Dec 15 was the last time I hit my drug stash, the hard stuff. Before that it was Nov 7. Before that it was every week and before that, every day.
Drugs aren’t the problem; life is the problem. I’m reading the book “War and War” by Krasznahorkai who describes the main character, suffering delusions that his head is literally about to fall off, being forced into a sketchy but inevitable path due to everything behind him burning up in flames. No choice. It’s essentially fatalism but fatalism by elimination. When all other “destinies” burn up, you end up with the only “destiny” left intact.
I’ve long, long, long given up on people. I’m not even talking about a soulmate, I mean I’ve given up on people relating to me, just as surely as they’ve given up on me relating to them I’m sure. Isolation is inevitable amongst creatures who think independently because by definition that means each mind will find its own independent path.
How many times do you find yourself hiking in the woods, looking over and seeing some stranger walking in exactly the same direction, same speed, same destination as you? I count never. And if you add to the scenario a raging forest fire & total panic situation which is the best way to describe my life, now what are the chances?
And suddenly in the middle of this raging forest fire there’s a random bottle of pills. These pills will launch me into the sky for a couple hours, long enough to get a breah of air above the smoke, before dropping my ass back into the blaze. Maybe one of these times my head will finally fall off.
4 comments
-what do you consider the “hard stuff”?
-is that the stuff you said you take ~every 6wks or so, or is that the “medium stuff”?
-you’re “overdue” for another bender? almost 3mo now…
“Drugs aren’t the problem; life is the problem.”
-Drugs/Alcohol have never been THE problem by itself- it’s always been life and life’s problems that are the problem. But society always blames the drugs, or addicts, bc it’s easier. Just like blaming videos games or Marilyn Manson for all of our youths problems, rather than address the REAL issues and real causes of depression, crime, health issues, etc
But yeah, let’s just blame drugs and addicts and video games. It couldn’t possibly be the shitty parents and shitty adults and sick society we live in. Nahhh….
“I’ve long, long, long given up on people.”
No you haven’t completely. Otherwise, you wouldn’t even be posting or interacting with ANY human whatsoever. Those who have literal zero contact with others (like Ted Kacsinzsky) and move into the middle of the forest have completely given up on people.
While I hate humanity and most humans, I leave the door a *smidge* open should an actually GOOD person come into my life (hasn’t happened yet). Am I being too hopeful and optimistic? O_o
My interactions with humans are the same as watching movies or reading books. I feel a connection in some distant sense but I have no delusions of finding any true companionship with a movie or book. I guess when you get right down to it, movies, books and even internet forums are just another drug where you get some slight “fix” for a short while but nothing that’ll ever cure the problem.
I’m also looking for a good person, but my standard of “good” is something I’ve never seen or heard of. I’ve met tons of people with good hearts, good intentions and all that, but they’re incapable of putting it into practice, much less having the discipline to maintain goodness, that they might as well be as corrupt as the people who are openly corrupt. I’m striving toward my own ideal of good, and I’ve gotten further than anyone I’ve ever met, in terms of not just acting good but accomplishing good things, but at the same time I don’t meet my own standard, not by a mile. So what hope is there for me finding that in some stranger? Zero. So I guess it’s back to movies and books and drugs. Thinking of the hard stuff today… benzos or opioids