I’m listening to a podcast of this famous divorce lawyer on Diary of a CEO. Obviously he only deals in divorces, and if one needs a lawyer, it’s never an amicable one (amicable divorces generally get settled by the couple themselves).
Anyhow, he says 56% of marriages end in divorce, and 86% will go on to remarry.
Obviously, we would all like to meet our soulmates and live “happily ever after.”
But I was thinking, is it better to be alone and lonely OR be in a relationship that is “mediocre?”
I say “mediocre” bc that’s probably about 50% of all relationships- not great but not horrible. I know plenty of ppl who are still with their partners bc they just don’t want to be alone. They don’t love the person and isn’t very happy, BUT it’s not awful either and they’re not alone/lonely.
Let’s say for the sake of easy math, that there’s also 25% are horrible and 25% are “happily ever after” (don’t know the statistics but I’m sure there aren’t good statistics on it anyways).
If, say those are the odds, then is it better to be single and alone/lonely or have those odds above? Like Be with someone who is just “ok.” You don’t love the person but tolerate him/her bc you haven’t found anyone else.
Obviously those in the bad relationships should break up- tho half those ppl still don’t bc they either probably don’t realize it’s “bad” or feel like it’s not “bad enough” to leave. Also, some ppl really HATE being alone, so they’ll tolerate (occasional or sometimes) bad behavior. I know lots of those ppl, both online and IRL.
Anyhow, the divorce lawyer says everyone says “never again” right after a divorce, but then they’ll meet someone and do it all over again.
If say those are the odds, if one is single, they will 100% be alone/lonely. OR take those odds and find someone who is “ok enough”? That’s the route that most ppl take.
Yeah, there’s tons of ppl online who CLAIM are happy being single but I call bullshit on that. Very few are happy being forever single. Let’s say there’s 10-20% who actually are ok with that (they generally have good friends, good family, etc so they aren’t “alone.” The rest are single and lonely and most won’t admit it.
——-
I am someone who historically have ended all bad relationships, even friendships, if I sense they aren’t great. But that means I’m alone/lonely.
I wonder if I’m destined to be alone forever ….
Or should I just settle for someone who is “just ok”? Should I take the route most ppl take? I’m not sure my personality would even let me be in the same room as someone who I didn’t at least “like.” So I’m not sure I can even be with someone who’s just “ok.”
My personality has always been “all or nothing” approach to life. I’m either all in, or out. Same with everything- work, etc. not something I can choose either as that’s my personality- either I’m super passionate about something, or I very much dislike/hate something.
I never thought I’d be single this long (I used to be super pretty and I’d always have tons of guys chasing me). But I’ve never stayed with anyone that unless I really liked or cared for them.
Idk… I feel like I’ll be alone forever.
And feel like I’ll have depression forever.
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For those who have a part.ner (and it’s the right part.ner and not just a mediocre one) and yet is still depressed/suicidal – how does that work?
I get having other issues like health, lack of money, bad job etc. which causes ppl to be unhappy with life.
But doesn’t having found the right person for you at least stave off deep depression/suicide?
I mean if there’s other life issues, yes I get one wouldn’t be “happy” but I assume one wouldn’t be completely depressed/suicidal if they’ve found “the one.” Or the right one.
Unless…the person they’re with is “good” but not “the one”?
Can you couples shed some light on that?
This is a good topic
Personally I would rather be alone than being in a serious long term “mediocre” relationship. Although just superficially talking to someone I don’t mind “wasting” time and conversating (especially if they have a good personality).
I left an 8 year relationship not because of mediocrity, but because our mindsets were incompatible on serious topics.
I do understand what you’re saying about mediocricy though. I see a lot of people being in relationships because it fulfills their need for companionship, they feel like their partner “elevates” their status, or they want to live a generic “fairytale” life…I’m not sure if those people feel the same type of love that we feel, and maybe others in their family/friends fill that void for them.
I’ve always treated love as a passion between two people, inseparable bond, possibly willing to die for one another.
But dating has made me feel like this will continue to be less and less likely.
