the midst of it all, if shit goes to shit I don’t actually have much I can do, and now all I feel is anxiety? and that feeling is strange because technically I don’t want to live? truthfully the biggest part of the fear isn’t actually dying in a war, it’s living through it? I can barely live and life was roses supposedly (even my work was going great), now im so damn panicked that if shit goes bad I’d Have to live and also suffer way more. I’m not asking for advice necessarily but I also don’t know what to think? how to feel?
this is definitely not asking for advice I’m just ranting because I can’t rant to anyone about this fr, it’s that what I’m scared of the most is that I’d be put in a shit situation where i would live a significantly worse life quality and I wouldn’t be able to access a way to end such misery? my plan has always been to go even when times are peaceful so what if times are dire I definitely would want to go? it’s so complicated, esp where I am it’s not like I’ll for Sure be gone but i Would suffer I dont know how to explain it.
If you read so far Thank you truly. I am paranoid as hell these days and obsessive, and not a single thought is leading me anywhere
1 comment
It’s as safe a place to rant as I’ve ever found.
If someone else wrote this post, what would you want to say to them.
Sometimes see in my thoughts on a page helps me to distance from them emotionally and see possibilities I would not have seen otherwise.