get to the point where i see/hear/read stories about people that have killed themselves and actually become jealous. i do though. i read so and so killed themselves. and my first fucking thought is, “why the fuck can’t i do it?” it didn’t always used to be that way. i used to be sad. but now i’m jealous and envious. which tells me that now suicide is something my own mind now desires greatly. which speaks even louder. i mean if my own mind wants to be dead, why should i not appease it… give my mind peace. i feel so alone and helpless. every second of the day i feel like i’m burning, every second i feel like i’m being beaten, every damn second i feel like i’m being smothered. and there’s no one to help me. i feel like i’m trapped in pitch blackness. the only way to get out is to walk through it. but all around me are endless pits. where every step carries the risk of falling with no hope of getting out. i’m too afraid to walk. i don’t want to fall into a pit. maybe there just isn’t any hope left for me…
i want to share a poem i wrote a while back, i haven’t showed anyone yet. i seem to be inspired by despair…
Sometimes i close my eyes
and the place i find myself
is better than the reality
that i’m trapped in
the darkness around me
is like being trapped in a tornado
i’m in it’s center, looking out
seeing the confusion and fear of others
this darkness as it swirls
causes me agony of the worst kind
it makes me frigid and bitter
wishing it on others
there is nothingness around me
even the ground is pitch black
i feel like if i take a step in any direction
i’ll fall into a pit, i won’t get out of
always falling and screaming
no one even notices
this earth is like a prison
with only glimpses of freedom
has anyone ever seen the documentary “The Bridge” about suicide and the Golden Gate Bridge. when i saw that it gave me morbid hope. a way that might be the miracle way. only 2% survive the jump, and only if the position themselves the exact right way. all i would need to do is get enough money for a plane ticket and a cab ride. and it could all be over. without pain, virtually no chance of survival. i’ve thought about it. and i’ve come to the conclusion that i’m not the kind of person would change their minds mid-fall. i would be relived as i fell.
here’s another poem i wrote after seeing that documentary “The Bridge”
“Golden Gate Bridge”
My heart is pumping
I feel like jumping
into the watery darkness below
I must be dreaming
they can’t hear my screaming
the water is icy cold
I’m falling so slowly
the decision was mine solely
why does it seem so long?
In time I’ll land
they did all they can
I hope they feel no guilt
They found me floating
after having jumped off
the majestic bridge they built
i just don’t know if i’m going to make it in this life much longer… or if i should even bother trying to anymore.
4 comments
As painful as it is, I’m afraid that moving forward is the only way to go. Perhaps if someone were to be there for you step by step then you’d have the courage to tread such a difficult path? Ah but there’s no one there. That’s one flaw in the plan. Hm.. What are your other options besides suicide?
Btw I enjoyed reading your poetry. Sad though, and bleak.
I know what you mean i also feel a little jealous of people that have committed suicide and succeeded but i also feel sad about it cause i know how they must of felt. I like your poems oh and yeah i’ve seen the bridge i watched it on youtube. If i lived near there maybe i would go jump there. I watched another documentary called boy interrupted which was interesting, have you seen it? Its about a boy with bipolar that commits suicide.
Undesrstandable.
Before you decide make sure that death is something you want.
It ends pain but it also ends pleasure.
There is nothingness. Of course religious people have other concepts.
Bottom line once you do it, there is no coming back.
So if you have any smidgen of hope left keep talking to people and sharing your feelings. There may be someone who is able to give you the exact type of support you require to go on. Even some of us here.
Whatever path you choose I wish you your heart’s desire.
good poem
I once said at a funeral with my best sorrowful expression, “always a bride’s maid, never a bride”. 😀