That’s why I decided to quit actively searching for someone to fill that hole, and just let it happen naturally, if it’s meant to be…
I’ve quit actively searching too, but it’s depressing and sad to be alone. It’s amazing if you’re with the right person.
Society at large will never admit this, but we should call out marriage for what it is: two codependent people pooling their resources to survive.
There’s no significant “love” element and probably not even a “lust” element after 5-6 years. It’s just 2 roommates who are afraid they can’t survive alone, so they cement the contract with something more formal than a lease agreement and convince themselves there’s some invisible cord called love tying their souls together.
Bullshit.
I actually had a perfect relationship once, it began as lust, progressed to romantic love, progressed to platonic love, then ended up at exactly what I said above: survival codependence. Through it all we were unbreakable best friends and pooling our resources & talents we were able to move mountains. It ended because of my suicidal depression. So I guess that was one mountain that wouldn’t move.
I don’t believe in soulmates or the enduring fire of love. But I do believe in two rational & practical people with a common goal whose bond is stronger than any flaky Hallmark romance. The question is, can it be stronger than depression?
In theory it can. But it’ll take a fuckton more than “I love yous” and candy on valentine’s day. Til then, remaining alone & learning how to survive without leaning on anyone else is a better use of time than scouring the bars & clubs & dating apps.
“we should call out marriage for what it is: two codependent people pooling their resources to survive.”
>>for many, but not all. it may be the case for a lot of ppl now, especially the younger generations but once upon a time (pre-9/11), the rich did not choke the middle class. They used to just squeeze us (still bad but not THIS bad) and you could survive economically as a single person.
>>marriage does work out great- for like ~25% of the population. Like I said, most/50% are just “ok” or “satisfied.” But I suppose that is much preferred to lonely and depressed.
I don’t believe in soulmates or the enduring fire of love.
>>There is no “perfect person” but there are people are “perfect enough” and who do make us happy. They are rare thought- for me at least. My last ex was “the one” (and yes it’s my fault I pushed him away- you know, abandonment/rejection issues). It’s a certain feeling you get- that you don’t get with anyone else. It was my biggest mistake and regret to this day to end it bc at the time, I didn’t want to deal with “feelings.”
>>When you meet the right person, you’ll feel it. It’s just that it’s very very unlikely to happen. I would say maybe about 10-20% of all relationships are “great.” The rest are just mediocre or miserable. But for me, being alone sucks. But that’s me. I know you don’t want to be around ppl so for you it’s fine to be alone.
The question is, can it be stronger than depression?
>>For most couples, no. But for maybe ~5% of couples, yes. There are ppl who stick by the depressed person, but that is hella rare. Most ppl bounce. But that’s American culture for ya. But it does happen. I know ppl who’ve been through thick and thin. But good luck finding someone like that nowadays. It’s usually the minorities with more family oriented cultures that stick by their part.ners through the bad times. Americans, not so much.
I’m 43 years old single guy from Indonesia. Even though I’ve been in four relationships in the past back when I was younger, the reality is that now I’ve been single for 3 1/2 years. And when all my efforts have ended in either being rejected, ignored, or ghosted, it all still deeply hurts (especially in some cases).
And the worst thing is to see how everyone else seems to be in a ‘happy relationship / happy couple / happily married’! (& especially even for a LOT of guys/men/males who are, honestly speaking, only just ‘subpar’ level, yet they -somehow- still eventually got into a ‘happy relationships/couples/married’ etc2!)
It’s not just very frustrating, tbh, but it’s also very depressing. In fact, honestly, it’s one of the main reasons why I’m suicidal.
yeah, i find that the last 10-15 years, it’s been harder and harder to find someone. There has been a culture change- at least in the US. The younger generations especially, aren’t even wanting to be in a serious relationship anymore. That wasn’t the case 20-30 years ago. Back then, everyone WAS looking to get married or find a part.ner. Now, people are like “I don’t even want friends.” Big change in people’s attitudes to friendships and relationships here in the US.
IKR! I see TONS of UGLY ass girls with great bf’s/husbands and I’m like…wtf? How did that happen?